diebel2's Blog @ NüHabits

Top 10 Barriers to Decision Making

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 18:58:57 -0500

Some people seem to be able to make big decisions on the spot and then sail right past buyer's remorse or second guessing, confident in their choice. Others labor over the process for weeks or months and then, even after the decision is made, the options they didn't choose continue to torture them through the late night hours. Why is that?

I think it has to do with the hidden costs of making a change. Most of us have some skills in comparing the basic costs of things, like whether the organic milk is worth it for $4.25, as opposed to the $3.05 store brand. But with decisions that have a higher price tag in money, time, identity, or relationship, there are often hidden costs that elude our conscious awareness.

Our "gut" knows about them, though. It's worried that the costs we aren't yet aware of might be too pricey, too dangerous to risk. So it cranks up anxiety symptoms like cyclical thoughts, body tension, or the nagging urge to escape into distraction, all in the hopes of slowing down the conscious mind's march toward the costly choice. Our gut is hoping that we will slow down enough to let our conscious mind become aware of all the costs of our choice. Once our conscious mind can look squarely at those hidden costs and figure out how to navigate through them, our gut has fulfilled its responsibility. It can now give us the green light to proceed with our decision with greater peace.

So when our gut throws a barrier in the way of our decision process, what kinds of things is it trying to tell us? Let's start with the simplest and easiest to fix and drill down to the deeper, harder ones.

1. Bad Idea

Sometimes we can't find peace about a decision simply because it's a bad one. The sales lady is harping on about the virtues of the latest pyramid scheme that only costs $2,000 to join. We feel anxious because our gut is shouting, "You hate sales. You're already in debt. This is not a good thing." In this case, if we could get away from the external pressure for just a moment, our gut's message would become clear right away. We already "know" what our choice is, we just need a few strategies to get the time to realize it, i.e. telling the person we'll think about it and call them back, hanging up the phone, asking where the restroom is, finding someone we need to "check with" first, etc. As soon as we have time to collect our thoughts, we know that our choice is "no."

2. Too Fast

Other times, the choice in front of us is not necessarily a bad one. It's just that we feel paralyzed by the pressure to choose right now. Our gut is saying, "Remember that time you chose your science fair partner in a hurry and ended up with the Party King who made you pull three all-nighters to finish it yourself? Let's choose more slowly, please!" The strategies for this one are the same as for the Bad Idea: getting ourselves some space to decide based on the good and bad things about the choice itself, not on urgency. The moment we feels the release of pressure, our gut gives us the green light to decide effectively.

3. Expecting Ease

The belief that decision making should be easy might also impede our ability to think well about the choices that we are making. Our gut says, "I need you to think through this process carefully and consider several options to make sure you can proceed safely." Meanwhile, we are arguing, "Smart/capable/efficient/worthwhile people are able to decide things quickly and effectively. If I want to be that way, I can't go through a long, tedious process. I have to decide now." As long as we hold to that belief, our gut will try to protect us by slowing us down. One strategy here might be to ask people that we consider to be wise to tell us how they make a variety of major decisions, not just the ones they can make quickly because they've already done the work to develop expertise in that area. As we find that wise people also decide unfamiliar things slowly and carefully, we can free ourselves to do the same.

4. Not Enough Information

Often, it's information, rather than time that is the issue. We did a great job telling both inquiring employers that we'd sleep on their offers and call them back. But several days have passed and we're still not clear. Our gut may be saying, "Right now, the choices are too even. You need more information to tip the scales so that one choice becomes more appealing than the other." Here, the strategy is research. We get more information about the work and the benefits, ask other employees about the work environment, ask our friends which position they can better imagine us in, etc. At some point, the scale tips and our gut gives us peace about the length of our decision process and the wisdom of our choice.

5. The Cake Problem

When we're making a decision about something positive, it's easy to forget that all change is a kind of death. When we choose one thing and not another, that other possibility is dead, at least for now. If we don't realize that, thinking we can "have our cake and eat it too," our gut will correct us by saying, "I need to make you nervous about getting engaged because you are so excited about it right now that you are forgetting how much you love the spontaneity and alone time of singleness. You need to mourn that loss so it doesn't catch you by surprise and ruin your relationship." The strategy here is to take the time to think through the things that are important to us that we will lose along with our choice, even when we are excited about a decision.Â

6. Full Plate

Sometimes, we can have plenty of information and time to make a decision, but our gut refuses to budge because there is just too much on our plate. We're trying to manage disciplining teenagers, shuttling aging parents back and forth from the doctor, shooting for a promotion, and approaching 50 all at the same time. Our gut is saying, "You don't have enough energy and brain power left over to make a good decision right now about moving to another city. I'm not giving you peace about this until you've got more breathing space." In this case, the strategy is to postpone non-urgent decisions until a less busy time, setting the bar pretty high for what qualifies as "urgent." When we're stressed, we need to be gentle with ourselves, not beat ourselves up because we are struggling with a hard decision when we're already maxed out!

7. Intolerance of Uncertainty

If we're not busier than usual and we've done quite a bit of research on our decision over an extended period of time with no resulting decrease in anxiety, we might have developed intolerance of uncertainty. Probably, we've had mixed experiences early on, where the consequences of similar choices were sometimes painful and sometimes neutral. Because a careful decision process couldn't prevent us from pain consistently before, our gut has defaulted to anxiety about any decision. In this case, more time and information probably won't help. The strategy here is to set a time limit for the decision, make the best one we can based on the information we've gathered, set up a plan for dealing with any negative consequences that could result, and then using anxiety management techniques like relaxation, self care, exercise, or setting time limits on our worry. Over time, the experience of making choices in spite of the anxiety and surviving the consequences will gradually train our gut to say "no" to good choice processes less and less.

8. Fear of Failure

We've got all kinds of fears about failure: financial ruin, relational loss, public shame, self hatred, loss of identity, and the list goes on. So as we approach decisions that would put us at risk of whatever we fear from failure, our gut might say, "If you fail at starting that business you are passionate about, your dad will say âI told you so' and you'll feel worthless again like you did in high school. Can you handle that?" Until we can see the light at the end of that fear tunnel, we're not likely to be able to move forward effectively. The strategy here would be to spend some time thinking through the worst case scenario all the way to the end. For example, "If my dad said âI told you so,' I'd say, âI'm not though trying yet.' I'd get another job and then try again, learning from my first mistakes. Even if I failed again, I could still respect myself for not giving up. I guess I could live with that." As soon as we realize we can live with whatever possible failure it is that we fear, our gut can calm down enough to let us move forward.

9. Shifting Identity

Change not only affects external circumstances, it also affects who we are and how we see ourselves. A high-powered executive facing the decision of whether to cut his hours to be with his kids might encounter the gut message: "For 25 years, you've defined yourself according to the work you were able to get done each day. Who will you be when all you have to show for your day are 10 changed diapers and 4 sand castles?" In this case, the strategy would be taking time to think through exactly what life would be like if we made the change-how much time would be spent in what kinds of work, leisure, and social activities. Then, we need to tie each activity into what we value. Our example dad might say, "I value being a good dad as much as I value my job. Each Friday, I will have changed 10 diapers and I know from the research that little boys' self esteem increases in proportion to the number of diapers their father changes. When I feel unproductive, I will tell myself that I am giving my son a better start on life than I was given. That will be my performance review." Once each activity change is examined and connected to a source of meaning and value, the gut can be okay with allowing a shift in identity.

10. Not Enough Support

Just as it requires more horsepower to climb a steeper hill, so bigger decisions require greater support and resources. So if we're deciding to retire from a job full of tasks and coworkers we love, facing an open schedule without many non-work friends, our gut might grind us to a halt, saying, "I don't want you to go through withdrawal from that much meaning from work and relationship without some people to turn to." The strategy here would be to gradually build up support systems of people and pleasant activities that can smooth the transition of a difficult choice. Taking up a new hobby, joining a community service group, volunteering, or setting up a weekly schedule of meetings with friends or fulfilling activities can all help to build the internal and external support we need to decide to do life-altering things.

If you or someone you know would like some help with decision making, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
Â
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

Waste Your Way to Worth

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:15:55 -0400

I've lived most of my life actively avoiding waste. There's a voice in my head that repeats like a broken record: life is short; resources are limited; so many people need help; there is so much to be done; there's no time to waste! Instead of the popular bumper sticker, "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention," the bumper sticker on my forehead would read, "If you're not busy, you're not paying attention." Actually, that's not true. I think it would be closer to, "If you're not busy, you're not worthwhile. You're wasting your life. You're not making the most of what you've been given during the brief time you've got." It would be a long bumper sticker.

Based on my personal bumper sticker, I think I may have bought into the theory of busyness that existential philosophers talk about: that time and resource efficiency is one way our unconscious mind combats the fear of death. If, during our lifetime, we can accomplish as much as most people would do in two or three, we have a bit more control. We're not quite so powerless against our impending doom. Plus, if anyone questions how we are spending our life, we can point to our day planners in defense: "See! I never wasted a moment! Surely, I have proven my worth!"

Now, those of you who aren't efficiency addicts will just have to trust me on this and follow along for a bit. Those of you who are crazy enough to have pursued efficiency to the extent that I have will know from experience that this approach to proving your worth works...for a while. But it's like a drug. If you are super efficient, you feel worthwhile, but then it raises the bar of what should be possible for you to accomplish during the day. The more efficient you are, the higher the bar gets set. And when you don't meet your ever-higher standard, the guilt of the waste has its way with you.

The Flawed World View of the Waste-less Life

Maybe it's that I'm getting older and I don't have the energy to super-produce all the time. Maybe it's the fact that caffeine has betrayed me, losing its once-magical effects so that it makes me feel sick, rather than alert. Maybe it's that I have friends and family who seem to love me whether I am efficient or not; in fact, I think they prefer non-efficient Jen. But I'm starting to think that the world view that's under most of my efficiency is just wrong.

Our world is so good at telling us that we are worth more the more we do, the better we look, the smarter we are, the more friends we have, etc. So when we're not busy working, we should at least be doing more to improve our worth by being prettier, handsomer, more interesting, more intelligent, more popular-name your favorite worth-gathering strategy. But what if we just "came" worthwhile? What if, in many ways, the most worthwhile thing that we could do was to just to "be"? Is that just too good to be true?

The other day, I saw the bumper sticker: "If you're not in AWE, you're not paying attention." What a radically different approach to life that would be! What if one of our main "jobs" during our time on earth was to be in awe: of creation, of people, of ourselves, of change, of time-all of it? Sure, we could work to earn a living and feed our kids, do an activity or two along the way, but to live out our worth, rather than trying to prove it, we'd need to set serious time aside to be in awe.

Experiments in Waste

Now, to be totally honest with you, this writing sounds pretty foofy to me so far, pretty "pie in the sky." Efficiency's not all it's cracked up to be, but it's worked pretty well for me, all things considered. I'm not quite ready to chuck it. Besides, the social activist/moralist/responsibility-supporter in me is shouting that if we told everyone to drop their productivity and actively waste time being in awe, the lazy good-for-nothings would take it to heart and do even less than they already are. The responsible, upstanding citizens wouldn't hold up their end either. Basically, the world would just collapse and nothing important, meaningful, or life-saving would get done ever again.

But I've also been doing experiments with intentional time wasting, doing my darnedest to waste about an hour a day (man, does that feel LONG to me!) just living out the awe and gratitude of being by doing things that are not at all productive. Frivolous things. Kid-like things. Shopping for things I don't need. Wandering through art galleries. Walking really slowly. Not exercising. Not reading to advance my career. Not producing...anything. And so far, what I have discovered is that I feel more deeply worthwhile than ever before. I have more energy to be kind to people. I am less afraid because I know that my need to be feel worthwhile as a person, not a cog in an efficient machine, will be met most every day. It's easier to treat others as ends in themselves, not means to get my needs met. I like God more. I like my family and friends more. It's really, really weird!

I'm starting to wonder if intentionally wasted time is essential to allowing us to learn our worth. If we are always producing and achieving, how would we ever know whether our worth would remain if we stopped? Until we stop...and find that we are still loved. Setting aside time to treat ourselves like royalty who, for the moment, have nothing to do but pursue leisure, makes us feel like royalty, and then we can respond to others out of that richness, rather than our hectic, ever-growing energy deficits.

I'm also learning that there's a difference between filling our down time with distractions that numb our pain and dedicating time to experience awe, gratitude, and our deep worth. It's not so much the activity as the purpose behind it. Spending time with friends to avoid the solitude that reminds us of our loneliness is numbing distraction, while spending time with a friend who feeds our soul, rather than churning out another progress report, is time dedicated to feeling our worth. Drinking alcohol to forget that we feel anxious about our job/spouse/kids/body/schedule etc. is a distraction; savoring the flavor of a great wine to celebrate that we are alive and can feel pleasure helps us delight in our worth and enriches us. Many of us have "diversions" but we are starving for time wasted in awe!

An Invitation to Awe

If you have, like me, been feeling weary for a long time... If, when you think about stopping and resting, you feel fear and guilt rather than relief and delight... If people seem like distractions to you, impeding your essential tasks... If you don't have any hobbies that aren't focused on some sort of self-improvement or getting ahead...then I invite you to join me in some experiments with scheduling time to waste in awe, maybe half an hour a day, maybe 3 hours on a weekend. During this time, see if you can do whatever you are drawn to do that is not at all productive and that helps you experience awe in and gratitude for yourself and the world around you. Watch out for defaulting to the things you typically use to numb pain to just get you through. Instead, see if you can find things that actively bring you joy. See if you can try it as regularly as you can for a month, since I'm pretty sure it takes about that long to have an effect. I'd love to hear what you discover. It sure is changing my life!

This is not as easy as it sounds. Trust me, I know! So if you or someone you know encounters difficulty with these experiments, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Paying for Peace

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:54:49 -0400

It's easy to be peaceful when no one is inconveniencing us. But most of us don't get to live in slogan land where we get things "my way right away." There's a lot of conflict in life, and most of it is cooked up by people. In general, the more people we relate to, the greater our potential for conflict.

Since most of us would say that we want more peaceful, rewarding lives, but we're also surrounded by a host of conflict-breeding people, we can bet that whatever peace we find will have a price tag. Depending on when and how we pay this price, though, we can have more or less interpersonal peace.

Conflict Style Quiz

So when and how do you pay your price for peace?

1. The last 3 times you've gotten together with your friend, he's been 20-30 minutes late. You:

a.Â Â Â Â Â Keep showing up on time, greet him with a smile, and tell yourself that friendship requires sacrifice.

b.Â Â Â Â Â Say nothing, but start showing up 45 minutes late to make sure he has to wait.

c.Â Â Â Â Â Tell him he's a failure as a friend and a person and that you will cut off if he's as much as 5 minutes late ever again.

d.Â Â Â Â Â Tell him that it's hard for you to enjoy your time together when his lateness makes you feel unimportant to him. To look forward to being with him, you need that to change.

2. Your spouse asks you to clean out the garage, but you notice that, despite being asked several times, she has not cleaned the dog poop out of the back yard for a whole month. You:

a.Â Â Â Â Â Clean out the garage and go ahead and do the back yard as well.

b.Â Â Â Â Â Silently vow to steer clear of the garage until she cleans the yard.

c.Â Â Â Â Â Tell her she can forget that vacation you were planning because you wouldn't want to go anywhere with someone so sloppy.

d.Â Â Â Â Â Tell her that if you clean out the garage while she has not cleaned up the back yard, you will feel like she's taking advantage of you, which will mess up other parts of your relationship. Invite her to set up a time where the two of you will both complete your chores.

3. Your boss has not given you a raise in two years, despite the fact that she told you she would when she hired you. You:

a.Â Â Â Â Â Keep showing up and doing your best, not mentioning it.

b.Â Â Â Â Â Begin taking office supplies home.

c.Â Â Â Â Â Tell your boss exactly what you think of her and resign right before a big presentation, making her do it at the last minute.

d.Â Â Â Â Â Tell her that you cannot do your best work when she is not valuing you as she promised. To remain at the company, you need evidence of follow through soon.

Four Conflict Styles

Those who answer with A's-the Passive conflict style-pay up front for their half and the other person's half of the interpersonal peace "bill." The idea of requiring others to follow through with their reasonable relational responsibilities is painful enough that Passive people would rather just give up their interpersonal rights instead. Others may see them as likable, dependable, and "safe," but Passive people earn this reputation at a high price. They can be quick to burnout, struggle with over or under eating, have poor health and self care, and miss exciting opportunities that would require others to be a little inconvenienced. The feeling that life is giving them the short end of the stick may fester into resentment that leaks out or explodes at strangers or loved ones. Passive people buy short-term interpersonal peace at the price of long- term self destruction.

Those who answer with B's-the Passive-Aggressive conflict style-pay both people's share of the interpersonal peace bill up front, but then find ways to collect the whole sum back from the other person indirectly. They want others to see them as likable and dependable, but they are not going to be taken advantage of for long. Over time, the other person will pay, they just might not know it for awhile. Eventually, though, other people feel uncomfortable around Passive-Aggressive people and begin to avoid them. What they say about their feelings or preferences can't be trusted because they'll tell people what they want to hear and then make them pay for it later. By then, they might not even know what they're paying for. Passive-Aggressive people buy short-term interpersonal peace at the cost of long-term conflict and abandonment.

Those who answer with C's-the Aggressive conflict style-demand that the other person pay the whole bill for interpersonal peace up front with interest. If they feel taken advantage of, they see it as an opportunity to collect on any previous relational "debts" as well. They will stay in relationship only of the offending party agrees to bow down and pay amends on this conflict with extra added in to cover past wrongs as well-even if that person wasn't responsible for those past wrongs. The nice thing about this conflict style is that people know exactly who they are dealing with right away. There's no pretense here. But Aggressive people are scary and unsafe. Others tend to avoid them sooner rather than later. Aggressive people refuse to pay the short-term costs for interpersonal peace, paying long-term costs of ongoing conflict and abandonment instead.

Those who answer with D's-the Assertive conflict style-pay only their half of the interpersonal peace bill up front and ask the other person to do the same. They are aware of and okay with their own needs and limitations: that they only have so much energy to give, that they can't function long-term in relationships where others won't perform their responsibilities, and that they can't be much good to others unless they care for themselves as well. They tend to take a long-term view of relationships, knowing that the benefits of successful working and personal relationships are worth the short-term hassle of figuring out where to draw the line between their needs and responsibilities and those of others, and the inconvenience of asking for what they need. They pay the price of discernment and inconveniencing others in the short-term to gain long-term interpersonal peace and self care.Â

What Does Assertiveness Require?

If we're looking for a conflict style that maximizes our long-term interpersonal and personal peace, obviously Assertiveness is the clear choice. But it would be a mistake to think that it's simple just because it makes the most sense. I mean, what's more difficult for self-starters and rugged individualists than admitting that we have limitations and we need others to come through for us or eventually, we can't be in relationship with them or do business with them? And what's more difficult for kind, other-centered people to admit than that their own needs must be met in a mutual fashion on an ongoing basis, or they won't be any good to anyone else?

What an incredible personal balance is required for the Assertiveness battle cry of, "I can do some for you, but not all; I need you to do some for me, but not all." The line between some and all on both sides is constantly changing. It takes ongoing work and attention.

This is tough stuff. A long journey. But since it is worth it to move toward more sustainable peace in your relationships, here are some things you might try:

Â·Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Thinking through past and current conflicts, see if you can identify which conflict style you tend to prefer.

Â·Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â For each past and current conflict example, think through what an Assertive response would look like.

Â·Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Once per day, practice responding Assertively in a small, relatively easily conflict like asking for a receipt when one wasn't given, informing someone who has cut in front of you that you were already in line, etc.

Â·Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Gradually practice responding Assertively in situations that are more and more difficult for you, seeing if you can work up to one per week.

Â·Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Don't give up! Your relationships and self care are worth it!

If you or someone you know would like some help understanding or practicing assertiveness, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Latest Device Does Just About Everything!

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 17:53:25 -0400

Let's say that some nerds at MIT or Harvey Mudd or somewhere came out with a device called the "A-Game." You could wear on your belt or carry it in your purse. It's specifically tailored to you and it tells you, with at least 90% accuracy:

how much sleep and rest you really need
when to eat, what to eat, and how much to have the most energy and be optimally fit
how active you need to be, when to push harder and when to lay off
how much to work on which days
how spiritually connected you are
whether someone is taking advantage of you
whether a person is safe to relate to
which situations to avoid and which to get more of
which decision would be the best for you out of several choices.

Would you want an A-Game? How much would you pay for it? Hundreds? Thousands? I mean, imagine the money, stress, and effort that it would save on diet and exercise gimmicks, on purchasing "lemon" products, dodging scary relationships, or paying therapists to figure out what's going on with us. Think of all the extra energy, attractiveness, and years of life we'd have! I think I would pay quite a bit for such a thing. Sure, I might choose to ignore it sometimes, but I think I'd want to know what it said, nonetheless.

Your A-Game: Already Purchased and Delivered

The thing is, most of us already have one of these devices, mostly or fully operational: our body. Careful attention to slight stomach pains and energy drops or stomach stretching tells us when we are hungry for what foods, how much, and when we are satisfied. A "blah" feeling somewhere between sleepy and energetic can tell us we need some more activity or endorphins. Pain that gets worse with activity and doesn't fade in a few days tells us we need to stop that type of activity until we heal. Shoulder tension, clenched teeth, or a constriction in our "gut" can tell us there is something not right about a situation. A "dropping feeling" in our core area and shoulders may tell us that a choice we are considering is not the best for us. A tingly/restful/awake feeling toward the top of the brain or near the heart can reflect how deeply we feel connected spiritually.

When we are paying attention to our body, listening to its signals, obeying whatever it indicates, and then noticing the rewards it gave us for our obedience, it can tell us some amazing things. So why don't we 1) notice what it is saying to us or 2) follow the instructions it provides? I mean, we've got this awesome tool, totally unique and tailored to us. It can accomplish a collection of things that psychics and mentors and an army of professionals hardly have a prayer of matching. So why don't we use it like we could?

Device Duller #1: Contradictory Outside Messages

I bet pressure from other people has a lot to do with it, especially early on. You've probably seen the ways infants or toddlers eat, for example. They tend to know when they are hungry and also when hunger is not a big enough deal to trump the desire to go play. But then adults say things like, "If you don't finish your plate now, you're not getting anything till breakfast" or "Eat up, there are starving kids in Whereverland."

Now, I get that there are lots of good reasons adults give these kinds of messages to kids: concerns about a balanced diet, exhaustion from fetching meals all the live-long day, wanting the little one to learn to accommodate other people's needs, etc. At the same time, the underlying message so many of us pick up is: Don't pay attention to the cues your body is giving you about hunger, the timing for eating, and what you want to eat; take your eating cues from other people, the time on the clock, the amount someone put on your plate, and the ways other people are eating. Without some training or encouragement regarding paying attention to our body's cues about hunger and satisfaction, in addition to learning to accommodate the needs of others, we can eventually numb out our awareness of what we need and want because we have overridden it to accommodate other people so many times.

Or what about when you meet someone and they just weird you out? Period. When you are with them, you feel tense and your gut knots up, even though you can't put your finger on what it is about them that makes you feel that way. Your body is telling you to avoid them even if your mind can't find a legitimate reason for doing so. But then other people come in with messages like, "Give everyone a chance," "Be nice and reach out," and "Everyone needs a friend." Of course I am not disagreeing with these messages! I think they are usually true. But there seems to be a difference between deciding you will reach out to someone even though you don't feel a natural connection with them, and overriding your body's gut message to steer clear of someone because something is not right about them, not just inconvenient or annoying.

I've had experience with overriding a gut feeling in order to be nice: hiring people out of pity/obligation who turned out to be a disaster, including people in intimate friend groups who destroyed the group's ability to be together, continuing to hang out with people who later turned out to be hiding dangerous and illegal habits. After getting smacked around by ignoring my gut for years, I'm starting to notice when it goes off and pay attention! There are so many people to care for and very few people really weird me out that way. Other people can care for and be friends with people with whom my gut is not okay.

Device Duller #2: Personal Fears

Maybe the other main reason we don't pay attention to our body's messages is that we are afraid of what it is telling us. The tension in our shoulders and our recent accident-proneness shouts, "Slow down! Your schedule is too much for you!" But we are afraid that if we slow down, we won't feel successful and valued, so we ignore it. The heaviness of our eyes in the afternoon, our snippiness at others, and our lack of focus says, "Forget the recommended 7-8 hour sleep recommendations, your system needs 8.5 hours to function well." We fear that sleeping that much would mean we would have to relinquish our view of ourselves as busy, fun, and energetic, so we keep sleeping 6 hours per night and abusing coffee (and those closest to us) to make up for it. The fact that we can't feel any sensation in our stomach-not stretched to full and not feeling flat and empty-reports that we are already satisfied and don't need more food, but if we stop eating, we'll be bored, or have to do that yucky task, or have to feel the sadness we've been running from, so we just keep eating.

I realize that the forces that numb out our ability to notice our body's cues and respond to them are significant! Going against long-term caretaker programming, risking offending other people because we are listening to our body instead of (or at least in addition to) what they want us to do, being thought odd or unkind because we dodge a few people who freak us out, facing our fears about our self worth and value that get linked to activities that don't fit our body's needs, feeling our negative emotions instead of running from them-all of these are really difficult.

In fact, they probably wouldn't be worth tackling at all if the alternative to ignoring them weren't worse: health decline from obesity or nutritional imbalance, injured body parts, exhaustion, bad relationships, dangerous situations, spiritual atrophy, bad decisions, or inability to notice negative internal states and external circumstances while they can still be changed.

Increasing Body Message Awareness, Not Guilt

With all these negative consequences, I'll bet you thought I was going to recommend just soldiering through all the fear and shifting your whole life to be responsive to what your body is saying, huh? Well, I'm not.

I don't think that the "everything must change now" approach usually results in feelings of obligation and guilt that eventually sabotage the whole effort. But just making a habit of noticing what our bodies are saying, without any obligation to respond, can nurture awareness over time of how helpful our body's messages can be. Once we become grateful for what it is saying, that is usually the time to respond because only then can we respond out of desire and gratitude rather than obligation. And those are typically the changes that stick.

To start this process, see if for one week, once per day, in a quiet and daily-visited place like the bathroom or another place where you are alone, you can notice what your body is saying:

1. Starting with your toes and moving up gradually to the crown of your head, notice any part of your body that is experiencing a particular sensation: warmth, pain, tension, relaxation, constriction, discomfort, creaks or gurgles, pressure, fatigue, etc.

2. For each sensation you notice, ask yourself what circumstance or event might be related to it, and what your body might be asking you to do regarding that.

Example: The ache in my heel tells me my running injury is not healed yet and I should stretch and keep biking instead of running. The tension in my lower back tells me I've been sitting in an awkward way all day and I need to bring a back pillow to work. The constricted feeling in my stomach tells me I need to eat within the next 30-60 minutes. The tension in my shoulders tells me I'm worried about whether I will have what I need to meet tomorrow's deadline, while having to care for my sick child tonight. I may need to bite the bullet and ask my mom to help care for my child to lower my stress tonight.

3. Resisting the urge to obey your body's wishes unless you really want to and really feel that you can, simply thank your body for all the information it is giving you at that moment.

During the next week, see if you can do this same exercise 2-3 times a day instead of just once. During the week after, try up to 5 times per day. If you are at all like me, you may need to use Outlook, Google Calendar, your phone alarm, or another program to remind you to notice your body throughout the day. As your daily awareness of your body's messages increases, see if you can wait to respond to its messages until you feel grateful for them and really want to make a change.

And for a good read on listening to your body's cues about hunger, nutrition, and fitness, instead of dieting, I recommend Am I Hungry: What to Do When Diets Don't Work by May, Galper, & Carr.

If you or someone you know would like help tuning in to or responding to the body's messages, free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
5370 Manhattan Circle, Suite 203
Boulder, CO 80303

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com.

When Old Dogs Can't Learn New Tricks

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 15:44:45 -0400

I wouldn't have dedicated my life to helping people change if I didn't deeply believe that change is possible. And I have seen people make incredible turn-arounds when I least expected it. But I need to be straight with you: Some people were either born with or developed traits that make it extremely unlikely that they will ever change. Short of a frontal lobotomy or divine intervention, some dogs are just not going to learn new tricks.

I feel compelled to be the bearer of this bad news today and flesh out some themes of my last newsletter, because of the agony I keep seeing in those who love these "unchangables" and who keep holding on, white-knuckled, to the hope that they will change, only to be bitterly disappointed time after time.

I tell you, the Cirque du Soleil contortionists have nothing on Lovers of Unchangeables. These folks put themselves through no end of effort in an attempt to get Unchangeables to change. They'll diet, take classes, learn new hobbies, or have sex when they don't want to in an effort to please the person; they'll confront the person, host umpteen interventions, go to years of therapy, and explain away endless breaches of trust; they'll give money they can't afford, answer calls at all hours, and conceal painful things the person has done from themselves and others; they'll neglect other relationships, sacrifice their own health, and turn to their own addictions to cope with all the effort they are exerting. There's no end to what they'll try. And sacrificing one's self through repeated attempts to get an Unchangeable to change is simply a horrible way to live.

But what if there was a way to tell the difference between old dogs who can learn new tricks-even if slowly and not too many at a time-and old dogs whose tombstones will read, "Never, ever, ever changed no matter what anyone tried"? If so, it might be possible for Lovers of Unchangeables to mourn the fact that the person will never change and then figure out what they themselves would need to do to live healthy, joyful lives themselves in ways that do not at all depend on the Unchangeable changing. They could be confident in their choice to shift their strategy with the Unchangeable from useless attempts to get them to change to setting limits on the amount they will let that person affect their own self worth, time, money, relationships, career, future plans, etc.

How to Spot an Unchangeable

I'm not claiming to have the final word on what traits absolutely prevent people from changing without exception. But these are the ones I've read about and seen in my own relationships and my work with adults. (These may not apply to folks younger than about 25, whose resistance to change may be a matter of brain development more than personality trait problems.) I've listed them in rank order, with the first ones being those that are most likely to prevent change:

1. Total Failure to Take Responsibility for Anything. Whenever the person is confronted with a shortcoming, breach of trust, or anything negative, they find a way to blame it on something else-their childhood, another person, you, their circumstances, etc. Or they rationalize it away until the behavior is not bad (e.g., "I don't drink that much," "You are just too sensitive," "It's not personal, it's business," "I just do what I need to do to get the job done"). They can't stand to admit even partial fault. It's like they've got a Teflon shield for negativity that insures nothing negative can touch their consciousness. Because they can't allow themselves to perceive that anything about them is negative, there is no internal motivation to change it. The invitation to change gets knocked down before it can ever take root.

2. Not Understanding the Difference between Talk and Change. Some people, when confronted, will admit to being at fault. They will show remorse that looks real and convincing. But no matter how many times they are confronted about the same issue, no matter how much the consequences for their behavior escalate, no change results. It is as if they believe that having a conversation about a hurtful behavior is the same as doing something about it. If 10 conversations that include clear, specific behavior change requests, promises, and increasing consequences haven't led to any behavior change, what are the odds that the 11^th conversation will change anything?

3. A Trail of Wrecked Relationships and Opportunities. All of us make mistakes in relationships, jobs, school, and other choices. What sets Unchangeables apart is that it seems like they keep making exactly the same mistakes over and over again, though they may be able to tell you a different reason for each one. If someone is telling you about (or you learn about from other sources) a long history (5+) of romantic relationships or friendships that ended for similar reasons, helpers they tried and left without really giving it a shot, jobs they were fired from or quit without really trying to make them work, then you would need to see some pretty clear and long term (more than a year) evidence that the person has made a successful break from that past way of being in order to substantiate hope that the person really is different now and is really capable of sustaining a changed direction.

4. Failure to Change Started Young and Stayed Around. Traits that started in the teens or early twenties and then kept going after about age 25 are likely to be much less changeable than those that either peaked in the teens and early twenties and then declined as the person matured past 25-30, or those that appeared after 25-30. The longer a trait has been with someone, especially if it spans more than one season of life (adolescence, early adulthood, middle adulthood, late adulthood), the less likely that it will change.

What to Do If You Suspect Someone You Love is an Unchangeable

So let's say you think you've got an Unchangeable on your hands. What now?

1. Make Sure You've Communicated Clearly. While I've described the dangers of hoping an Unchangeable will change when they won't, it's also wise to make sure that someone is pretty darned Unchangeable before giving up on efforts to help them. So it's best to start by asking yourself whether you have ever clearly communicated to the person what you would like them to change in specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-defined (SMART) ways; the effect that their not-changing has on you and others; and what steps you will need to take if the change does not happen. If you have not been able to communicate these things to them clearly, start by doing that once or a few times to see if clarity and repetition has an effect.

2. Mourn What You Have Lost. If you have already tried everything you can imagine to get someone to change and you have growing certainty that it's just not going to happen, take some time daily or weekly over several weeks to really think through everything you had hoped could happen, followed by the anger and sadness you feel because of the helplessness of the situation and the hurt that the person has caused you. If you can, share these disappointed hopes and your anger and sadness with another person who can support and comfort you in your loss.

3. Set New Habits and Limits. Take some time to think about what a healthy, joyful life could look like for you if you had an absolute guarantee that nothing about the person would ever, ever change. What time, space, emotional, physical, sexual, communication, social, legal, etc. limits would you need to set on the person to ensure that you would be able to make sure your own needs get taken care of? Who else in your life could you go to for help meeting the needs and hopes that you had expected that person to satisfy? What new practices, hobbies, support networks, or schedules could you begin (or stop!) to make sure that your needs get met? What organizations or other relationships could you invest in, where you would get to see positive change happening effectively in the world?

4. Don't Forget! Write out the evidence that you have seen that this person will not change. Add some phrases that help you to focus on what you plan to do to increase your own health and joy, despite the fact that the person won't change, like the Serenity Prayer. Review this list daily or weekly to help yourself break the habit of returning to fruitless efforts to get the other person to change.

If you or someone you know would like help with discerning whether someone in your life will change or with changing strategies with an Unchangeable, free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
5370 Manhattan Circle, Suite 203
Boulder, CO 80303

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

When Hope is Bad for You

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 16:56:39 -0400

I am weirded out by Carl Rogers' observation: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." I am even further unsettled by the extension of this concept that it's when we accept other people just as they are, somehow it frees them to change, too. I don't feel like either of these should be true.

A part of me feels like the truth should be: "As long as I refuse to accept the parts of me I don't like, I can starve them out of existence until they are no longer there," followed by, "As long as I make every effort to get another person to change, so that no interaction is free of that effort, I can corral them into change by never giving up." I mean, doesn't change happen through constant, repeated effort and the refusal to accept what is just not acceptable?

Apparently not. What I keep seeing in my own life and those of my clients is that change often somehow begins once we give up or hope that we or other people could be different and instead accept that we or they are not as we'd like. Specifically, I'm talking about the kind of hope that strives to control an undesirable part of reality by refusing to allow it to be what it is. Let me give two examples, one related to relationships and the other to the self.

How Acceptance Frees Us

Let's start with two parents who have done everything they can think of to get their son to stop drinking and are now holding fast to the belief: "We can't give up hope that our son will stop drinking or he never will." Since they have already done everything they can think of to do, clinging tightly to "hope," as if the sheer act of clinging to that thought can change what nothing else has been able to change, does not give them increased power over the situation. It simply keeps them from living in the reality that they've done everything they could and if the situation ever changes, it will be due to circumstances or miracles beyond their control, not their "hope."

If refusing to live in reality wasn't bad enough, the parents' "hope" may actually be getting in the way of their son's change. Whenever he interacts with them, he's having to interact with their unreal image of him as "the boy who wants to change and could at any moment" not as the reality of who he is right now: "the boy who is stubbornly happy to be drinking thank-you-very-much." Their refusal to interact with him as he is causes distance in their relationship and makes any advice they give seem even more out of touch. If they at least acknowledged the full reality of where he is at right now, rather than clinging to what he is not, they could at least have some real conversations. He wouldn't have to put so much energy into standing up for who he knows he is in his own mind, resisting their unreality. He might even have some energy left over to consider whether he's made the best choices. Oddly, accepting him where he is at might free him up to consider whether that's where he wants to be. But that could only begin with his parents' giving up that clinging "hope" that blocks acceptance of what is.

Let's get more personal, now. What is something that really bothers you about yourself that you wish weren't there? For me, it's my knees. I'm grumpy that even though I'm only in my 30's, I can't seem to go running, cut a rug on the dance floor, or even wear heals for a few hours without damaging my knees in some painful way that never seems to heal all the way. I do not want to accept this. I want to hold on to the "hope" that the right combo of physical therapy, rest, and steroids or something can make my knees 15 years old again and I could still be one of those "soldier through the pain" athletes who can do anything. I've been secretly hoping to change reality by remaining pissed off at it and holding onto the "hope" of perpetual knee youth.

As long as I hold onto this "hope," I not only keep trying activities I know will hurt me, I stay angry at the reality of life that things decay and even more angry at myself for not being able to overcome that. What kind of wimp am I that I can't just keep going through pain? What's wrong with my stupid tall body? Why wasn't it made right? And on and on. Anger at one's self takes up a lot of emotional energy, and often slips over into depression.

Now beginning to give up that hope of knee youth, what happens? Mourning, first of all, that life does involve decay and that it will lead to death someday. Then, acceptance of the reality that there may be some things I can do about this, but I can't turn back the clock. This gets followed by acceptance of my self, somehow, too. If it just so happens that I live in a world where I am subject to decay and that I have been given my body's form of decay, not that of an Olympian's body, I don't have to keep strangling the part of myself that is reflecting that reality because I don't like it. I can make my peace with it. Giving up that anger disguised as "hope" frees up a lot of energy and some good feelings toward my self. I've got some energy left over to be grateful for what I still can do. And likely, by not making myself do things that hurt me, I'll have less knee pain overall. I might even heal enough to chase my kids around the playground. But I can't get to the real change of increased peace with myself about my limits and increased rest that could heal my body without giving up the false, angry "hope" that refuses to accept what is.

I am pretty sure that it's this process that allows acceptance to be a catalyst for change. I keep seeing it over and over again. I see people who have clung so tightly to the hope that a parent could really accept them after so many years of criticism finally give up that hope and accept their parents' limitations. And suddenly the parent becomes more accepting. So weird. I see people who haven't exercised in years, say, "Even though I hate exercise, I deeply love and accept myself." And then-again so weird-start exercising. Even though I don't totally get it, I think there's something to it.

An Oddly Effective Acceptance Technique

So since it seems to work, let me tell you about an acceptance technique that I've seen help some people change in pretty short order:

Identify something that is bothering you that you would rather not be feeling/thinking about/doing, e.g., being depressed, craving sweets, not feeling able to forgive your dad, not being able to accept that another person won't change, not exercising, having pain in your back, feeling like a failure, etc.
On a 1(low) - 10 (high) scale, rate how much the issue is bothering you. For a week, try repeating 7 times a day, "Even though I (insert whatever is bothering you), I deeply and completely love and accept myself." If you are a person of faith, feel free to alternate this back and forth with the phrase, "Even though I (insert whatever is bothering you), God deeply and completely loves and accepts me."
As you continue to do this, you may notice specific parts of the issue that really bother you coming to mind more intensely. So feel free to change your phrase to address these specifics.
Check in with your 1-10 scale at the end of the week to see what has changed and continue until you get down to a 1 or to wherever feels okay to you.

If nothing's changed, you might also try a tapping sequence that goes along with it in something called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), found here: http://www.jenniferdiebel.com/uploads/EFT_Tapping.pdf. For people who are more body-oriented learners, or who have thinking patterns that are more entrenched, this can help to connect the desired acceptance to parts of the brain that are activated by these touch points to boost the effect. And even if it doesn't work, I have found it to be quite relaxing :)

If you or someone you know would like help with accepting reality, free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
5370 Manhattan Circle, Suite 203
Boulder, CO 80303

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

Muddling Happens

Sun, 02 May 2010 11:16:44 -0400

Anyone else notice that predicting the future used to be the exclusive job of prophets and oracles, but now it seems like everyone's supposed to do it? I mean, let's take a closer look at the messages so many of us manage to pick up from our culture:

You must do well in school to go to a good college, get a good job, and have a good relationship; you will not be happy without these things.
You should always know what you want to do next.
If you get what you want, you will be happy.
There is one right path for your life and if you miss it, you will never recover.
You should pick one career in your teens or early 20s and do it happily for the rest of your life.
Sufficient planning can guard you from future pain.
You can achieve clarity about your next step if you only think hard enough about it and ask enough people about what you should do.

At first glance, these might seem like reasonable proverbs: sayings that are likely to be true as long as circumstances don't do anything too weird. At a second glance, though, these don't actually match the lived experience of the majority of people. Frankly, how many of us have gotten what we wanted and then realized we didn't like it? Or our hard work in college got us a job we hated (or didn't get us a job!) that actually hurt our relationships? Or by trial, error, failure, luck, and indirection-not careful planning-we ended up loving something we never would have dreamed we'd like in our teens and twenties?

Since these cultural "shoulds" don't match most people's experience, they aren't actually conventional wisdom. They're really more like oracles: predictions of the future particular to one person's situation that are not really transferrable to everyone.

What's so sad though, is how we torture ourselves when our experience doesn't match these supposed predictions. We tell ourselves we are failures because we couldn't stay on the course we originally planned. When we pursue what we wanted and don't succeed, we tell ourselves that our desires and reasoning must not be trustworthy. Or, we feel dysfunctional because we can't figure out what we want, or because we get what was supposed to make us happy and it doesn't fit.

The Necessity of Muddling

But what if told ourselves and our children the truth about life: that there is just no way around muddling? What if we guaranteed ourselves that there will be periods where all the thinking and planning in the world will not be able to produce the experiences we would need to be confident about what to do next? Even if we take years to think through a "foolproof" 5, 10, or 30 year plan, our planning can only take us to the circumstances a little ways ahead, maybe a few months or a year or two. During that time, unforeseen directions and opportunities will come our way and there is no way we can know in advance how we will feel about them and the kind of person we will become as a result of it all. We will just have to reevaluate what we want and what to do in light of these unexpected experiences.

Imagine the pressure that could be lifted if we approached our major decisions with the necessity of muddling in mind. Rather than stressing out about whether we will like engineering forever, as we choose our college major, we could tell ourselves, "With everything I know about me and life right now, engineering seems like a good choice. Maybe something else will come along and I will change my mind later, but this is what I've got to work with now. No use stressing about what I can't know. I won't ruin all my chances of future fulfillment by changing my mind about a career. These days, people average 7 career changes in a lifetime. This one could be just a good place to start."

Or, rather than flogging ourselves because we've hit a confusing life transition and we don't have an answer for all those people who always asking us what we will do next, what if we told ourselves, "There are about four things I can kind of imagine myself trying at this point. I don't have enough experience with any of them to know whether I'd like any of them long term. So there's no way I can make a "perfect" choice that will guarantee I don't end up disliking whatever I try. I guess I will just try something for awhile and see if I like it and what unforeseen opportunities it might present themselves in the process."

Learning to Muddle

What decision has been bugging you lately? You keep thinking about it or asking other people what they think you should do, but the pressure of everything you can't know about the future is keeping you stuck at the crossroads, unable to go one way or the other because of all you can't predict. It may help to ask yourself the following questions about this decision:

What future things that are impossible to know right now are you pressuring yourself to know to feel okay with your choice? How can you practice accepting these unknowns?
What good things could come out of your making the "wrong" choice? What possibilities might that open up even if you don't succeed?
What do you fear is true about you because of your difficulty with this decision? If you were to ask a reasonable friend about these fears, what would that person say is probably true about you in this area, as opposed to what you fear is true?
What experiences have you not yet had that you would need to have had already to be really confident about this decision? How might you free yourself up to try out some of these experiences to grow your confidence through them, rather than pressuring yourself to have clarity and confidence beforehand?
Who might you ask about the path their life has taken-the twists, turns, and unexpected possibilities and tragedies-to help reassure you that other people can't make foolproof plans either?
Looking back on past life transitions, what was the muddling process like? What unexpected events happened in the middle of confusing periods to help bring you to your next direction? In what ways is your current transition similar to that past process?

If you or someone you know would like help muddling through a major decision or life transition, free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

A Balanced Diet of Self Pity?

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 21:06:21 -0400

Is there such a thing as a "balanced diet" of self pity? Does it have a legitimate, healthy purpose that should be nurtured? Or should it be stomped out of existence as soon as possible like a disease-carrying cockroach? I've been wondering about that recently, since I keep running into folks who seem to be on the extremes of the self pity spectrum.

The Self Pity Anorexic

On one extreme, there are people who have been run over, not by a truck or two, but by a whole convoy. They crawl away from the wreckage back into a culture that pressures everybody to buck up and bounce back quickly from setbacks. Or they stagger back into communities that say the universe or God or the American Dream rewards virtuous people who work hard. So if something bad happened to them, at some level, it's gotta be their fault. So now, they are not only run over, they are also responsible for it.

The people in their lives who should be offering them compassion (often including themselves!) seem allergic to the idea that bad things can happen to good (or at least average) people...at least for very long. Out of that fear, they refuse them the right to say, "I am a good, worthwhile human being trying just as hard as other people. Valuable, important things were taken from me in ways I could not prevent. I need to thoroughly acknowledge and mourn what was stolen!" It seems like affirming a bit more of this kind of self pity-thoroughly acknowledging and mourning what was lost personally and in community-is what could be healing for this kind of person. Soldiering along as if nothing has happened is keeping them stuck as the "walking wounded," not helping them to heal. They need a healthy booster shot of pity from self and others!

The Self Pity Glutton

On the other extreme, there are people who have been hurt by something a long time ago. The hurt may have been a huge trauma or one of the inconveniences and disappointments that the majority of us encounter as we bump along through life. But rather than mourning the event, doing the work to repair the trauma, and then moving on to see what else might be going on with life, these people become stuck in self pity. No matter how often you talk to them, the conversation eventually (if not immediately) turns to all that they could have been if "X event" had not happened, how X makes it so hard for them, how other people can never really understand X, how because of X they will never be able to do what other people can do, how they could never think of the world or God or people as being good because of the existence of X, and so on.

What feels extreme is not so much the content of this litany. Certainly, there are things about life that make each of those feelings feel deeply true. Rather, it's the frequency and repetition of these things that feels extreme, making even the most patient, giving friend wonder if listening supportively, yet once again, is just feeding the self pity parasite that is sucking the person dry of any present or future joy, hope, or excitement that might interrupt the endless stream of victimhood. The question here is how to stop the self pity sucker before it consumes all of the person's life.

Considering the dangers of both of these extremes, how are we supposed to know-both for ourselves and those we love-when self pity is an important part of the healing process that needs to be encouraged, not bypassed, and when it is a destructive parasite that drains the energy and meaning from life and relationships?

Reading the Times

It seems like the amount of time that has passed is a key element here for determining whether to feed a self pity anorexic or starve a self pity glutton. The tricky part that I am finding is that it is not so much the amount of time that has passed since the hurtful event as the time that has passed since the person has started to be able to talk through the details and emotions of the event with supportive others.

If less than a year has passed since the person first started talking about what happened, the person probably still has some healing to do. Healing needs feeding and support, not withdrawal and starvation. In our culture, it often seems like our tolerance for mourning is about a month after the event, or maybe 90 days if we are super patient. But when people have a had a major trauma or loss, this may only give them enough time to put a band aid on the most acute pain. Working through the change in world view, the changes in the logistics of life, and re-crafting their identity and community in light of what has happened takes a lot longer. It's not unusual for someone to legitimately need support a year or so after they have started to be able to talk about what happened.

If after over a year of being able to talk meaningfully about the details and emotions of the event, there is not a decrease in the amount of time and focus spent on re-hashing the event, that may mean: 1) that the person's brain is stuck in the trauma and they will probably need help from a trauma-focused therapist to get un-stuck; 2) the person may be in danger of allowing their victimization to define who they are, cutting themselves off from meaningful activities and relationships that could still afford them joy, even in light of the terrible losses they have experienced. The support offered to these folks may need to shift from empathetic listening and care-taking to ongoing encouragement to engage in meaningful activities and relationships that make a contribution to the present and the future, gradually focusing less and less on the past.

Below, I've listed some ways to figure out what you or others are experiencing in the way of self pity and some things that you can do to help yourself or others, depending on whether there's too much self pity or not enough. As there are quite a number of signs and suggestions here, feel free to skip ahead to whatever if helpful to you!

Detecting and Supporting Self Pity Anorexics

Signs of needing more self pity. If you or someone important to you experienced a significant loss within the past year, the following may be signs that you need an increased level of validation and support to help you heal from your pain:

loss of interest in activities;
irregularities in sleeping patterns, including more frequent nightmares;
feeling like you are maxed out and don't have enough energy to give to anyone else;
feeling jumpy and scared often;
irregularities in appetite;
drawing back from community,
low energy;
short fuse, quick anger;
tears right beneath the surface;
feeling emotionally numb;
suddenly feeling as if the loss is happening all over again in the present;
needing to drastically simplify life to make it through;
feeling stuck in a "waiting" place, unsure of what you could possibly do next;
having a hard time using emotion words about the hurtful event, or just about life.

Self-help for insufficient self pity. If you are experiencing several of the signs above, the following things may help:

joining a group of others who have gone through similar events to talk about what has happened to you;
writing down what you are tempted to believe is true about you based on what has happened and asking trusted others to lovingly evaluate the list with you;
figuring out what kinds of get-togethers feel good to you and making specific requests to trusted others to initiate these things on a regular, but not overwhelming schedule to help you when you can't reach out;
figuring out what kinds of things others say and do that are not helpful, then telling them what these are and asking them to try to avoid these things with you;
scheduling a specific amount of time each day or week to fully experience your emotions about what you have experienced;
cutting yourself some slack in your regular tasks, just as if you were healing from a significant physical injury;
finding between 5-10 trusted friends, family members, therapists, mentors, or groups you could talk to about your experience so that you don't wear out those closest to you;
getting lots of rest, exercise, and eating as nutritionally as you can to give yourself the energy you need to heal;
giving yourself permission to distract yourself and not feel the hurt intensely all the time;
finding a specific and meaningful way to memorialize the loss-dedicating a work of art, holding a service, taking a trip, making a photo album, getting a tattoo, etc.

Help for others who lack sufficient self pity. If you are supporting someone who has been through a significant loss in the last year or so, the following things may be helpful:

letting them know that it is okay for them to take a long time to work through what they are feeling;
listening and being with them rather than giving suggestions about what to do;
telling them that based on what they have experienced their feelings make sense;
telling them that what has happened is a significant loss that really should be mourned and that they are not weak for feeling the loss;
telling them they are still good people even though hard things have happened to them;
reaching out to be with them more often than they reach out to you;
not saying that you understand what they are experiencing, only that you are sorry for what has happened;
encouraging them to cut themselves some slack;
asking permission before offering any suggestions and not giving advice if they refuse it;
assuming they are doing the best that they possibly could to recover;
affirming them for all steps they take to recover, including intense grieving;
being willing to follow their lead in needing fun and distracting things to do or needing to talk about what happened, often in the same get-together.

Detecting and Supporting Self Pity Gluttons

Signs of stuck pain. If it's been over a year since you or someone important to you started talking about a major loss with supportive others, the following may be signs that you may need help from a trauma therapist to get unstuck from your pain:

persisting problems with sleep, eating, nightmares, or flashbacks;
continuing to be easily startled;
continuing to need to make a fast getaway from certain stressful environments;
continuing to avoid people, places, and things that remind you of the hurtful event.

Signs of excessive self pity. If the above things are not occurring and it's been over a year after the event, the following signs may indicate that self pity has begun to take over your identity and cut you off from a meaningful connection to current and future activities and relationships:

the amount of time spent discussing the event or grieving is not gradually decreasing;
difficulty thinking of meaningful plans for the future or finding meaning in present activities;
difficulty following through on plans that would put the event further behind you: moving to a new place, changing routines and hobbies, starting a new career, trying a new relationship, investing in a new community, finding a new group of people to care for, etc.;
difficulty showing a genuine and consistent interest in others because thoughts constantly return to what is hard about your life because of the event;
the event is one of the first things you talk about when meeting a new person or in social situations;
noticing that close friends or family who were previously caring and sympathetic now seem bored, short with you, or seem to change the subject when you talk about the event.

Self-help for excessive self pity. If some or all of these things have become true of you, you may want to try:

thoroughly writing out a description of the event, what it meant to you, how it has affected you, how you expect that it will continue to affect you, and what meaningful things you could expect the future to include despite the event (This can help to reassure you that you have thoroughly thought through the event and what it has meant to you, allowing your mind to begin to move on to other things);
every day, making a list of 20 things that you are grateful for about your current situation and state of life;
keeping a checklist/calendar where you note days in which you did not dwell on the event in thoughts and conversations, seeing if you can increase the number of these days as time goes on;
limiting mourning and self pity to a particular schedule-15 minutes a day, one hour per week, with a particular support group only, etc.
thinking through what things about the present and future feel most meaningful and setting a plan to increase the amount of time you devote to these things;
asking friends and family to help you stay on track with increasing meaningful present and future activities;
finding another person or cause to invest in and whenever your own pain comes to mind, finding a way to positively contribute to that person or cause.

Ways to help others stuck in self pity. If you suspect that someone in your life has become trapped in self pity to the point where they are missing out on good things they might experience, you may want to:

lovingly tell them that, while what they experienced was a legitimate hurt, continuing to dwell on it is robbing them of joy and that you would like to do what you can to help them invest in a more meaningful future, whether that involves helping them set goals or gently noting whenever they return to talk about past events, allowing them to change the subject;
assure them that their regrets and hurts are not the only or even the most interesting thing about them, that what is going on in their present and their hopes about the future are even more interesting to you;
expressing the need for them to ask you more questions about your life and show interest in your struggles more evenly, so there is more back and forth to the relationship;
telling them that you will begin to change the subject or shorten conversations about the past because you want to gently help them focus on new things and other people;
congratulating them on any new goals they set and follow through on.

If you or someone you know would like help with processing or moving on from grief or traumatic events, free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Would you rather be known or liked?

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:48:22 -0500

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where you are stating your views about something important to you and you'd really like the other person to stop being all polite or passive or something and just tell you what they really think? Then, you could finally buckle down and have a real conversation. You could really know each other and stop all the smoke and mirrors.

Or maybe you've been on the other end of that conversation. All you want is to have a pleasant interaction where both of you share a bit about what's going on with you and find out what you might have in common in the messy process of bumbling through life. But the other person always wants to debate things. Either you're not really sure what you think about the topic and you don't want to look stupid, or you know perfectly well what you think, but you're not a vigorous debater and would rather not be told you're wrong just because you're not loud. Either way, you'd rather just leave the topic alone and go back to what you have in common.

Chances are that you more often identify with one side of this conversation, though you've felt the frustrations of both sides from time to time. I certainly have. I think the hardest part of these different conversational goals and styles are the assumptions about the other person that get attached to these frustrations.

Debaters who thrive on animated exchange of contrasting ideas can feel like the people in their lives who minimize disagreement and mostly focus on commonalities are hiding from them. The debater is thinking: Why won't that other person just say what they think? Am I that scary to be with? Don't they care enough about me to take the risk of being real with me here? Is the truth behind their politeness so hideous they think I can't handle it? Where are they? I keep reaching out to engage and coming back empty and alone in this. How can I respect them if they won't stand up for what they think?

Meanwhile, folks who thrive on commonality and just being together, rather than engaging around disagreements, can feel attacked by debaters. The commonality lover is thinking: Why can't that person just accept me as I am? Can't they trust that I'm a reasonable, valid thinker even if I'm not always proclaiming my opinions? It's so stressful to not only have to figure out what I think and feel on the spot, but then to have to come up with all the reasons why I do and articulate it in a convincing way. If they cared about me, they would cut me some slack and acknowledge what is sensible and valuable about what I do contribute, rather than challenging me all the time as if they think they know everything and I'm some intellectual infant. Why are they always insisting I do things their way?

What makes me so sad about my own relationships and those I observe is that in many cases both people really do want to connect with each other in a way that feels good to both of them. The differences in their understanding of how to do so, though, lead to assumptions that the other person is more interested in controlling the interaction by asserting their agenda than in connecting in a meaningful way. While sometimes that assumption is actually true, often it is simply an ongoing misunderstanding.

The Known vs. the Liked

I heard a talk awhile back that shed some light on this process for me. The speaker was saying that all of us have a deep desire to fully known and to be fully loved (or at least liked). Along the way, we find that it is very difficult and rare for both of these desires to be met at the same time. Usually, we have to choose one over the other.

Those of us who have some early success at being liked or at keeping the peace by figuring out what parts of ourselves to hide in which situations tend to gradually develop relational patterns in which we sacrifice being known in order to be liked. We avoid contentious topics that are likely to bring up conflict. We may enjoy collaborative activities more than competitive ones, or stick to activities where the competition doesn't get personal. In conversation, we're more likely to share related stories from our lives or say things like, "I agree" or "Wow, that's cool" or "Way to go" rather than asking challenging questions or presenting experiences that run counter to what another has shared. What we most want from interactions is the overall feeling that we've got something in common and both of us are okay with each other just as we are today.

Those of us who tried everything we could to be liked or to keep the peace early on, only to fail repeatedly, may choose being known over being liked. If others won't like us whether we act like who we are or whether we try to be someone else, we might as well be known for who we are. So we're more likely to let others know straight up what we think and feel, inviting debate and engagement, rather than expecting commonality and smooth interactions. We're more likely to state an opinion strongly just to try it out to see how others react. After all, we can certainly change what we think if it proves wrong. Since we're trying to let others know us better according to what we're thinking now, not trying to secure their approval, an opinion change is no big deal. Competition feels perfectly fine to us. And our conversation is more likely to feature counter-examples, strongly stated facts, or phases like, "Actually, it's more like..." or "I disagree..." or "But what about..." What we want most in interactions is to feel like we fully stated what currently feels interesting or valid to us and, though solid engagement with another's differing views, further honed our understanding about what we think and feel.

As you can imagine, when two "Liked" people get together, they tend to have fairly satisfying exchanges, as do two "Known" people. But frustrations are sure to follow when Liked people interact with Known people, or, as often happens, marry each other.

AND: The Conjunction that Really Satisfies

What do we do about those people we love so dearly who are always frustrating our attempts to relate with them in a satisfying way? Probably a good place to start is to use the descriptions above to figure out what the other person is most likely to want from most interactions. Do they want to feel like you both were real about where you are coming from, whether or not you agree, or do they want to feel like you had a peaceful time together in which conflict did not make you fear that you have nothing in common? You'll probably want to think through what you typically want from your interactions as well.

Maybe the hardest part about moving toward a more satisfying relationship would be initiating a conversation with the other person in which you describe what you often want from your time together and give them the chance to say what they most often want as well. This may take several conversations because many of us don't really know what we want off the top of our heads. We may have to think about it for awhile.

If a few conversations about the ways in which you interact shape things up in short order, that's great! If not, you might want to try out the following discussion steps with a topic you often disagree on. This "Listen to Learn" exercise from Heitler and Hirsh's Win-Win Waltz Video can help both Known and Liked people to get more of what they want:

Person A: States an opinion about something.
Example: I love the snow. I hope it keeps snowing until May!

Person B: First states something about what Person A has said that B can agree with. Then, using "and" rather than "but," Person B adds their own differing opinion.
Example: Yeah, snow makes the world look so fresh and clean AND I am so tired of fighting the morning snow storm traffic.

Person A: First states something about Person B's differing opinion that A can agree with. Then, using "and" rather than "but," A adds their next differing opinion.
Example: Some drivers really do slow things down AND I like having more time to decompress and listen to the radio when my commute is longer. I feel like I have a little more "me" time before I have to return home to all the kids' needs.

Person B: First states something about what Person A has said that B can agree with and uses "and" to add a new differing opinion.
Example: It must feel nice to know you don't have to do anything but pay attention to the road for a little while AND when I have to drive in traffic, I feel like I have less energy for the kids because I am so frustrated when I get home.

The conversation can continue in this same pattern as long as you like, with the goal of having a discussion where Liked people get to hear that their friend can understand and accept parts of who they are and that there is a foundation of commonality and agreement there. Known people get to say what they really think, while providing the extra safety Liked people need to be able to come out from their shell and say what they really think and feel, rather than hiding for fear of having something vulnerable about them feel disliked and unaccepted.

While relational exercises-like new physical exercises-are usually clunky and awkward at first, practicing with them can begin new relational patterns that help people with different relational goals and styles to finally feel like the other person gets them and cares for them. The fact that another person with a different way of interacting in the world is willing to try something annoying, awkward, and new just because the relationship matters to them goes a long way. As both people see each other's effort over time, that helps to erode the negative assumptions that were built up through previous experiences of relational frustration. It becomes possible to trust that the other really does care for us, despite the very different approaches we have to relationship.

If you or someone you know would like help increasing relational satisfaction, free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

Obey Your DNA

Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:43:13 -0500

Recently, I have found the thought that I have both strengths and non-strengths by design and that I should major in my strengths to be rather freeing. Sounds like a pretty obvious revelation, huh? But it speaks to an old, wounded place in me: that feeling that I'm weird, that I just don't fit in, that not fitting in is a bad thing, and that I should get busy fixing it or at least doing a better job of faking it if I possibly can. Anyone else have that place in there, deep down?

This week, though, I've been dwelling on the idea that my design may be right on, while it's the "fitting in" place that is off. I suspect that I was made to derive joy and excel in certain things and not others. Period. Because I don't get to control the world, sometimes I'll have to do things I'm not great at and don't particularly like. I'll have to work with others who don't much appreciate my innate design. But that doesn't mean I've been made badly. It just means that to the extent that I can, I should tap into places that match my strengths and pour most of my energy into people who need what I've got to offer because this is what I do best. As Frederick Buechner says, my "vocation is where [my] greatest bliss encounters the world's deepest need."

I like the screening criteria this gives me. When someone asks me to do something, or I consider adding another career or activity on the side, I can check in to see if it taps into my deepest passions and my super skills, not my wimpy ones. Then I can decide whether it's a place I can hit the ground running-yee haw!-or if it's just a schedule filler I'm tempted to throw in for the illusion of importance that comes from busyness. It can be so freeing to say "no" with the confidence that comes from knowing that although I might want to do X to please someone, or I feel like I should be good at X, Y is what I was made to do, not X!

The Pressure to Be Who We're Not

It's kind of hard, though, to just be who I am and not who I'm not. I remember hearing all those messages growing up like "do what you love and the money will follow" or "follow your bliss" or "everyone has something unique to contribute." Looking around at the world, though, it sure felt like some things I could love would make more money than others. Some kinds of "bliss" got a lot more attention and understanding at parties or dates. Some "uniquenesses" felt a lot more acceptable to parents or coworkers.

As we explore who we are during various life transitions and then decide what to do now, the pressure from others and ourselves to "discover" that we are made to do something particularly auspicious, tangible, praiseworthy, money making-or even the family's favorite vocation-can be pretty intense. Sometimes it's so intense that it obscures what our personality, strengths, and passions actually are, even to us! It might be years, decades, or most of our lifetime before we have the courage to take a long, gentle, realistic look at ourselves, and then at the mold that was held up for us to fit into, and finally declare, "You know, that's really not me. I might feel like that's who I should be, but darn it, that's just not who I am!"

The Cost of Being What We Do

As long as we neglect to pop the hood on our identity, take a look inside, and accept what we find there for better or worse, we can't do what we actually are. So instead, we end up trying to be what we do. Because so much of what we do does not really fit who we are, we need more compensation. We need at least enough money or praise to make up for the fact that we spend our best waking hours on things that hate or just pretend to like, though they bring us so little real joy.

We also tend to need excessive amounts of other pleasurable things to make up for that hollow feeling that we are not meeting our potential: more food or alcohol than we need, extreme exercise, intense relationships, a packed schedule, tons of sex, super successful kids, "better than thou" stances toward others, exotic vacations, the latest gadgets, video game marathons...pick your favorite over-compensation strategy. Lack of identity-based satisfaction in what we do sets us up for a binge-and-purge cycle of long hours of drudgery followed by increasingly destructive addictions that compensate for the misery, while making us feel out of control.

When We Do What We Are

Figuring out who we actually are is hard in the short run. Not only does it take effort and time to examine our personality, passions, and skills through assessment tools or intentional conversations with those who know us well, it also takes courage to face up to what we find. Both the strengths and non-strengths we discover can be frightening. If we find ourselves particularly skilled, that may raise fears of arrogance or pressure to perform exceptionally well. If we find that we are not strong in areas that our family or culture values, that means that to live out who we are, we will have to say some pretty significant "no's" along the way.

But oh! the freedom of knowing our vocational DNA, our design! Of knowing it is fundamentally good and that if it doesn't feel good some place or with some people, it's the place or the people who are off, not our design. I mean, sure, as I psychotherapist I'm in the business of helping people correct their personal "off" places. But it's always to help them to become more of who they were really designed to be, not less! It's to help them discover and accept what is there, mourn the loss of who they are not, and rejoice in what is delightful about who they actually are.

What's Under Your Hood?

I ran across versions of this exercise in two separate books this week.* I like it because it cuts beneath questions like "What are you good at?" or "What do you want to be?" which are so laden with social pressure to answer in certain ways. Our joys can provide some really good clues as to what we are designed to do best.

Thinking through your life, list 10 events, activities, or projects that have brought you the greatest joy.

For each of the 10, list at least 5 specific things about them that made the experience joyful for you. For example, if you liked making a 5-course meal, maybe what you liked was: 1) The challenge of researching recipes, 2) The organization of scheduling the preparation, 3) Having a tangible result of your efforts, 4) Being able to work with your hands, 5) Feeling like the eaters felt truly cared for, 6) Being praised for your work.
Looking over your 50+ specific components (10 x 5), note any themes that appear in several or most of your joyful 10. Do creativity, problem solving, physical activity, teamwork, meeting others' basic needs, or other things appear throughout?
From these identified themes, which feel most "core" to you? Do you like to problem solve no matter what, but sometimes you do that in cooking, other times in management, and other times in your marriage so that the common element for all three enjoyable events is problem solving? Do you like to create beautiful things no matter what, but sometimes for homeless people, sometimes for holidays, and sometimes for your wardrobe?
Once you've identified which elements of your joys feel most "core" to you, take a look at your life: your job, relationships, hobbies, etc. Which of these tap into your core joys or your more peripheral joys? Which joys are missing in your current schedule? Do the places you spend the most time and the people with whom you interact most frequently tap into these joys?
Focus on one area that you would like to better align with the way you were designed-a job, a relationship, a hobby, etc. What is one thing that you could do in that area to increase the joy you derive from it?

I had a lot of fun and learned a lot by trying out this exercise this week. I hope you do, too!

If you or someone you know would like some help in discerning your vocation, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

*See Courage and Calling: Embracing Your God-Given Potential (1999) by Gordon T. Smith, and Performance Addition: The Dangerous New Syndrome and How to Stop It from Ruining Your Life (2004) by Arthur P. Ciaramicoli.

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

The Freedom of Self Doubt

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 18:06:47 -0500

Ever seen that bumper sticker that says: Don't believe everything you think? Or that quote: Don't take yourself too seriously; no one else does? I've been thinking about these quotes recently in light of some things I'm learning about the brain. On one hand, I'm amazed at the brain's ability to synthesize information and come up with assessments of situations that keep us alive and help us grow. As I work with hurting people and continue to mine the depths of my own thinking, though, I'm becoming more and more aware of ways in which our own minds fail to tell us the truth.

It seems like most people can critically evaluate messages that come from others. After all, we live in a world of advertising with fine-print at the bottom, Ponzi schemes, email spam that promises fortunes if we'll only hand over our bank info, and a growing line of significant others who hurt us or go back on their promises. In the school of hard knocks, we've learned how to ask penetrating questions about what we hear from other people and then to fall back on our own judgment for a final assessment about what we think is going on in a situation or inside of us.

Often, though, we do not ask the same penetrating questions of our own judgment that we ask of others'. We assume our thinking is solid and accurate because it feels that way to us. We are used to it, so it feels normal, which feels right. We often miss the fact that whatever thought patterns get repeated in our brains will eventually feel normal. That includes repeated inaccuracies in the ways we think about the world and ourselves.

How our brains lie to us

Repeated errors in the ways we think come from a variety of places. Genetically, some of us have areas of over- or under-activity in the brain that consistently fit a "lens" over our perception of experiences. These lenses incline us to view whatever we encounter in a particular, limited way. Abnormal activity in certain brain sectors produces an anxious lens where everything we encounter feels like a threat to avoid; or a muted lens, where nothing feels engaging or worth the effort; or an aggressive lens, where everything needs to be fought; or a depressive lens, where everything we encounter proves that we are worthless and that hope for change is foolish.*

Even if our brains start out genetically normal, past repeated or traumatic experiences can create thought pattern tendencies related to certain experiences. When we encounter a future experience that in any way reminds us of past ones, we're much more likely to think about the new experience as we did in the past, even if the situation is not exactly the same. With a thought pattern tendency in place, it's much harder to consider other possibilities or alternative points of view that would be valid in the present circumstance.

For example, say we once dated a musician with "brilliant prospects" and no day job. After she borrowed money from us and didn't pay for the umpteenth time, the following brain pattern solidified: musician = financial instability = feeling used = pain = never again. Then we meet another musician who happens to have good business sense. Despite the difference in her personality and savings account, it will be much harder for us to give her a chance because simply the word "musician" triggers the thought that ends in "pain" and "never again."

If we totally rely on our own thinking in this case, we'll never be able to give another musician a chance. Ourthought/feeling about musicians is not telling us the whole truth that some musicians, like some accountants, or grocers, etc. are bad with money and take advantage of people and some are good with money and take care of people. Our thinking here feels like absolute truth because it has been painfully ingrained, but it is not the whole truth. It is partly a lie.

What happens when we don't question our own lies

While bypassing the musicians in the dating pool might not be a big deal, other lies people tell themselves are a hugedeal. Here are some I have heard people tell themselves, just in the past few months:

My situation is absolutely hopeless; there is nothing I can do.
Anything bad that I do is part of who I am because I am a bad person; anything good I do doesn't count because it is just what anyone else would do.
I am not the type of person who other people could value; I'm the type they use.
The way I feel right now is the way I will always feel.
If I share my real self with others, they will take advantage of me.
I have to be upbeat all the time or I won't have any friends.
Since I don't earn as much money as my friends do, I am worthless.

Looking into another's thought patterns from the outside, it's not hard to see that these are half-truths, half-lies. Some situations are totally hopeless, but usually there is something that can be done, even if it's just a shift in perspective. If the bad things people do "count" as being part of their character, the good things should also count. Some people aren't trustworthy with others' real feelings, but other people are. Some people need their friends to be upbeat all the time; others want the whole range of emotions. Some people evaluate others on the amount of money they make, but not everyone; worth comes from a wide range of sources.

But can you imagine how difficult it would be to see the world from an accurate, balanced perspective if these lies are what the mind focuses on 24/7 without questioning? Can you imagine what behaviors might follow from leaving these lies unquestioned? If they were absolutely true, as we often believe our thoughts to be, it would make sense to stop trying to make things better; to isolate or commit suicide to rid the world of such a "bad" or "worthless" or "terminally sad" person; to never be real with or get support from others; to never demand that significant others treat us with respect. Horrible consequences can follow from taking ourselves too seriously and genuinely believing whatever we think because it feels normal and therefore right!

Freeing ourselves from our thoughts

Since we can't really trust ourselves or others, does that mean we're destined for ruin? Hardly. It just means we need to apply to ourselves the same degree of questioning and consideration of other sources that we do to others. If other people say they have a great deal for us, or that they think we are awful (if they happen to be our 15-year-old), we consider other sources. We ask around to see what other deals are out there. We consult with our spouses or friends to ask, "Am I really awful?" We do the work to get a more accurate, balanced picture.

The trick with ourselves, though, is deciding to believe the other sources, knowing that what feels normal to us about the deepest, most hidden parts of ourselves will not necessarily be the absolute truth. Sometimes others see us better than we see ourselves because of our biased genetic and experiential "lenses." Here's a way to start:

List the beliefs you have about yourself or the circumstances in your life that feel shameful, troublesome, or that make you feel stuck.
Among the list, note any that are extreme (implying all, never, ever, always, only, etc.) or that predict the future in ways you cannot absolutely prove.
For these extreme or future-predicting thoughts, write down what is probably a more balanced perspective that could be verified by other sources. For example, a more balanced perspective on "I have always been a bad person" would be "Sometimes I do things that I don't approve of." For a future-predicting belief like "I will never be a good student," a balanced, provable perspective would be "Right now, I feel unable to get the grades I'd like."
Show the people in your life who know you best and are most trustworthy all or part of your list. Ask them what they believe to be true about you in each of these areas. How would they argue with the beliefs you have about yourself and circumstances?
Whenever you notice your shameful or troublesome thoughts going through your mind, effortfully and consistently remind yourself what a balanced, accurate perspective would be and what other trusted people believe about you in these areas.
Doggedly keep doing this for a long time until it feels natural. Patterns that took years to create will take a long time to change. It takes consistent practice-usually 40 days or more-for something new to start feeling normal.
Begin to enjoy the freedom that comes from not believing everything you think!

If you or someone you know would like some help in changing destructive thought patterns, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

*See Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness (1999) by Daniel Amen.

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Mind Games for the Holidays

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 13:40:06 -0500

Since ‘tis the season for sending out cards with quotes on the front that really capture the holiday spirit, I nominate the following quote for this season's card. I think it really nails it.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair...*

I suppose it may be a bit cynical to attribute to the holidays what Dickens said of the French Revolution. But isn't this closer to our experience than something that captures only one side of the season's sentiment: Happy Holidays or Bah Humbug?

After all, it's the season where we look around with deep gratitude at our friends and family, or kinda wish they would go away. It's the season where we give graciously out of the bounty we've received and wonder if we can satisfy that coworker we don't like with something under $10. It's the season where couples sip eggnog in front of the fire and singles get to be the 3^rd wheel, the 5^th, the 7^th, sitting at the end of the table as a reminder that once again, they're not coupled. It's a magnifying glass season. Whatever happiness or sadness, joy or loss that has been lurking in the background comes into HD clarity, paving the way for celebration, despair, or resolutions for change on the other side.

Holidays: The Extreme Sport

How do we handle such confusion? There are lots of ways, many of them extreme. We might go all out, putting out 40 boxes of decorations and buying presents for every person whose name we know. Or we boycott the whole thing, avoiding parties, turning off the phone ringer, vacationing to places where no one knows we're exhausted or miserable. We drink too much. We stay so busy with work or helping others that there's no down time to feel hurt or disappointment. We write extended holiday letters informing the people in our lives about just how happy and perfect we are, carefully editing out the ugly breaks and failures that occurred along the way.

But like trite holiday cards, extreme coping strategies don't honor the full truth that this season is a mix of good and bad, just like so many other seasons of life. And whatever side of the emotional spectrum we've been avoiding-joy or heartache-keeps knocking at our door, asking us to let in whatever we are forbidding ourselves or numbing during this time.

So in answer to the mixed-up-edness of this season, this year I'm selling two Holiday Mind Games to help us through, one fold for the good stuff and one for the bad.

Expanding Our Joy Tolerance

Brain researchers have found that our brains dedicate increasingly greater energy and space (numbers of neurons and strength of neural connections) to whatever emotions we spend the most time on. Whatever feelings we focus on tend to grow and get more and more of our time and attention. That's why it's not a good idea to repeat or vent anger over and over-it just keeps getting bigger! On the positive side, this brain trick can give us a certain amount of power to increase our ability to feel good. By intentionally dwelling on whatever good does occur in our lives this season, even if this is our hardest holiday season yet, we can expand our current capacity to take in joy and stay in joy longer than we could if we simply let the sadness or frustration have all of our attention.

This season, by dedicating some time each day to listing those things that we are grateful for or that brought us joy that day, we can increase our attention to any good things that do come along and expand our ability to feel good more often. Plus, anyone can do it! See:

I'm grateful that I'm still breathing.
I'm glad I have one fewer day in prison.
I am glad my son who is overseas this holiday at least sent me a card.
The sunrise was beautiful this morning.
It only took me 5 minutes to find a parking place at the insane mall.
At least Aunt Maude only burned the potatoes this year, not the stuffing as well.

Shifting our attention daily to whatever is good, even in a hard situation, or to the sheer abundance of good in a great situation trains our minds to step back from negative thought ruts and make room for the good in the mix.

"Depression, I'll Be with You in a Minute!"

Now before you accuse me of going all "Pollyanna" on you with the Glad Game, let me also tell you about the Containment Game. This one's for sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, dread-all the yucky stuff.

Basically, these emotions are here for a reason. Their job is to tell us that something's not right. And until we stop and let them have their say, they're gonna keep stalking us till we do. If we keep busy or numb, always shutting them up, we are adding the fear of feeling the emotion to the intensity of the emotion itself. Fear is like Miracle Grow. It makes other negative emotions grow larger. So to get the emotions back down to their actual size, we need to appease them by really hearing the message they are sending, while not letting them take over the whole season and cut us off from any joy that comes our way.

We can do this by scheduling a limited time to really feel any emotions we've been dodging. Maybe 15 minutes once a day, one hour every other day, two hours once a week, or whatever works. During that time, we might journal about the feeling, lock ourselves in the bathroom and scream about it, call someone to talk about it, buy some cheap-o plates and drop them while thinking about it-whatever! How we choose to enter the feeling is not as important as the choice to really feel it.

Choosing to feel what we've been avoiding, but for a limited amount of time, lets us know that we can be in the feeling we've been avoiding and it won't suck us into The Eternal Vortex of Misery. Going in for awhile and then out again over and over gradually decreases our fear of the feeling so that it does not get to stalk us all of the time and take over all of our holiday experiences. It's like we're telling the part of our brain whose job it is to let us know we need to mourn or scream: "I hear that you're hurting and I will be mad and sad with you tomorrow from 9-9:30. But right now, I'm focusing on this good experience and the people I am with right now. It's okay. You can wait."

Disciplining our minds to express emotion and to contain it, or to attend to good things that we normally miss in our hurt or frustration is not easy! But neither are the holidays! These "mind games" are like time we spend doing pull ups in the gym so that when we fall out of the raft, we can pull ourselves back in and not drown. Even though setting aside time for these things is downright annoying, it can be the difference between an awful holiday season and an okay one, or an okay one and a great one.

If you or someone you know would like some help navigating the holidays or the new year, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

*Opening lines of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities (1859).

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

Spelunking the Ordinary

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:34:34 -0500

I'm in a funny place right now. The questions I'm asking life are changing again. For quite a few years, I was asking exploratory questions about who I am, what I want to do, who I want to be with, how I want to be in the world. When I found some answers for that season of life, my questions turned into active preparation questions about how I could do and be what I wanted. I remember that being an odd season. I was excited to narrow my options down to some things I could really sink my teeth into. But there was also loss. I had to grieve any number of things that I would not be doing, that would not be part of my story.

Now I find myself in another odd transition. I've shifted from the intensity of preparation to the smoother pace of implementation and maintenance of the goals that have mattered most to me. I'm finally doing it! I am so grateful to be doing work that I love and engaging in loving relationships that I've worked so hard for. But there's a part of me that misses the intensity of preparing for something, as opposed to just doing it. I miss the unique kind of meaning and adventure that comes from focused striving for a goal.

Looking around, I see other people dealing with this kind of feeling by making "bucket lists" of things they want to do before they kick the bucket, or at least before their next life transition: run a marathon, publish a book, see the Taj Mahal, get the kitchen remodeled, etc. But since I've only recently stopped preparing for major life goals, I'm still a bit tired of all the activity those kinds of goals require. I'm craving meaning, really, not more busyness or distraction. I want a different kind of adventure, of digging deeper not adding more.

The Extraordinary Underneath

Ever seen Planet Earth or Discovery Channel specials on deserts or caves? Isn't it amazing how during the day the desert can look absolutely barren and lifeless, but at night all kinds of little adaptive creatures emerge, magically finding water and shelter in places we'd never dream of looking? Or how about the caves? They're usually not all that amazing on the surface. Even the biggest ones get dark so quickly that you'd never know how deep they go or what extravagant formations and creatures they are hiding unless you get a bunch of equipment (and permits!) and take some serious time exploring their depths.

I am coming to believe that believe normal, ordinary life is a lot like caves and deserts. And I'd wager that people who face life threatening circumstances or a major loss would largely agree with me. You've probably seen these kinds of people in movies like The Doctor with William Hurt, Regarding Henry with Harrison Ford, or Last Holiday with Queen Latifah. Like many of us, these folks who face major loss start out as "tourists" of life, taking a superficial walk through life's scenery, assuming they've "been there done that," and quickly moving on to the next task, the next diversion. When they run out of "travel money or energy, they grow board and dissatisfied with where they've gotten stuck.

Then, along comes the threat that everything they've taken for granted could all go away. All the sudden they are asking deeper, different kinds of questions: With limited time or energy, what people and activities are really the most important to me? How do I want to change the way I treat those I love with the time I have left? What truths or apologies have I not passed on to those I love? What kind of legacy do I want to leave at my work? What beautiful things about every day will I miss? What kind of spiritual realities might I be encountering soon and how do I square up with those? These kinds of perspective questions turn casual sight seers into spelunkers who go deeper to find the richness right under their feet in circumstances they had assumed to be boring or short on meaning before.

Mining Meaning from the Here and Now

Because I am not up for adding a bunch of new activities or experiences right now, I'm wondering if I might find that sense of deep meaning that I crave by asking depth questions about my present circumstances. It seems like many people dodge these kinds of questions until they face a crisis or major transition like a bum knee, a cruddy economy, a demanding 2 year old, a 50^th birthday, relocation to assisted living, a terminal disease, etc. But I'm wondering if I could mine for meaning right where I'm at by asking these questions now, before I face something huge.

If, like me, you feel like there should be a deeper meaning to your life, or you're wondering about interesting possibilities in your current circumstances that you haven't explored, I wonder if you'd join me in choosing a life area that feels stagnant and trying out some of the questions below on that area. And by "trying out," I do mean trying out. In my experience, some of the deepest questions and sources of meaning seem trite on paper, but are powerful when lived!

Work

· If my current job were my dream job, how would I approach it differently?

· Is there one task in my current job that I could "own" and be personally proud of, even if no one else notices?

· Are there any coworker tasks I could help out with in ways that might establish more grateful and meaningful connections with people at work?

· Are there parts of my work that connect to my deepest values or the ways I want the world to be? Could I shift to engaging in more of these tasks?

· What's one thing I could do to take my "tried and true" skills to the next level?

Activities

· If I found out I had 4 months to live, which activities would I drop right away? If they are not all that meaningful to me, what is keeping me from dropping them now?

· What activities have I wanted to do, but haven't because I've been too afraid or too busy? Is there a way I could move closer to beginning them, even if I can't start right now?

Relationships

· If I found out I was going to die next Saturday, who would I want to call and what would I want to tell them? What part of that could I say now?

· What kinds of interactions have blocked connection in my significant relationships for some time now? What would happen if I directly pointed out that pattern to those I love and asked them to work on it with me?

· What kinds of things do I most love doing with those I love? How could I adjust my life to include more of these times together?

Spirituality

· What questions about the meaning of life, God, or the world do I keep putting off because they feel too painful or overwhelming? What would it look like to intentionally dive into one of these questions?

· What spiritual practice or activity have I been doing so long and so "religiously" that it no longer feels genuine or worthwhile? What is the purpose of that activity? What different or creative ways have others found of achieving that same purpose that I'd like to try?

· Who in my life can I have meaningful interactions with about my spirituality? Where might I find others who could share this with me? How might I intentionally pursue deeper spiritual discussions and companionship with others?

· What "clutter" activities in my life can I clear away to have time to explore spiritual questions and connections?

If you or someone you know would like some help finding meaning in current circumstances, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Six Questions that Will Change You

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 16:26:52 -0400

What have you been trying to change for just about ever? Nail biting? Binge drinking? Gossiping? Skin picking? Downing a liter of Dr. Pepper a day? Staying up too late? Whatever those habits are, minor annoyances or debilitating addictions, there are reasons we haven't been able to change them.

Using the following six questions to take a closer look at what keeps us from change can help in at least two ways. We might finally discover what's been in the way of our change so we can do something effective about it. Or, exploring what all would be involved in the change can help us to decide whether it's really worth the effort. If not, we can stop nagging ourselves about it and get on to other things. Either way, it's better than being stuck wanting change and not being able to get there.

1. What's wrong with my habit?

I'm the first to admit it. Change is difficult and uncomfortable even when it's positive and good! So if we're going to touch it even with a 10 ft. pole, there's got to be some pretty darned good reasons to do so. Often, people don't change because they've considered the reasons for change and not found them all that compelling. The change might make life a bit better, but not enough to make it worth the pain of changing!

Other times, there are lots of compelling reasons to change, but we just haven't taken the time to notice them all and add up what they would mean for us. In this case, the trick might be to make a list of the effects that our unwanted habit has on our lives and the lives of those we care about, both currently and in the future. We might need to ask those who are important to us how our habit affects them. Only then will we have enough information about the effects of the change to decide whether it's worth all the bother.

2. What do I really care about?

Now, say we have a list of the negative effects of our habit on ourselves and others a mile long. But none of the effects really tap into something we care about. In that case, the change might just not be worth it for us. Sure, the experts say that marijuana causes lung cancer, paranoia, decrease in brain function, birth defects, yada, yada, yada. But if what we care most about right now is getting a small break from painful circumstances by feeling something different, let's face it, none of the medical reasons to quit smoking pot are going to feel that compelling.

So if we're feeling like we really do want to change, but just can't get the uumph to do it, we might need to find a way to tie the reasons to change to something we really care about. For example, I recently changed my bad habit of not drinking enough water. For years I'd been told about the benefits of drinking water and I simply ignored all the expert advice. But when I started feeling tired a lot of the time, that cut into my ability to be productive and present with people who are important to me-two things I care about very much. Suddenly, I was motivated to drink water because it tapped into things that mattered to me. So the key here is to find ways to link the change to something that really matters to us right now, or to something in the future that we can still care about right now.

3. How do I stay motivated?

So we've inventoried the effects of our habit on us and others and we've tied them to things that really matter to us. Right now, we feel really motivated to change. It feels worth the effort. But those of us who have failed to change in the past have probably noticed that this feeling of being motivated that sets us on the road to change can be pretty short lived. Meanwhile, changing habits is a long process! Yes, I've known some people who somehow find sustained internal motivation to make huge, long-term changes on their own. But most of us need some help! We need 1) other people who care about us to 2) know about the change we are trying to make and then 3) hold some of our motivation for us. Then, when our personal well of motivation runs dry, they can encourage us and remind us about why we want to change, handing some of our motivation back to us when we run out.

So who could we tell about the change we are making? Friends? Family? A counselor? A support or AA group? A spiritual director? What specific things could we ask them to do to support our change process? Regular encouraging check-ins? Being there for us to call when we are about to return to our habit? Doing activities with us that help us avoid our unwanted habits? The more supporters we've got and the more specifically we can ask for help with our change, the better our chances of sustaining the motivation we need to stick with it.

4. How does my habit work?

Once we've got motivation and support, we need to develop a really clear understanding of how our unwanted habit works. Behavior researchers talk about the fact that we don't continue to do a behavior unless there is some reward to it, no matter how weird or subtle the reward might be. So to stop a habit, we need to figure out how it has been rewarding us so that we can find other ways to get an equivalent reward.

We might start by looking at the last 3-5 times we engaged in our habit. What was the situation? What were we feeling when we decided to do the habit? How did we feel while we were doing it? How about after it was over? What were the pleasant, rewarding things we experienced along the way? What locations, situations, feelings, or people remind us of our habit and make us want to experience the rewards that it brings? Talking with supporters can be a great way to increase understanding of how our habits work. They may be able to see things we don't because we are so used to our habits that it is hard to see them clearly.

5. What can I do instead?

After researching our habit, learning what it does for us, and identifying the situations that set us up to repeat it, we're now equipped to find alternative ways of receiving the rewards that we used to get from our habits. If smoking used to give us a break when we were about to engage in a difficult work task, maybe now we can let ourselves take non-smoking breaks whenever we have a craving. If gossiping makes us feel important because we always have something to share, maybe we can still share good news about others while also subscribing to current events resources that give us interesting, but less damaging things to share. If cutting lets us feel sufficiently punished to buy us a little relief from the fear that someone else will punish us in ways we can't control, maybe snapping our wrists with a rubber band, holding an ice cube, or running up a steep hill could do the same kind of thing without the scars and guilt.

In addition to alternative rewards, we'll also need ways to avoid those situations that make it almost impossible not to return to our habit. Skin pickers might use the night light in the bathroom rather than the overhead light so it's harder to see the blemishes they'd be tempted to scratch or squeeze. Cola addicts might avoid the carbonated drink aisle at the store or only shop after drinking 32oz of something healthy, but flavorful. The more ways we have of re-routing ourselves from situations that would return us to our habit, the better chance we'll have of forming new habits that solidify our changes. Then, we can keep using our support systems to help us keep going with these alternatives until they become second nature to us and the old habit is mostly a thing of the past.

6. How do I recover from failure?

Now even those of us who've done it all-we're super motivated, have great support, have a clear understanding of how our habits work, and have a long and vetted list of alternative rewards and habits-can still sometimes fall into old habits. We run into our drug dealer at the DMV, of all places, on a day when we haven't slept, we've lost our job, and just discovered that the basement's flooded. We're feeling like a failure already and suddenly we find ourselves wanting to fail if only to prove how valid our "I'm a failure" feeling is. That day, after months or years of success, the drugs get the better of us.

The key here is to remind ourselves even before a failure happens that failure is a key part of the change process, specifically, the quality assurance part. Failure provides us valuable information about the weak spots in our change plan that we can use to create new areas of strength. From the drug example above, we could learn that we need an alternative habit for times when we want to feel destructive, but don't actually want to destroy everything that's important to us: maybe playing a video game we are horrible at, buying some cheap plates to smash, or eating food that tastes awful. Failure simply says, "Here's an area in need of a new alternative or a stronger reward."

The important thing is to see failure as part of the change process, not the end of it. If we believe that it's the end, we are likely to make it so, throwing all our progress out the window and abandoning ourselves and our loved ones to our nasty habit. When we see failure as information that informs the overall change process, then it's not so difficult to return to the change questions, reminding ourselves of the negative effects of our habit and what we really care about so that we can jump start ourselves back onto the road to change. Staying engaged with the change, not arriving at "perfection," is the key to long term transformation.

If you've been trying to change for awhile and are having a hard time, chances are that you need to explore one or more of these six questions a bit more fully. Please know that you are not alone in this. Wrestling with these aspects of change is a big part of being human! If you or someone you know would like some help navigating through these change questions, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

The Happiness of Pursuit

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:48:42 -0400

Have you ever noticed that when you are in the process of pursuing a goal-whether it's retirement, a career transition, buying your dream house, or even watching your home team win the Superbowl-you imagine that, on average, you will be happier once you have reached your goal? Right after you reach your goal, of course you're happy! You did it! But not too long after, you notice amidst the day to day grind that your happiness, on average, has not increased quite as much as you expected. Has that ever happened to you?

Recently, I was listening to Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert present some of his research findings about happiness.* He pointed out that when we imagine how our life will be after we reach a goal, our imagination is a bit too efficient. It only focuses on the particular aspect of life that we expect to change, not on all the other parts of life that will stay the same or even become more difficult after that goal has been reached. While we're scrimping by each month to pay off the credit card, we imagine the relief we'll experience once we've paid it off-the movies we will watch, the restaurants we will go to, the golf we will play. We're not imagining that, regardless of whether our debt is paid down, we'll still be getting up too early to go to a job that we're not totally excited about, the neighbor kid will still be blasting hip hop music at 2 AM, etc.

Since we forget to include all the annoyances of real life in our goal achievement fantasies, when we arrive in post goal achievement land, we don't simply experience an increase in happiness as expected, we also face several losses:

1) The disappointment that improvement in one area of life didn't solve all the other areas;

2) The end of the happiness that came from our pre-goal expectation that we would be consistently happier once we achieved our goal, since positive expectation about the future adds to present happiness and now that's done;

3) The reminder that no matter what goals we attain, we can't quite get our circumstances to admit us into that place of sustained peace and permanently increased joy that we suspect must exist, though we can never quite make it there.

Who knew that attaining a major life goal could be so disappointing!?

Three Mind Shifts for Increasing Post-Goal and Post-Event Happiness

Since I know you are savvy folks, I bet you're already thinking ahead to at least one fix for this problem, right? Stopping to...

1) Imagine the Details

When we imagine how post-goal life will be, we need to take the time to fill in some of the nitty-gritty details so that our expectation more closely matches the reality. We can do this for any positive expectation we have about the future or an event that we're anticipating, whether it's holidays, vacations, retirement, marriage, the new Batman movie, etc. If reality turns out to be better than expected, with a lesser concentration of the ever-present annoyances of life, we'll be happily surprised. If not, the expectation hangover following the excitement of the event won't be quite so painful-after all, some of it was expected!

For example, say we're excited about shuffling the moody teen off to college and having some time to do all those things we've been putting off for 18 years. Once we realize we've got an expectation about what that time will be like, that would be our clue to ask ourselves what logistics and frustrations will still remain or even increase once Johnny is well into freshman year. Will completing those put-off projects stress us out? What will it be like to talk to our spouse now, without the logistics, consequences, and driving schedules we talked about when Johnny was home? Will we have to do some relationship maintenance that we've put off in favor of caring for the kids? How will it feel to not be needed quite so often? What friends will we have time to reconnect with? Will we need to make new ones?

Realizing we have an expectation about the future and then taking time to flesh out more of the details around it gives us a better idea about what to expect so we're not taken by surprise by things that don't change or that get worse once our goal is completed.

2) Always have a goal

Maintaining and working toward a variety of short and long-term goals contributes to present happiness, sometimes even more than goal completion. The process of working towards something makes us feels meaningful and valuable. Our imaginations are entertained by the possibilities that could come from the positive changes we are making, giving us some temporary distraction relief from current difficult circumstances. Even if we imagine in the details and ongoing annoyances to keep our expectations reasonable, we still get to hope for a positive future. Goals keep us active, which gives us more endorphins: the non-prescription antidepressant.

Retirement researchers talk about how people who, years in advance of retirement, begin setting goals for what they will do in retirement find themselves happier and more fulfilled once they retire than those who just figure out what to do after they have retired. Already having goals in the midst of that major transition helps to protect people against the loss of meaning and connection that often emerge as soon as the excitement of not having to go to work wears off.

People who continually set and work toward short and long-term goals know how to milk positive future expectation for all the happiness it's worth.

3) Arrive Either Now or Never

Many of us live with the conscious or unconscious belief that if we can only work hard enough or be lucky enough to attain the perfect combination of career achievement, relational need meeting, personal maturity, financial contentment, spiritual growth, meaningful life contribution, and __you fill in the blank__, that we could finally "arrive" at a state of permanently elevated contentment, peace, and joy. According to this logic, if we haven't "arrived" yet, it's simply because we have a deficit in one or more of the key areas of contentment and we need to work harder to overcome it. If we achieve a goal in one of these areas and still don't feel that we have "arrived," we're missing something and need to find out what it is.

The problem is that as we get older, if we've been lucky enough to achieve at least some of our goals, then we've a growing list of things we've tried that haven't made us "arrive." We've had some good times along the way, but it's never stuck. It's always been temporary. If we're very wealthy or very famous (a curse I have not had to face) we may start running low on options for things to try that would finally push us over the tipping point to the land of permanent "arrival." At some point, we may begin to suspect that "arriving" just isn't going to happen for us. And what would that mean? Have we missed the boat? Wasted our lives? Been failures? Been part of the "unlucky" group? None of these are very happiness-enhancing conclusions.

But what if there is no such thing as permanent "arrival"? What if, as C.S. Lewis says, in The Problem of Pain, life "refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home"? If we stopped expecting goal attainment to do something permanent to us, we'd be less disappointed when that didn't happen. But more importantly, freed from our imprisonment to expectations of what the future should do for us, we'd be more free to notice the temporary joy and contentment that come our way on a day to day basis.

If we changed our beliefs about arrival and decided either 1) that our feelings will never allow us to remain in an elevated state-that the feeling of arrival will never permanently remain-or 2) that we have arrived in life simply by being born and our time to be in "permanent arrival" is now, both of those belief changes would free us to pay closer attention to the temporary feelings of joy and contentment that occur in the present moment, without that happiness being stolen by the fact that we know we won't always feel that way. If we don't expect permanent joy before we die, we may be freer to experience temporary joy.

Now I'll be the first to admit that juggling these three mind shifts is not easy. It's a challenge to have positive goals and expectations for the future, but keep them within the range of what is possible amidst the annoyances of life so we're not guaranteeing disappointment. It's hard to enjoy the present without not trying to force that joy to be permanent. It takes skill to look forward to future changes while knowing they won't change everything. But I think these ways of looking at the future fit reality. So I think they're worth it. They open us up to experience more real, present joy and realistic hope, without the repeated crashes of imagining fantasy states of being that this plane of reality just can't sustain.

If you or others you know repeatedly struggle with the disappointment of failed expectations, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

*Listen to Daniel Gilbert's lecture online at http://www.aifestival.org/audio-video-library.php?menu=3&title=552&action=full_info

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

High Stakes Mind Reading

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:03:05 -0400

Ever gone out of your way to do something special for somebody-spent a ton of time on a gift, cleaned the house extensively, went to thirteen stores to find the brand you know they like-and have them totally not notice? You want to tell them all that you did, but you'd feel like a schmuck having to spell it out for them, certainly not the thoughtful, selfless person you had hoped they would have thought you were.

Ever felt like if people really loved you, they would be able to figure out what you want and just do it? You could ask them, of course, but that would feel like a little death inside, the end of a dream that someone could really get you and love you the way you've longed for.

Ever surprised someone with something you really thought they'd like, only to have them tell you soon afterwards that what they really wanted was something else? You tried to show them you knew them well and instead, they're giving you the cocked-head look, going, "Don't you know me at all?"

The Rules of the Game

If you've had at least a few experiences along these lines, chances are that you're drawn to relational gambling, particularly the game of High Stakes Mind Reading. The rules to this two-player game are pretty simple. You and another person in at least semi-intimate relationship unconsciously agree to compete against chance to guess what the other one wants and needs. If you guess correctly what the other person needs without being told, you win "Approval" chips and your partner wins "Must Really Be Loved" chips.

If at least one of you gathers enough points for guessing correctly, as a couple, you WIN BIG, achieving "Rescuing Hero" and "Intuitively Known and Loved" status. There's nothing like it! But if either of you have to ask the other what he or she wants or tell them what you want, you lose points. Eventually, you risk dropping to "Failure to Perform as Expected" and "Hopelessly Alone and Misunderstood" status.

Now the odds are about 50-50, going down during times of life transition like the arrival of kids or mid-life crises and up a bit when you've known someone for forty years or more. Of course, there are ways of approaching relationship that have much more winning odds. For example, playing the win-win un-game of "Directly Asking for What You Want and Need" would guarantee that both of you would get what you want and need much more often with much less conflict.

The Recipe for Addiction

So then why is this Mind Reading game so addicting? There's a few reasons, actually. For starters, it reminds us of infancy. Infancy was the one period of our lives where we were incapable of stating exactly what we needed, but the needs we felt were so few in number that mom or mom equivalent could do a pretty job of guessing what they were and taking care of them effectively. In that state, if our needs weren't getting met, we just needed to be louder and more annoying and-presto!-our needs got met. That state of passively having our needs and wants met is so pleasant that there's not much in this world that can make us feel as deeply known and loved as a situation that feels like a repeat of that infant state where someone just "knows" us and meets our needs without our having to ask.

Plus, having someone guess our needs protects us from one of our greatest fears: the fear that deep down, those closest to us don't really love us because we are fundamentally unlovable. If we don't have to specifically ask the people we love most for what we need, we won't ever be flatly refused in a way that would make us feel like we aren't actually loved at all. For many of us, this fear of being refused and therefore unloved is so significant that we'd rather have our needs go unmet than discover that the other person could know about our needs and then refuse to meet them. Just hoping that the other will magically read our minds feels a lot safer.

Thirdly, when we are the guesser and we guess correctly, the other person's enthusiastic response can make us feel so powerful, wise, and loving that for a moment, we feel heroic and superhuman. It's a great feeling. Besides, because we anticipated the person's need and decided to do it before they asked, we didn't actually have to do the hard work of hearing about a need that we didn't really want to do and then doing it anyway because we are committed to and love the other person. Seeing a need, deciding of our own free will to meet it, and then getting praised for it is so much more fun than the grunt work of lovingly responding to a request we're not fond of.

When Guessing Doesn't Pay

When it works, Mind Reading is so rewarding that it is no wonder we are drawn to it. And really, the only reason to quit would be that, as with any kind of gambling, sooner or later it doesn't pay. Adult needs are a lot more complicated than infant needs. Our loved ones aren't going to guess our needs correctly a lot of the time because they didn't grow up in exactly the same environment that we did. That means if we're scared to ask for what we need, our needs are going to go unmet for longer and longer periods.

Over time, we'll likely start fussing and throwing tantrums rather than stating our needs because, hey, that's how it worked with mom! Why shouldn't significant others respond in the same way? Meanwhile, our loved ones are doing the same to us and we are living together in passive-aggressive tantrum city.

Mind Readers Anonymous: A Five-Step Need-Meeting Program

For those of us who are tired of Mind Reading that promises heroism and delivers tantrums, what would it look like to play a lower-stakes, better odds game with a lot more payoff? It would probably start with the five-step program of Mind Readers Anonymous:

Step One: Admit that there is just no way we can read our loved ones' minds all the time, but that we love them enough to do our best to rise to the occasion if they will only state their needs and wants to us obviously and often.

Step Two: Admit that the fact that another person cannot figure out what we are thinking does not mean that they don't love us. It just means that they are not our mom and our needs have gotten more complicated since infancy. If, over time, they continue to do what they can to meet the needs we tell them about (with reasonable tolerance for fluctuations in moods, seasons of life, etc.) that means they love us. Period. None of this ESP stuff.

Step Three: Get more familiar with what it is that you and your partner really need and want. You might start by each making a specific, measurable list of the things you need on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis to feel loved in your relationship, plus a list of surprises you'd like your partner to do for you sporadically so it feels like they love you "spontaneously" and can "read your mind." Share your lists with your loved ones as loving requests for closer relationship, not angry, change-now-or-else demands. (For a step-by-step instructions on this, as well as more extensive explanation of what it requires to make this shift, see Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, 2008, 20th Anniversary Edition).

Step Four: Agree to do what you can to meet the needs your loved ones shared, with sporadic surprises exactly as they asked you. Over time, this reinforces direct requests and assures you that you are indeed loved and that your needs will not be ignored.

Step Five: As you and your loved ones transition into this new way of loving and receiving love, resist the temptation return to Mind Reading "heroics" or to prod your partner back into guessing your needs by throwing passive tantrums instead of restating your needs to them. Trying to be direct about your needs while also Mind Reading will exhaust you! Instead, keep telling yourself and your loved ones that love works best when the those who have a need take responsibility for making it clearly known and those hearing the request do their best to meet the need or to assure loved ones that they are loved, even if their stated need cannot be met in that moment in the way that they would like.

I recognize that this is hard, hard work. It requires A LOT of change. But, boy is it worth it! And if you can swing it, it's not like gambling. It REALLY pays off. If you or others you know encounter difficulty making these changes, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Living with Fear

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:19:43 -0400

I confess. Recently, I've been a little scared most of the time. Some days I can hardly feel it, but often it's there, lurking in the background. It makes me want to avoid returning phone calls even to people I really like, avoid marketing a business I deeply believe in and am excited about, avoid to-do list items that require any self-stretching, and avoid the deep stillness of good rest that calls me to feel my fear instead of hiding from it.

I suppose this wouldn't seem so weird if I were in a war zone, avoiding bullets left and right. But circumstantially, I'm in a really good season of life right now. It's just that I'm transitioning from some good, familiar things to better, unfamiliar things in several areas of life. And I don't like change, even good change. It's unfamiliar and it makes me feel out of control. I really like the illusion of control and when I can't maintain it, I feel ongoing low-level fear.

I've been wondering recently what would happen if I listened to my fear and avoided everything that made me nervous. I'd leave the job I love to do something predictable that required no marketing. I'd leave my closest relationships because those require a ton of risk. I'd sell my house and car because one never knows when they could break down and be very expensive. I'd never travel or adventure outdoors because that's how everyone gets Swine Flu and torn ACLs. And I'd stay constantly busy with menial work or idiotic Facebook quizzes so that I would never have to encounter the feelings that arise when I start to rest and relax. Talk about a life to be afraid of-I'd be a walking dead woman!

What's the Point of Fear?

Let's admit it. Fear is great for keeping us away from burning buildings and psycho killers. But if we let it sing solo in our lives, without the chorus of inner voices like logic, drive, and longing and the outer voices of wise people who can speak into our lives, we'll soon be singing the Zombie Jamboree. Really, all fear should be allowed to do is to tell us to stop our headlong rush toward something unfamiliar and think about whether it is beneficial. Once we've thought about it and decided that, all things considered, it's good to go forward, fear needs to be put in its place, not allowed to run the show.

But that's easier said than done, isn't it? In previous newsletters, I've talked about the fact that we've got three brains. Of the three, the Reptilian Brain-the one that houses the functions that we share with reptiles-only knows four things: fight, flight, freeze, or feeling fine. No doubt you noticed that three out of the four are responses to fear. The Reptilian Brain is such a specialist in fear that it is allowed to directly control our body's fear responses without asking the permission of the delayed, deliberating logical mind. This lets us be poised to fight, flee, or freeze at any moment.

The problem is that when our Reptilian Brains are pumping adrenaline into our bodies and tensing our muscles for the fight, it's almost impossible to get our New-Cortex, our logical thinking brain, to stop having anxious thoughts. All we want to do when the Reptilian Brain is screaming "be afraid" is to attack, escape, or tensely do absolutely nothing to make the threat go away. So our logical thinking brain comes up with all kinds of thoughts related to attacking, escaping, or freezing to reflect the state of our bodies because it's weird to think calm thoughts while the body is ready to rumble. The logical brain's anxious thoughts, responding to the body, then confirm to the Reptilian Brain that we are in fact in danger. This is because, dummy that it is, the Reptilian Brain can't tell the difference between actually being in danger and just thinking about it. So it stays activated and keeps pumping adrenaline, even when nothing is actually threatening our lives, so we just can't relax. It's a vicious cycle.

Chilling Out Fear: The Quick Fix

To shut up this residual, non-helpful fear, we need to use our logical minds to force our bodies to be calm. This is the trick to getting our Reptilian brains to move from "engage" to "at ease, soldier." There are lots of ways to do this, but perhaps the quickest (and least obvious in a public setting) is to make ourselves sit in a comfortable, relaxed position and then gradually inhale and exhale more and more slowly and steadily until we're breathing in on a count of 7 and breathing out on a count of 7. When we make ourselves breathe this slowly at least several times in a row, our Reptilian Brain thinks, "Dude, it's almost like I'm sleeping. Guess I can chill." Then our logical thinking brain can get the break it needs to change its churning thoughts. It becomes possible for us to choose to listen to voices other than fear.

I know, this sounds silly and weird. But folks who practice it once a day and as needed during particularly anxious seasons report amazing results. It takes living with fear down from paralyzing to tolerable until the brain can finally navigate through the anxious season of change and learn that the new, changed environment is not life-threatening.

Now let me reiterate. I'm not saying that we should short circuit all of fears' messages and that our first response to nervousness should be to practice slow breathing to make it go away. First, we need to listen to fear's message. Is it telling us that the realtor is giving us a bad deal or that being a homeowner is simply a new, unfamiliar role? Is our fear of commitment telling us that our dates belong in a psych ward or that real love always involves risk? Is our fear of quitting a boring job telling us that it's not good to be out of work with $100k in credit card debt, or that we'll need more assurance that others will support us as we try something new?

Once we've brought in the other voices of logic, our desires, and our intimate community, we can figure out what the fear message is. Then, if fighting, fleeing, or freezing is not the appropriate response, we can practice intentional breathing and relaxation to chill out the fear until the dust settles and our Reptilian Brain returns to "at ease" long-term.

If you or someone you know would like some help working through lingering fear, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

In Praise of Failure

Mon, 04 May 2009 13:06:43 -0400

Pop quiz: What two things do these statements have in common?

1. If I can get enough time free for an intense work out today, then I'll hit the gym.

2. I'm not asking out that hottie in my chemistry class unless she shows interest in me first.

3. Once I've taken golf lessons and am good at it, then I'll play with my colleagues.

4. I'll lead that group study only if I can find the time to plan all 12 lessons out in advance.

5. I'll quit my job and be a photographer as soon as I know that I've achieved financial security.

You got it! If we pop the hood of these things that run through our minds some of the time or even a lot of the time, we find 1) a fear of failure and 2) an all or nothing approach to trying new or difficult things. The mantra of this kind of thinking is: "I won't do it unless I'm sure I can do it well."

What's Wrong with Only Doing Things Well?

Now you're probably thinking that I'm going to tell you that the fear of failure and all or nothing thinking are bad and we shouldn't do them, right? But let's be honest here. As with just about every way that we choose to approach life, there are good and bad things about this kind of thinking. Making sure that we can do things well before we start means we're less likely to look stupid or be caught unprepared. People can't laugh at us or think badly of us if we just do what we know we're good at. And by people, I mean ourselves, too! We give our inner critics less to mock us for if we only do what we can do well. That's no small thing.

The down side, of course, is that we try fewer things. Refusing to be novices, we're not as likely to discover things we'd really enjoy or would eventually be really good at if we'd only press through the beginning failures and stick with them long enough. We're not likely to learn that we can survive and even learn from failure, or that we don't have to fear failure it as much as we do now, because we haven't had enough experience with it to learn that. Also, we're not as likely to change those hurtful habits we've picked up along the way, because at least now, when we've not really put our whole effort into changing, we can say we didn't fail because we never really tried. So we don't really try and we also don't really change.

The saddest thing about the "I won't do it unless I'm sure I can do it well" approach is that as we develop a habit of pulling back from risk and opportunity because of our fear of not doing things well, we may wake up to find ourselves living boring, wasted, hurtful lives. We buy short term "safe" success at the cost of long term failure to really live.

So Do it Poorly

This is where my favorite quote comes in. G.K. Chesterton once said, "Everything worth doing is worth doing poorly." I know, that sounds awful, doesn't it? Like I must have quoted it wrong? But what he's getting at is that if something is worth doing, and we don't have the time, skill, confidence, or energy we need to do it really well, we might as well go ahead and do it poorly, since it's still worth doing.

It's the worth doing that is key here. Of course I'm not recommending that we all go out and try to fail or do a half-hearted job at everything we do. If you're already great at something, by all means do it well! This approach is strictly for those things that we're not great at, but are worth doing despite the possibility of shoddy success or even failure.

So what would that be like? Returning to our previous examples, it might sound like:

1. I've only got 45 minutes left to work out today, but that's still better than nothing. I'll do what I can now and get a better work out in tomorrow.

2. I don't think I'll ever be sure whether that chemistry class hottie will say yes to me. If I don't ask her out, though, I'll always wonder what would have happened if I had. I might as well do it. If she turns me down, that will suck, but I'll probably live.

3. I want to play golf with my colleagues and I know I'm not going to have time to do lessons before. I'll just go with them, tell them I'm a newbie, and we can laugh at my game together.

4. There will be some weeks that I won't be able to prepare for the group study until the day before. I guess I'll just ask the group to bring in some of their own questions and ideas on weeks that I know I can't be on my A-game.

5. I've always wanted to see if I could make money at photography. Even though I don't feel ready to quit my job right now, maybe I can cut down my hours and start using that time to learn about selling my photos.

You'll notice that all the statements now have two new things in common. Each thinker knows the value of the opportunity-staying in shape, the possibility of romance, recreation with colleagues, learning leadership, transitioning to a fulfilling career-and lets that value override the fear of failure. Each thinker is also willing to tolerate half-way effort-doing it "poorly"-at least long enough to try it out. Even if these folks come to the end of their lives without ever being great at these things, they will still have the consolation of saying, "I tried things that were important to me. I did what I could. I may not be great, but I'm not a coward."

When we redefine failure as "not trying important things" rather than "not succeeding at important things," we can set ourselves free to live adventurously. Of course our inner critics and those who are not secure enough to be really "for us" will tell us that we aren't doing things well. But as we keep reminding ourselves "At least I'm doing them!" we can gradually develop calluses to protect us from those voices that would chain us to a safe, boring, strictly "successful" life.

If that weren't reason enough to give this approach a try, another exciting byproduct of doing things that we can't do well all by ourselves is that it generates opportunities for other people or God to come through for us and fill in the gaps we couldn't cover. The only way we can really know that we are not fundamentally alone-that at the end of the day others really will be there for us-is by being willing to encounter things that we will not succeed at unless others come through for us. When we do this and others come through, that's when we finally know we can trust them. And it's that kind of trust, that heart knowing that others have "got our back," that gives us the courage to try more and more worthwhile things, leading to a full, adventurous life.

Six Steps Toward Redefining Failure

To begin moving from a safe, constraining, "I won't do it unless I'm sure I can do it well" approach to life to the "I'm doing it poorly, but at least I'm doing it" approach:

1. Take some time to yourself to review journals or thoughts that remind you of life dreams you once entertained or activities you once wanted to try.

2. For each one, ask yourself if that dream or activity is still worth doing. If you got to the end of your life and never did it, would you be disappointed?

3. For those things that you'd be disappointed if you didn't do, ask yourself what's the worst that could happen if you tried them and didn't do them well or even spectacularly failed at them? Could you and your loved ones live through that? What good might come to you from the process of trying and failing, even if you didn't eventually succeed?

4. Now ask yourself what it would look like to do at least some of each dream or activity, even if you couldn't do it to the extent you'd like or with the full skill, time, energy, or competency you'd like.

5. What steps could you take today toward doing a bit of each dream or activity that is still worth doing, whether you succeed or not?

6. See if you can try a few small, half-steps toward your most important dreams and activities, sticking with those small steps through the first several failures-long enough to know you've faced your fear and given them a fair try.

Whether you excel at your dreams, or simply overcome your fear of failure through repeated exposure to it, I wish you all the best in your courageous pursuit of living life to the full!

If you or someone you know would like some help working through fears about failure, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Good Desire Runs Deep

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:41:19 -0500

Recently, I heard David Campbell's motivational quote: "Discipline is remembering what you want." At first, the driven part of me found it pretty compelling. I mean, if all it takes to have discipline is keeping in mind what you want, then all I would need to fix those nagging areas of lackluster self control would be a few more sticky notes or an engraved bracelet, right?

But then it dawned on me. Maybe the discipline here-the part that is difficult and requires the most effort-is not so much the "remembering" part as the "what you want" part. Depending on the situation we're in, the question "What do you want?" can be downright terrifying.

Desire: The Door to Disaster?

I mean, let's say you've been fighting with your spouse for 10 years. When your best friend asks you what you want, the first whispered thought that comes to mind is, "I want a divorce." Now if you let that thought move from the back of your mind to the forefront or even said it out loud, would that mean you would have to get a divorce? Would that mean you were a quitter? A bad person? A failure? Selfish? What would that do to your finances, your reputation, your emotions, your kids, your future? Would you still want that 5 years from now? The consequences and effort that might flow from simply allowing yourself to admit your desire for divorce could be enormous.

Or say you are a brilliant brain surgeon who has gone through five million years of school to do what you do. You are renowned by your colleagues, you make plenty of money, and you feel like your life must count for something if you are saving lives every day. When the interviewer from The Post asks you what you want, though, what flashes across your mind is, "To not be on call. To rest. To be free to make mistakes. To be average." If you admitted that, would that mean all those good things people say about you are not true? That you're soft? Unprofessional? Would that mean you'd have to quit? Or do even more school to find something you can do without burnout? Yikes! Better not to have wants at all!

Becoming Curious about Desire

Both of these examples illustrate the truth of the discipline quote: admitting a want is a call to action, a motivating force. Our tendency, though, is to tie a want to one particular action, often one that results in negative or unfamiliar consequences. Fearing what could result from that action, we quickly decide that it would be better not admit to ourselves or others what we want.

The problem with shutting down desire that might lead to an action we fear is that in doing so, we also diminish the energy we have available to accomplish things in life and to feel good. It takes energy to keep up the pretense that we don't have wants, and still more energy to continue to do things that we don't want to do. Then, to replenish all that energy, since we can't actually do what we want to, we often engage in behaviors that simply numb our discomfort: keeping the radio on, drinking, always keeping someone around so we're not alone with our discomfort, working all the time, keeping new adventures coming so we never stop to think, etc.

But what if instead of numbing ourselves to hide our fear and exhaustion, we could go back to the want underneath and treat it with patience and curiosity, rather than fear and judgment? Instead of assuming that a want must be tied to one particular action or one horrid thing that must true about us, what if we wondered about the full range of actions or self descriptors that might be tied to our want? Sitting with our wants in this curious way gives us time to look at deeper desires beneath our surface, circumstantial wants. Only then can we discover that our deep desires are almost always good, valid, and important.

Let's go back to the divorce scenario. But this time, instead of shutting off the desire for a divorce out of the fear of being a selfish quitter with a financially and emotionally unsound future, let's stay with the desire for a bit longer with a posture of curiosity. What is it about divorce that might make us want it? Maybe we want to be in a relationship in which we feel understood, where we don't have to fight "turf wars" over stupid issues because we are confident that the other person is fundamentally "for us." Maybe we want out interests to feel more valued. We want more of our time and money to go to trying out new things that we've always wanted to do that do not happen to interest our spouses.

Looking deeper, we find that it is not "divorce" we want as much as increased peace, companionship, support, and creativity-all good things. Fleshing out what we want, we can see that divorce might be one route for moving closer to these deeper wants, but it does not have to be the only one. Just because we admit our desire does not mean we have to get a divorce, nor that our wants are bad. We don't have to fear our desire because underneath it all, what we want is good. Admitting the goodness of our basic desires frees us to consider multiple possibilities for actions that move in that direction and other ways of viewing ourselves that were not open to us before.

The surgeon might try the same process and discover that what he wants is to be allowed to be human: to have more time, activities, and relationships in his life that do not require him to be "on the ball." This craving is good and normal, not soft or unprofessional. Quitting his job might be one road to what he wants, but it does not have to be the only one. He doesn't have to fear his good, deeper desire.

Drilling Your Desire

If you suspect that you have been dodging your wants, you may want to take some time to think through, journal about, or talk through these questions with a trusted person. If worry or the slowness of the process makes you want to stop, see if you can step back from worry and judgment and stay in curiosity a little longer to hear the full message your desire wants to tell you.

1.Â Â Â Â Â Â What would you do differently in your life if you had a magic wand that could prevent you or others from experiencing any unpleasant consequences?

2.Â Â Â Â Â Â Based on those differences, can you guess at what it is that you want?

3.Â Â Â Â Â Â If you described your wants in specific, circumstantial terms, see if you can translate them into several, more general phrases or adjectives that most appeal to you about your want. For example, "I want to quit my job and write novels" might become "I want less multi-tasking, more creativity, more down time, more interaction with creative people, and to rebel against my controlling boss."

4.Â Â Â Â Â Â If there are adjectives or elements about your desire that feel unacceptable to you, see if you can drill down further to what might be underneath them. For example "rebelling against my boss" might be a surface desire, where a deeper one might be "knowing I can stand up for myself when I need to." Keep drilling the desires you wish you didn't have until you find the good desire underneath those that felt unacceptable to you.

5.Â Â Â Â Â Â For each good component of your desire that you discovered, what would be 3 or 4 actions that you might take to fulfill those deeper, good desires?

6.Â Â Â Â Â Â If these actions are not achievable right now, what would be the very first small step that you could take in that direction?

If you or someone you know would like some help working through and understanding desire, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
Â
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Troubleshooting Resolutions

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 19:36:00 -0500

Why do so many New Year's resolutions fail? Is it simply because they are hard and we have funny ways of thinking about things that are hard?

Consider compliments, for example. When a guest tells the party host that he's made a wonderful meal, what's he more likely to say? "Oh it was nothing," or, "Yeah, I had to work on it for several days and try the recipe several times"? Students who hear that they've passed an exam are more likely to brag to each other, "I only had an hour to study and I had to take it hung over," than to confess, "I worked extremely hard for that grade and did absolutely the best that I could." It's like we are ashamed of things that are difficult for us.

Now certainly, there are areas where hard work gets some good press. We encourage athletes to "leave it all on the field," we give bonuses to our employees to try to get them to work wholeheartedly, and we enjoy movies like Rudy where folks without natural talent succeed through sheer grunt work. But the opposite message also comes through from our culture and our reluctant nature: that somehow we are more impressive if we succeed without effort than if we have to work hard for what we achieve.

So I'm wondering whether our success in following through with our more challenging resolutions is related to which of the following messages we have taken to heart:

1. It's more impressive to be naturally gifted or cunning enough to do well without much effort, or
2. Expect life to be challenging and meet difficulties head on with everything you've got.

Beliefs that Make or Break Resolutions

I'll show you what I mean. Let's start with Mr. Gifted, an intuitive and cunning man who has accomplished things quite well without much effort for most of his life. On top of the praise he receives for his achievements, he receives bonus points for the ease with which he achieves his tasks, plus the envy of coworkers who know the task would have taken them twice as long. Because receiving this kind of praise from bosses, girlfriends, parents, friends, schools, and his own internal "self talk" is a lifelong pattern, Mr. Gifted feels like being praised for getting things to go his way with ease is the norm. He has taken the first message to heart.

At some point, he encounters a task that he can't ease his way through. He could do it alright, but it would take a lot of work and his "fan club" is probably not going to be impressed with the time it would take for him to succeed at this one. To do this task, he'd have to risk looking normal, rather than gifted and outstanding. And he's equated being praised with being fundamentally okay for so long that he's not sure whether he'd still be a worthwhile person if he descended into normalcy.

Without consciously realizing it, he begins to dodge tasks that would require him to put in a normal level of grunt work. All he knows is that he suddenly seems to "lose interest" in his latest project, latest career attempt, latest friendship or romantic relationship, moving onto the next one because that last one "just didn't feel like it was using his full potential." Pretty soon, he has a pattern of quitting. It's his new response whenever something doesn't feel "rewarding." His fear about what working hard would mean about his worth as a person sabotages his ability to achieve difficult goals and resolutions.

Now, Ms. Worker has taken to heart the second message. Early on, things didn't go so easily for her. It seemed like everything worth accomplishing took a lot of work. Certainly, folks noticed when she succeeded at something, but she never got awards like the gifted kids did. But she decided that even if she couldn't be the best, at least she could work towards getting what she wanted. More motivated by achieving her goals than by being praised for the ease with which she achieved them, she's not particularly worried when things turn out to be difficult. If a task proves challenging, that doesn't mean anything bad about her. After all, life is difficult. It just is. So if she decides something is worth achieving, that means it's worth whatever amount of effort it takes to get there. Her belief that life requires hard work allows her to accomplish whatever she sets her mind to do.

Discovering Your Resolution Busters

If you feel plagued by a pattern of being unable to follow through with goals and resolutions, the following questions might give you some clues as to what you believe about hard things and what might be getting in your way:

* If achieving your resolution required twice or five times the amount of planning, determination, and effort that you expected it to, what would that mean about who you are? Would that be okay with you?

* What is it in life that would be worth giving everything you've got to attain? How is your resolution related to those things?

* What would you lose if you became the kind of person who was capable of achieving your resolution? Are there hidden costs to becoming that kind of person that are getting in the way of your desire to achieve your goal?

* Who do you know and respect who has achieved the kinds of things that you hope to achieve? What can you learn from that person about successfully attaining your goal?

If you or someone you know would like some help in determining what gets in the way of your goals, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Indiana Jones and the Stalker Playpen

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:04:00 -0500

I bet that at some point youâve been stalked, though some of you might not know it. Thanks to
the movies, we all have a rough idea of how stalked people act. They glance over their
shoulders to see if the stalker is still there, half a block behind, or take three left turns in a row to
see if the person follows. They might take steps to avoid being out in public alone, screen their
calls, block certain email addresses, post Facebook pictures that only show their left eyeball, or
even change their names and social security numbers. The worst thing about it is that even
though it is the stalker who is messed up, itâs the stalked personâs life that gets constrictedâlike
someoneâs gone and made them live in a playpen.

Those of us who are breathing a sigh of relief right now because we are convinced that we are
much too boring to catch a stalkerâs attention might need to inhale a bit of that breath again and
keep reading. Itâs actually pretty easy to allow ourselves to be stalked right smack into playpen
living. Consider this: We allow ourselves to be stalked by whatever we refuse to think about.

Ways We Get Playpenned

Letâs think through a few examples. Say you just had a bad breakup in a really important
relationship. You donât want to think about it âcause thinking about it is painful, so instead you
start avoiding places you used to go that remind you of that person. You cut the personâs head
out of your photos. You avoid hanging out with people who knew the two of you together.
Suddenly, there are places you canât go, good memories you canât look at, and people you used
to like who you donât get to be with now. You just got playpenned.

Or say you have an immature sibling who keeps calling with new crises, asking you to drop
everything or to send more money. Maybe dad makes you feel guilty if you donât behave the
way you are âsupposed to.â Maybe mom bosses you around like a child even though you are
50. You know that if you changed your response to stop the painful behavior, youâd risk losing
the few good things that are left in these relationships. Plus, youâd have to deal with the anxiety
of change. So you keep coming to the rescue; you follow âsupposed tosâ that make your friends
roll their eyes; you just have an extra drink or two at each holiday meal. Youâve lost money,
time, respect, sobrietyâplaypenned again.

Traumaâs perhaps the most notorious stalker. Some things are so painful to think about that
folks will avoid sleep to stay away from dreams that touch on it. They might go way out of their
way to avoid people, places, or activities that remind them of the trauma. Eventually, out of longterm
habit, the mind may even âseal offâ portions of memories so that not only the present, but
also the past slips beyond the playpen walls.

Indiana Jonesâ Guide to Facing Fear

What do we do when we get tired of playpen living? We follow Indiana Jones. Remember in the
Last Crusade movie when Indie has to get the grail in order to save his dadâs life, but to get
there, he has to cross what looks like a bottomless chasm? Heâs got a book based on othersâ
research and experience that tells him thereâs a bridge there, but he sure canât see one. Still, he
decides that the risk of death is worth the possibility of saving his dadâs life and his own. So he
steps out into what looks like thin air, only to discover that the ancient researchers were right!
There was a bridge there all the time, but it was painted to look so much like the chasm that he
could not see the bridge until he stepped off the ledge.

Thatâs kind of what leaving the playpen is like. Rather than turning away from what we fear and
resigning ourselves to a life of increasing constriction, we:

1. Figure Out What We Fear by turning to look at our âfear chasmâ straight on,
2. Consider the Pros and Cons of changing, weighing what we might gain by facing our fears
against the increasing cost of restricting our freedom,
3. Get Information about how to face our fears from the âbookâ of the experience and support
of those who have faced fears similar to ours, and then
4. Take the First Step toward making the changes that we fear, but that will set us free.

Some of us may already have done step one. We know what it is that we wonât let ourselves do
or think about. We know which things we have given permission to stalk us and keep us from
experiencing a free, joyful life. Others of us may have been running from our fears for so long
that we couldnât actually name what it is that we fear. Weâre afraid to even think about it!

If you donât know what it is you fear, but you know you donât like silence, alone time, sobriety,
not snacking between meals, down time, or whatever behavior it is that you find yourself doing
to avoid thinking about something, try stopping the behavior for a little while and take note of
any thoughts that come to mind. Turn off the TV or the radio for an evening. Spend two hours by
yourself without productivity or distractions. Avoid alcohol at the next family dinner. Wait half an
hour before contacting the constant crisis friend or parent.

As you feel anxious, rather than dodging the anxiety with your usual behaviors, see if you can
dive in and identify what the feeling is. Tell yourself that you can return to distraction in an hour
or so, but not before you get a good look at whatâs been stalking you. Once you have a better
idea of what it is, then you can decide whether it would be worth taking some steps to face this
fear, moving outside the playpen walls to a life of increased freedom and joy. It probably wonât
be easy, but it may just be worth it.

If you or someone you know would like some help figuring out and overcoming fears, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

The Good the Bad and the Ugly Holiday Survival Guide

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 09:32:00 -0500

Though I have yet to meet any of you, I am sure that there must be some of you out there
whose holiday memories actually do resemble a Courier and Ives painting. Meanwhile, others of
you blow the dust off your photo albums to reveal holidays that were, in fact, authored by
Stephen Kingâhis most terrifying series yet. And between those poles are the rest of us whose
holidays might be categorized as the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Since it is still several weeks
before the winter holidays get under way, Iâve written some holiday survival tips for the rest of
us, in hopes that we might prepare to enjoy the Good holidays, even if theyâre not great,
squeeze some good out of the Bad ones, and avoid being re-traumatized by the Ugly ones.

Enjoying the Good Thatâs Not Great

Those of us with Good holidays get to be with relatives or friends that we more or less get along
with, do activities that are more or less pleasurable, and eat food that is more or less palatable,
even if we inevitably regret eating so much along the way. What makes our holidays good rather
than great is comparison. We compare our current experiences with past memories of holidays
that really did seem greatâwhen we received the present we really, really wanted and played
with it all day long; when the whole family was able to make it home and cuddle around the fire
in the great blizzard of â73; when there was a familiar home in a familiar place to gather; or when
the turkey was perfectly moist and Uncle Bart brought his prize-winning apple pie.

We may also compare our current holiday experience with what we had hoped would be the
âperfectâ holiday experience, where our family or friends finally got it all right after years of lessthan-
perfect attempts. Buckling under the weight of comparison to idealized past experiences
and hopes of the perfect future holiday season that redeems all the others, our ordinary, somegood-
and-some-not-so-good holiday experiences canât help but disappoint.

So to prevent Good holidays from being spoiled by impossible comparisons, here are some things to try:

â¢ Identify the things that you most loved about past holidays and the ways that the upcoming
holiday season will probably be different than those past memories.

â¢ Identify the things about this coming holiday that you are hoping will be âjust rightâ and then

note any hopes that probably wonât be feasible, given current circumstances and relationships.

â¢ Take some timeâmaybe half an hour, an evening, or a weekendâbefore this holiday season begins to let yourself feel the disappointment that these holidays canât measure up to past memories and probably wonât be just right. If letting yourself feel the disappointment brings up other life disappointments, let yourself grieve those too. The grieving wonât last forever and by letting yourself feel some of the sadness before, you can reduce the amount of grieving youâll need to do during or right after holiday events.

â¢ Identify the relationships, rituals, food, and other experiences that are most meaningful to you during the holiday season. Figure out which of these are feasible to include in this season and schedule them in advance so that they donât get lost in the busyness.

â¢ In advance of meaningful events, communicate to involved family or friends what feels important to you about each event so that, if possible, they can work with you to help the events go well enough to feel meaningful.

â¢ At the end of the season, note what went well and what you might like to be different about next year. If making next year different requires advanced planning, write reminders on next yearâs calendar sufficiently in advance of the holiday season.

Finding Some Good in the Bad

Those of us who are expecting Bad holidays wonât get to be with family or friends this season.
Perhaps we canât make it home because of a work schedule, a budget shortfall, a lingering
conflict, or the loss of a loved one. We expect the âholidaysâ to involve a TV dinner and MASH
reruns, a night shift, or several hours in a nursing home. Odds are that things could get pretty
depressing.

To squeeze some good out of a Bad holiday season, here are some things to try:

â¢ If you are missing a holiday because of work, schedule a meal, meaningful activity, or a
flight home sometime around the time of the holiday you had to miss, inviting friends to
celebrate a second Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, or New Years with you.

â¢ If you are alone and not occupied on a holiday, prepare a full day schedule for yourself in
advance, filled with things that you love to do: catch up on good movies, eat your favorite
food, conquer a new video game, call a long list of folks, hike, ski, etc. Though you might
want to schedule some time to feel your disappointment before the holiday, donât give
yourself much time on the day itself. Fill the day with things to look forward to.

â¢ If you are separated from friends or family because of conflict or loss, write out a detailed
plan for ways that you could make progress on the conflict or for developing new, healthy
relationships in advance of next yearâs holiday season. The plan might include phone calls,
family or individual therapy, new activities, social skills training or self help books, online
dating or friendship, etc. You may find that you start to feel better as soon as you make a
plan, not when the plan is completed.

â¢ If you are hurting from the loss of a loved one and there is no one else with whom you can
spend the holidays, contact local volunteer organizations or churches that help people
around the holidays. Staying active and helping others can give you a break from grieving
on those important days when grief can be the most difficult.

Surviving the Ugly

Those of us who experience Ugly holidays can expect to call the police at some point during the
weekend because Cousin Charles has thrown the Thanksgiving turkey through the plate glass
windowâ¦again. Holidays feel like prison sentences in which we must spend what feels like an
eternity with people who have abused us in the past and just might do it again, or who might
turn the abuse on our kids if we leave them unattended even for a moment. For those of us with
Ugly holidays, the goal is to make it to January 2nd without incurring any new physical,
emotional, or relational injuries.

If this sounds like your family, first of all, you deserve a good pat on the back for all youâve
survived already! And here are some suggestions for minimizing the holiday damage:

â¢ If you feel that there is a good chance that you or your family might be hurt in ways that you
cannot prevent, donât go! You might need to ask some friends or trusted family to support
you as you work through the âguiltâ of not going. You might also ask them to give you
another place to go for the holidays. But if itâs bound to hurt, just donât do it!

â¢ If the event will be unpleasant, but you know that you will be able to protect yourself and
your family sufficiently to avoid further harm, give yourself a wide variety of escape
strategies. Spring for the rental car rather than accepting a ride that will trap you in a place
you canât leave. Schedule a phone call, a walk, a convenience store visit, or a meeting with
a nearby friend during part of the day to give yourself several breaks. Go to the bathroom
often and, while there, read encouraging quotes, mantras, scriptures, or notes from friends
to remind yourself of who you are and how loved you are. Schedule business conferences
or meetings near the holidays to reduce the amount of time you can stay away. Go home
early if you need to.

â¢ In advance of difficult events, let your friends, trusted family, or a good therapist know about
what you will be facing and provide them with specific suggestions of how they might
support you. You might ask them to call you during the event, write a letter of
encouragement you could take with you, provide you with an excuse to leave if needed, or
give you sound advice when you feel like you canât trust yourself to make sure you are taken
care of.

If you or someone you know would like some help preparing for the holidays or dealing with seasonal depression, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

The Magic of Maybe

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 11:30:00 -0500

I’ve got two magic words for you. Door opening words like “open sesame.” Only these two
words open the door to a prison in the mind. But before we can find the door, let’s take a peek
at the prison we’re escaping.

Most of us have a “top 40 radio station” of thoughts that run through our heads when things are
not going as we’d like. The tunes in this station are made up of explicit or implicit messages
we’ve heard along the way or that we fear may be true about ourselves. When something bad
happens, that mental radio turns on and plays these horrible messages. For example, you find
out that you weren’t invited to a friend’s party and suddenly the radio is playing It’s Because You
Aren’t Interesting, followed by You’ll Always Be Excluded, and the techno version of You’re
Gonna End Up Totally Alone. Or say you don’t get hired for a job you wanted. Again, the
volume turns up in time for the last few bars of Your Best Isn’t Good Enough. The song set
continues with You’ll Always Be a Screw Up and finishes with that great ballad Don’t You
Realize by Now You’ll Never Amount to Anything?

As if hearing these mental messages when things go wrong weren’t enough, some of us have to
put up with them when good things happen as well. You get admitted to the school of your
choice and If They Only Knew the Real You They’d Kick You Out starts to play, followed by
You’re the Admission Office’s Mistake and What Makes You Think You’ll Succeed When No
One in Your Family Ever Has? Or you finally start dating someone who doesn’t make you feel
like boxed wine in a Dixie cup and the radio blares Any Day Now They’ll Leave You and It’s Just
Too Good to Be True.

Absolut Attribution: The Imprisoning Vodka

There are three “absolute” themes you might have noticed in the song list above that may
appear in your personal Top 40 as well. First, the song titles tend to be global and pervasive,
rather than specific, containing words like always, totally, never, no one, ever, and too. In
addition to being global, these words also imply permanence, rather than the possibility for
change. These “songs” also focus on flaws in who we are as people, rather than on the
particular circumstances we are in: you aren’t interesting, your best isn’t good enough, you’re
the mistake, you’ll never amount to anything.

These three elements—pervasiveness, permanence, and person-focus—provide the walls of
our thought prisons. If who we are as people is flawed and it will be that way in every situation
from here to eternity, what logical person would not lean toward anxiety and depression? Being
forever flawed without exception is, in fact, depressing!

So how do we get out of this prison? By hammering small wedges of uncertainty into our
absolute messages, effectively changing our mental “radio station.” This is where we get to use
the two magic words of “or maybe.” We answer our negative recurring thoughts with a triple
threat combination of possibilities that disrupt the three absolutes: specificity, changeability, and
circumstance-focus.

So when you find out you weren’t invited to the party and the radio starts playing that flawed
person-focused tune It’s Because You Aren’t Interesting, your circumstance-focused answer
“song” could be Or Maybe…My Friend Knows I Won’t Like the People at This Party. When you
didn’t get the job and the permanent song You’ll Always Be a Screw Up kicks on, you can
answer with your own changeable ballad: Or Maybe…I’ll Get the Next Job and It Will Be Better
Than This One. Your answer to the pervasive song It’s Just Too Good to Be True about that
new loving relationship could be the specific song Or Maybe…I’ve Learned from Past Hurts and
This Time Will Be Different.

Now I’m not recommending that we pretend hard things don’t happen or assume that when
things go well, they always will. I’m just saying that we can capitalize on the very uncertainty in
life that often gives us so much trouble. Since we don’t know the future, we can use the
unknowing of “or maybe” to create possibility doors that allow us to wriggle out of some
unnecessary depression and anxiety that results from absolute thinking.

6 Steps toward Making Uncertainty Work for You

If you suspect that the absolutes in your recurring thoughts are giving you more than your fair
share of anxiety and depression, you might try the following:

1. Start by jotting down the song titles of your personal Top 40—those negative messages
that repeat in your head after good or bad events occur.

2. For each recurring thought you write down, see if you can identify any absolutes of
pervasiveness, permanence, or flawed personality-focus that the thought contains.

3. Answer each absolute thought with an “or maybe” statement that introduces specificity
and limits into pervasive/general thoughts, disrupts permanent thoughts with the
possibility of change over time, or adds focus on circumstances to disrupt exclusive
focus on personality flaws.

4. Start noticing whenever the negative “Top 40” starts playing in your mind and
consciously choose to answer each of those recurring thoughts with the “Or maybe”
statement you prepared to match each negative thought.

5. Keep practicing answering your negative thoughts with possibilities and be gentle with
yourself when it doesn’t feel effective at first. Changing thinking patterns takes time!

6. Enjoy the freedom that comes from introducing the possibility that things might not be as
bad as you once were stuck thinking they’d be.

If you or someone you know would like some help with changing depressive thinking patterns, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

From Pedestals to Mosaics

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:53:00 -0500

We've all met the Rights: Mr. Right who is going to love us like we've never been loved; Ms.
Right, finally the ultimate friend, brother, or sister; Dr. Right who will stand in for the
parent/grandparent/mentor we never had; CEO Right who waltzes in to save the company; Rev.
Right who will lead us to spiritual heights we've never glimpsed.

And then, what happens? A bit of scandal surfaces. The pedestal we placed them on starts to
wobble. We notice that they perform poorly in certain areas. They just don't seem as excited to
see us anymore. Pretty soon, they topple right off of that pedestal and we have to admit that
they weren't so Right after all. But next time, we promise ourselves, we'll see through the façade
that fooled us before. The next person will have to be even more amazing to climb the even
taller pedestal we have erected in our minds.

So we meet the next Right, who succeeds in the ways the last one failed...at first. But pretty
soon the new Right falls off the pedestal too, joining the shattered fragments on the floor of all
those we had hoped would save the day.

Why do we keep putting people on the pedestals of our huge expectations, only to watch them
fall off and disappoint us? Well, for starters, we've all been hurt by relationships. Some of us
have some bumps and bruises and others of us are missing emotional limbs from the wrongs
that have been done to us. Since it hurts so much to be missed, neglected, undervalued, let
down, abused—you name it—we keep looking for someone who can meet us in those same
places that we've been hurt, and then treat us differently right in that spot so we can get healed
of our old hurts and feel whole again.

The problem is that every time we try to get another Right person to heal our old wounds and
then that person fails, the original hurt deepens. Now, we've not only been disappointed by the
failure of a person we originally trusted, but also by the many failures of those we hoped would
save us afterwards. Some of us have been hurt so often in the same old ways that we have
retreated into a hardened cynicism about people's ability to meet our needs at all. We'd rather
throw out all hope for intimacy and keep things shallow and safe than hold on to hope that
would let us be hurt again. Unfortunately, cynicism and withdrawal from others don't actually
work. They numb us a bit, but the hurt still hangs out underneath, moldy and seething, stealing
our ability to have abundant joy.

So what else can we do? What alternative is there to the pedestal-to-fragments approach to
getting our relational needs met?

Wholly Mosaics, Batman!

We might begin by admitting to ourselves that there is a shocking lack of pedestal-worthy
statues around us. Michelangelo’s David-type people are pretty rare, maybe even non-existent.
But there are quite a few Venus de Milo's who have some good things about them, though they
are missing an arm or two. There's no shortage of sphinxes who are essentially stable and fine,
with the exception of the missing nose. All around us are fragmented people, who, despite their
deformities, retain some goodness and are sometimes capable of meeting a few, though not all,
of our needs. As long as we don't put these broken statues atop the pedestals of our ever-increasing,
impossible expectations, we can delight in what they do have to offer.

Essentially, I am proposing that we change our art form of choice from single statues to
mosaics. Since we are surrounded by fragmented people, rather than whole ones, we may have
to take another look at the folks around us and see which of our needs they can meet, rather
than being irate about the needs they fail to meet. If we are surrounded by enough fragmented
people, we can place the good parts of them side by side into our vacant, wounded places to
help get our needs met bit by bit, rather than hanging our hopes on one person who initially
seems to have it all together. We may not ever feel completely whole, but getting some of our
needs met is still a good thing.

5 Ways to Craft Your Need-Meeting Mosaic

To begin the process of letting the many broken people around you come together meet your
needs, rather than holding out for the alien invasion of the Rights:

1. Make a list of the people in your life who meet some of your needs right now. Ask
yourself which of your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs these people meet for you
and which remain unmet. Don't forget that needs include all kinds of things: activities,
learning, touch, talk time, challenge or confrontation, help around the house, provisions,
insight, food, etc.

2. Ask yourself if the current people in your life might be capable of meeting more of your
needs if you were to ask them for help more specifically. Often, we overlook the
strengths of our friends because we are so aware of their failures, or because we are
afraid of what it would mean for us if we asked and they said no.

3. Take a few small risks with the people you know already, specifically asking them for
some of the things that you need. If possible, see if you can diversify your requests so
you aren't overloading one non-perfect person.

4. When people you rely on fail, make note of it, but don't throw the person out of your life if
there is still some good there. See if you can lower your expectations for that person and
focus in on the needs that person can still meet for you.

5. Identify the needs you have that simply can't be met by people currently in your life,
whether you ask them for more or not. Think about a variety of settings where you might
meet other people who could meet those needs. See if you can add need-meeting
people or activities to your life a little a time, increasing the number of needs that you
can get met without overwhelming yourself with new activities.

Baby Steps toward Getting Help

Some of you out there may have people in your life who you know need counseling. But let’s be
realistic, shall we? It’s hard to get help. Change itself is hard and admitting that we need help to
change requires a combination of humility and courage that many of us just aren’t ready to
muster. So often, when people are thinking about getting help, they need to borrow the old What
About Bob? concept of “baby steps”—one step at a time to get more and more comfortable with
the idea of getting help.

Typically, people need to form relationships gradually to be able to trust helpers. Things need to
feel as safe and predictable as possible because change is scary! So the more gradual the pace
toward getting help, the better, unless someone is in crisis.

If you are suggesting that someone in your life get counseling, you may want to start by
forwarding them a newsletter, sending them a link to a trusted helper’s website, or handing them
a card with the helper’s web address on it. Saying, “Why don’t you look at this site and see if
what this counselor has to offer feels right to you” or “This person is happy to have a free 20
minute conversation with any friend of mine just to see what kind of help might work for you”
may be a lot less intimidating than saying, “You need counseling. Call this person.”

If you or someone you know would like some help with getting relational needs met, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

A Tale of Two Loans

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 11:09:00 -0400

C.S. Lewis once said, "If we want to work on forgiveness, perhaps we'd best not start with the
Nazis."

Now, there's probably a few of you who just read "work on forgiveness" and suddenly
discovered that you have other urgent things to do. Being forgiven for the intentional or
inadvertent nastiness that we have visited upon our fellow human beings can be wonderfully
freeing. But forgiving others for their harm against us is not nearly so enthralling, especially
forgiving those others—you know the ones I mean—those whose past wrongs turned our lives
into an emotional minefield that continues to injure us, even though the traps were laid long ago.

One of the reasons we tend to hate forgiveness, despite all the studies that rave about its
potential for increasing health and improving quality of life, is because of phrases like: "It's
okay," "Don't worry about it," "It's nothing," "Water under the bridge," etc. These phrases only
work if they are true because the offense against us was so minor that we would probably forget
about it without effort in a week or two. But typically, these phases are not true. What
happened to us was not okay and the water that went under the bridge keeps evaporating,
raining down, and returning to the bridge again.

Since the "It's okay" model of forgiveness only works when things actually are okay, and
because so many of the things that happen aren't okay, we need a new model of forgiveness.
We need an approach that gives us all the joy and health benefits of being set free from the
prison of our resentment, but that also doesn't pretend that the hurt meant nothing. So let's see
what we can do, starting with an analogy.

The Transferal Model of Forgiveness

Several years ago, I bought a condo. When I set out to buy, I had a congenial relationship with
Loan Company A. I could have called them at any time and we might have talked about
anything, really. But on March 30th, there was a change that would taint our interactions from
that point forward: I took quite a bit of their money and they wanted it back. This debt was not
"nothing" to them. I received no notice saying "it's okay" or "water under the bridge." I had
taken from them and they would hold it over me until I made it up to them by working myself to
the bone for years and years to come. Or so it seemed.

On April 15th, the unexpected happened. Loan Company A decided that even though my debt
was not "nothing" to them, regularly demanding that I make it up to them had become too
painful for them. They wanted to return to the way our relationship had been before. But since
my debt was not "okay," they had to do this by calling up Loan Company B and saying, "We
want to be free of the burden of making Jen pay us back. Can we hand the debt over to you so
that getting her to pay will be your responsibility and we can be free of her?" Company B
agreed and from that day forward, Company A was free of their resentment for me that resulted
from my taking their money. I still owed it, of course, but Company A did not have to collect
from me. As far as they were concerned, my debt to them was forgiven, not because it was
canceled, but because it was transferred.

In this "transferal" model of forgiveness, we who have been wronged do not have to say that the
wrongs done against us were okay. In fact, we uphold the opposite: that the wrongs against us
were so abundantly "not okay" that it is actually beyond our ability to collect the full debt that is
owed to us. There is simply no way that we can muster up enough anger, resentment, revenge
or despair to collect what is owed to us and make things truly, deeply right again. Because the
wrongs against us are so significant, we have to give the "collection" responsibility to someone
more powerful and wiser than we are. Thus, this approach may be particularly helpful for those
who believe in God or a greater force of justice whose job it is to set things right now and in the
end.

7 Steps toward Setting Yourself Free

To begin the journey toward setting yourself free through transferal forgiveness:

1. Start by looking closely at the wrongs done to you and the hurtful consequences that
have resulted from these wrongs in your life.

2. Admit to yourself that the wrongs done against you were significant, not "okay."

3. Take a look at the ways that your efforts to "collect the debt" from the person who
wronged you through resentment, obsessive thoughts, anger, or other actions have
affected your life.

4. Admit that there is no way that you can ever control the other person or your
circumstances sufficiently to make everything right again with the past, present, and
future.

5. Symbolically hand over the responsibility for "collecting the debt" to God or a power
greater than yourself.

6. Whenever you think of the wrong done against you, tell yourself, "What was done to me
was not okay and making it right is now God's problem, not mine."

7. Enjoy the freedom that comes from giving up the responsibility for making the person
who wronged you change. It may not be wise to trust those who wronged you in the
same way that you did before the hurt, as they may or may not be capable of earning
back your trust. But you can still enjoy freedom from making yourself miserable with
attitudes and actions aimed at forcing them to change.

If you or someone you know would like some help with forgiveness, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Leprosyâs Lessons about Depression

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 08:38:00 -0400

Chances are that research on leprosy has not made it onto your leisure reading list. But there
are some important lessons that this now obscure disease has to teach us about physical and
emotional pain.

For centuries, people assumed that lepers became disfigured because leprosy actively
dissolved their extremities. Dr. Paul Brand discovered several decades ago that this is not the
case. Rather, leprosy kills off the nerves in the colder regions of the body so that people do not
feel pain. Without the strong, insistent warnings of pain, people use their hands and feet
clumsily and repetitively until they develop small fractures from repeated stress. Unattended,
these stress fractures turn into breaks, and as bits of bone chip off, the bone dissolves over
time. Without pain, lepers just keep on doing the same old things until they disfigure
themselves.*

As much as we complain about our aches and pains, they are some of best life-preservers we
have. In a voice too loud and too persistent for non-masochists to ignore, pain says, “Something
is wrong. Stop and change what you are doing before you are damaged beyond repair!”

Many of us have already discovered the usefulness of non-chronic physical pain. But we tend to
think about emotional pain quite differently. When someone says, “My knee keeps hurting me,”
we think, “Go to the doctor and get a diagnosis or some exercises that will solve the problem.”
But when someone says, “I can’t stop feeling anxious” or “I struggle with depression,” it’s far too
easy to think, “There’s something wrong with you. Why can’t you buck up and get it together?”
How easily we can dismiss the profound gift of being able to feel emotional pain!

Depression: A Call to Greater Life

As hard as it is to think about depression as a life-preserving warning sign, rather than
something to be ashamed of, the messages it can convey to us are no less important than those
our nerves deliver. Here are some common depression messages:

• You’ve been through some really hard things. Can you take it easy on yourself for awhile
until you have a chance to regain your hope and motivation?

• You have some outstanding potential that you are not pursuing because you are concerned
about what the change will mean. If staying the same starts to become more painful than
changing, will you have the courage to move toward that potential?

• Your brain chemistry or your hormones have changed and you are not getting enough of the
chemicals you need to have the energy to do what you need to do. Can you change your
diet, exercise, or get some more of the missing hormones or chemicals so you can have
more energy and joy?

• There’s something you’ve lost that is more important than you thought at first. Can you
figure out what it is and find some loving people or resources that can start giving you more
of what you’ve been missing?

• Some of the ways that you think about the world and yourself are not realistic. Your
impossible standards are keeping you from delighting in life. Can you figure out what these
thoughts are and exchange them for do-able, life-giving thoughts?

• Right now, you’re not relating to the important people in your life in ways that bring you joy
and meet your needs. Can you change the ways you relate to them, or find healthy people
to relate to so that more of your needs get met?

Even though depression has the potential to call us to rest, renewed energy, self actualization,
healthy relationships, healing, and realistic thoughts, it can be so painful that we cannot pull
ourselves out of the pain sufficiently to hear the life-giving messages it is sending. Often, we
need others to help us detect the message under the pain and get us started on some
“emotional therapy” exercises that will stop the pain and prevent it from coming back so strongly
again.

If you can’t identify the particular change that the depression is asking you to make, it may be
helpful to ask a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor to help you clarify the factors that might be
contributing to your pain. Or you may have lived in emotional pain for so long now that you’ve
developed “emotional leprosy” and no longer notice the signs that you are in pain much of the
time. Here are some, but certainly not all the signs that depression may be going on behind the
scenes:

• Feelings: sadness, guilt, self-loathing, agitation, irritation, helplessness, worthlessness, can’t
feel pleasure;

• Thoughts: pessimistic generalizations, lack of concentration, indecisiveness;

• Behaviors: stopped pleasurable activities, increased laziness, hyper-productivity, increased
substance use;

• Physical: changes in appetite, changes in sleeping patterns, fatigue.

The Good and the Bad News: You Are in Pain

If you have experienced the above symptoms for an hour, a week, or as long as you can
remember, that means your emotional “nerve endings” are alive and reporting important
messages to you. You have evaded emotional leprosy, and by digging for the message that
your depression is trying to tell you, you may be able to avoid lots of long-term damage.

Of course, few things are as excruciating as depression. So let me encourage you to start
“digging” for your depression’s message as soon as you are able, getting whatever help you
need to start on the road away from pain and back into joy.

*For more about how leprosy works and the lessons that may be learned from it, see The Gift of Pain by Phillip
Yancey and Paul Brand. (1997). Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

If you or someone you know would like some help with this process, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Whoâs Your Mommy?

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:05:00 -0400

In the popular documentary Winged Migration, some extremely dedicated scientists filmed the
migratory flight patterns of birds by pretending to be the birds’ “mothers.” The scientists knew
that some species of birds identify the first caring being that they see as their “mother,”
regardless of whether that being is a bird or not—a phenomena called imprinting. So the
scientists made sure that they were the first “mother object” the young birds saw. They then
raised the birds and gained their trust until the birds eventually learned to fly next to their
“mother” scientists in ultralight aircraft carrying filming equipment.

Human beings can be “imprinted” as well. Certainly, few of us send Mother’s Day cards to a
pelican. But the ways in which we interact with our caregivers early in life created many of the
patterns in our brains that feel “normal” to us now. This is true no matter how excellent or
strange our caregivers happened to be.

As we grew up, some of us may have observed the ways that other caregivers interacted with
children and come to realize that things that we thought were normal about our early years, in
retrospect, ranged from bizarre to downright traumatic. What once felt normal turned out to be
strange, as if we were Ugly Ducklings who suddenly discovered that the environment in which
we were raised was filled with people from a different species altogether!

Brain Structure: Why Ugly Ducklings Miss Becoming Swans

Many of us have spent a great deal of energy trying to escape our Ugly Duckling early patterns
and transform into the “swans” we were meant to be. We’ve read self help books, attended
seminars, tried the latest fads, collected degrees, or simply kept ourselves busy with new
adventures or substances to keep us away from the “normal” things we were taught early on
that turned out to be strange. But many of our efforts have been unsuccessful for two key
reasons: isolation and time.

While we may be able to learn how to use a barbeque or program a cell phone by reading a
manual alone, the brain processes relational learning differently. Most of the views and patterns
that we learned by relating to people early on can only be un-learned by relating to people in
different ways now. With few exceptions, what’s hurt in relationship needs to be fixed in
relationship. That’s just the way the brain works!* If we want to learn to relate to the world and
other people in different ways, we can’t do it alone. We need to train the people in our lives to
help us practice different ways of relating or find new people who can relate to us differently until
these new, healthy ways of relating replace the old patterns.

Secondly, we may have missed the results we desire because we were hoping for a quick fix.
In early life, the brain imprints very quickly. But after adolescence, the brain solidifies a bit and
un-learning lessons that we learned in early relationships takes years, rather than weeks or
months. So if we want to learn new ways of relating to others and the world, we need to
prepare ourselves for some long-term practice.

How to Change Your “Mommy”

If there is a relational or world view pattern that you would like to change, start by clearly
identifying both the pattern and the way you’d like it to be different. Then decide which people
might be willing to work with you to change it. Let them know how you are trying to change and
provide them specific ways in which you would like them to help you.

For example, if being punished for making a mistake when you were young has made you afraid
of trying new or exciting things currently, you might ask a trusted co-worker to give you
whatever kind of “thumbs up” feels meaningful to you each time you try something new—
whether you succeed or fail! If you were told to be “seen and not heard” as a child and now you
find yourself listening to others, while they don’t seem to care about what you have to say, you
might ask a friend to start your conversations by asking how you are really doing and then
refusing to tell you anything about her life until you answer at length.

If you are having trouble thinking of someone you might ask for help in this process, or it just
seems to scary to try in the relationships you have right now, see if you can find a mature,
trustworthy counselor or someone else in a helping role who would be willing to try this with you
until you are comfortable doing it with the other people in your life. A professional helping
relationship is certainly not the only way that people can heal in relationship, but it can be a
great way to get the process started.

And remember, no matter how you approach relational growth, good relational healing takes
time. Keep at it! Don’t give up!

If you or someone you know would like some help with breaking past patterns, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Learning to "Let Freedom Ring"

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 10:02:00 -0400

Isnât this last phrase of "My Country Tis of Thee" just odd? Both political and personal freedom
seem so difficult to attain. Shouldnât the line read âmake freedom ringâ? Wouldn't it have made
more sense for Martin Luther King, Jr. to have said âmake justice roll down like a riverâ? And
why didnât the Beatles say âmake it beâ instead?

Thereâs got to be something to âletting,â as opposed to âmaking.â With making, the good thing
we desire is not already there. We have to create it and bring it to completion. With letting, the
good thing exists already. It is just itching to get out and flourish, but for some reason or another
we are standing in the way.

This âstanding in the wayâ of good things happens so often inside of us. There is a part of us
that longs for joy and freedom, and a part of us that is scared of what that would mean and so
just keeps standing in the way.

Nine âLettingâ Challenges that Block Our Freedom

To bring this common problem into clearer focus, Iâve listed some âlettingâ challenges below that
most of us struggle with at some point in our lives. These include the challenges of letting
ourselves:

1. Take a break from trying to change circumstances and people, taking time to relax and do
âunproductiveâ things daily;
2. Admit we have needs and ask others to help us meet them;
3. Fail without being ashamed;
4. Pursue and enjoy less-than-spectacular pleasures and accomplishments;
5. Be âunknowing,â not having to be the expert on everything;
6. Tolerate uncertainty, knowing we can handle the consequences of choices we must make
on limited information;
7. Treasure the pleasure and pain of the present moment, resisting the urge to always live in
the future;
8. Be vulnerable to othersâ feelings, ideas, and leadership, not always having to be strong and
in charge;
9. Commit to actively pursuing a particular life choice, moving out of perpetual indecision and
reliance on others.

If you are like most people, you winced at one or more of the above âlettingâ challenges. The
question: âBut who would I be if I let myself do that?â may have come to mind. If so, the
challenges that made you wince may be pointing to places that you are unknowingly resisting
freedom and joy.

For example, if the challenge of letting yourself admit that you have needs and asking others to
help you meet them made you wince, that may mean that someone in your life gave you the
message: âYour needs are inconvenient and you shouldnât have them.â Now, years later, you
have learned how to tell yourself the same thing even though that person is no longer in charge
of you. Your refusal to admit to others that you have needs is probably blocking you from the joy
of letting others meet your legitimate needs and relate to you. Because other people see that
you always seem so âokayâ and âhelpful,â they donât know how to love you in the ways you need
them to. Refusal to let yourself be needy in front of others blocks you from the joy of having
your needs met in good ways.

Eight Steps for Breaking Though to Freedom

No matter what âlettingâ area is a challenge for you, there is a process that you might try to start
experiencing more freedom and less fear:

1. Choose one of the nine challenges above and begin to notice times that you resist that
particular type of âletting.â
2. When you notice your resistance, start noting what you are thinking at that time. What are
you concerned might happen to you if you âlet yourself goâ that way?
3. Start noting what you might be missing out onâinner peace, exciting experiences,
relationships, health, etc.âeach time you resist that kind of âletting.â
4. Ask yourself if your pattern of concerns is realistic. Is it likely that what you fear in these
situations will actually happen to you?
5. If your concerns are realistic, make a list of your fears on one hand, and the things your
fears are causing you to miss, on the other. Then decide whether resisting this âlettingâ is
worth it for you.
6. Ask yourself where you believe your deepest value comes from. Is there a value to you that
would still be there even if your fears in this area came true? If so, create a statement that
powerfully summarizes your deepest source of value.
7. Next time you notice that you are resisting this area of âlettingâ and missing out on freedom
and joy, recite your statement of personal value to yourself to help you find the strength to
let the âlettingâ happen this time.
8. All good change takes lots of time, so go slow and let yourself fail a lot in the process. After
each failure, simply note that that area is still a challenge for you and try again.
Though I admit that taking the time to do this is difficult, I encourage you to give it a try. Iâd love
to hear what results from it, so please let me know how it goes!

If you or someone you know would like some help working through these freedom blockers to increase the joy in your life, I would be happy to help. Call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20- minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist

303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

diebel2's Blog @ NüHabits

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The Good the Bad and the Ugly Holiday Survival Guide

The Magic of Maybe

From Pedestals to Mosaics

A Tale of Two Loans

Leprosyâs Lessons about Depression

Whoâs Your Mommy?

Learning to "Let Freedom Ring"

Leprosyâs Lessons about Depression

Whoâs Your Mommy?