Earlier tonight I was reading a blog post by Tim Brownson called Image This.  The post is basically a visualization exercise geared at getting you to take a look at the things that are truly important in life and the things you take for granted.  Well thought out and well written, I recommend it as a read.

So how does Mr. Brownson's visualization exercise relate to Chocolate Chip Pancakes?  For you, it probably doesn't.  For me, reading about how we take things for granted took me back to an experience I had last spring.  (as the non-existent camera blurs and fades to black in flashback-like fashion)

Day 1:

I wake up.  It's Sunday, and I can hear my wife tooling around in the kitchen.  She must have heard me wake because I am quickly greeted by a "Good morning honey".  A moment later I hear "Come and get some chocolate chip pancakes".  I'm out of bed like a flash, with thoughts like:

• 'Chocolate Chip Pancakes!'
• 'Thank you, this was unexpected!'
• 'I am one lucky guy!  I love this woman!'

My thoughts quickly turn to 'Plate, fork, pancakes, chair, mmm...'

Day 2:

It's Monday morning, and I am woken with "Derek, it's time to get up.  Come get some breakfast."  I groggily get up and walk to the kitchen.  When I get there, I am jolted to life like a cartoon character being awoke by a pale of ice water to the face.  CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES AGAIN!  The thoughts flood...

• 'HOLY CRAP!'
• 'She got up early on a workday to make me my favorite breakfast again!'
• 'I am truly the luckiest man on earth!'

Then 'Plate, fork, pancakes, chair, mmm...'

Day 3:

It's Tuesday morning, and I am woken by the alarm.  When I get out to the kitchen, bubbling with anticipation, what do I find?!  An empty stovetop, a box of cereal, and a wife hurrying to get ready for a busy day.  And then come the thoughts:

• 'Where are the chocolate chip pancakes?'
• 'What is she in such a rush for anyway?'
  
• 'I knew this wasn't going to last.'
• etc. etc. etc.

In hindsight, this chain of events (or should I say chain of thoughts) was a huge revelation for me.  I realized that it only took exactly three days for me to lose my gratitude.  I realized that a sense of entitlement can develop towards a new and unexpected pleasure in as little as three days, and that is a scary fact!  When I lose gratitude for the things in my life, it sucks the joy out of the most joyful events. 

So, I just need to stay grateful right?  The tricky part is that life has a way of always keeping it fresh and interesting.  Sure, I'll be well prepared to handle a pancake disappointment in the future, but if the past is any indication of the future, I am pretty sure that this issue will continue to manifest in other ways for the rest of my life.  God knows it has since last spring.  The kicker is that most new manifestations will not become apparent to me until after I've already fallen from gratitude.  I wish I could always anticipate and override defective thinking before it begins to build upon itself, but that doesn't always happen.  That's because I am human.

That being said, the important thing for me to take away from this experience was to always rectify my attitude once I become aware of the fact that it has gone south.  That takes a great deal of honesty and humility, but it is far better than the alternative:  trodding through a painful existence under the veil of ego and the inability to admit my own shortcomings.

What's been on your plate?

Don't we all have a little megalomania in us? After all, our thoughts are the only ones running through our head, what we choose to look at are the only things we see, and we choose to do everything we end up doing.

So, when I first thought of changing the world, I looked at it from the perceptive of a megalomaniac. Hoards of people whispering to one another, pointing in my direction, ‘is that him?', ‘there he is...that is him!', 'I think he just looked at me!!'

All just from walking into the room; like Bono, Tony Robbins, or the Dalai Llama, a rockstar in my own right. I own the crowd and their adoration. I am a demigod, but not the conceited type.  I am humble about my fame.  I am only really interested in helping others, and I have an almost miraculous track record of doing so.  I am of pure intention despite the flashing lights all around me, which makes me even more admirable.

Ok, so maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, but that is what my personal view of "changing the world" first emerged as.

Over time I've realized that concept was based in immaturity, ego, and too much television. ;-)

I like the pond ripples analogy. Everything I do when coming in contact with another person has the ability to ripple through the lives of millions of people through the vessel of emotional contagion that can end up manifesting as a tidal wave - of love, hate, trust, jealousy, introspection, obliviousness, sarcasm, empathy, courage, etc. - crashing on the shore of some tropical island half way around the world.

But there will be no whispering crowds, and even if there were, in reality, it would probably just make me uncomfortable.

I saw the new Burger King commercial for Breakfast Shots during one of The Office's commercial breaks tonight.  Basically, it is a follow up to a previous "Burger Shots" commercial that recieved a great deal of criticism for its use of dwarfs.

I have to preface what I am about to say with the fact that I do not consider myself to be someone who is easily offended. I watch South Park. I think Andrew Dice Clay was funny in The Dice Man Cometh. Heck, I didn't even see what the big deal was when everyone was freaking out about Marilyn Manson's "Dope Show" video. So what if he's wearing a 1 piece with boobs built into it?

That being said, I was caught a bit off guard when I saw this new BK commercial. I wish I had a clip of it, but I am presently unable to find it anywhere on the net. If you can find a copy, let me know and I'll update this post!

For now, I'll have to give you a very rough sketch by copying a post I found on someone's myspace page:

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO I JUS SEEN A BK BREAKFAST SHOT COMMERCIAL DONE WIT A MIDGET!!!!! LIKE THE BREAKFAST SHOTS R MINI VERSION OF BREAKFAST SANDIWCHES AND A MIDGET WAS DOIGN THE COMMERCIAL N I FIND THAT COMPELTELY TOTSALLY OFFENSSSIVE BUT ITS SOOOOOOO FUNNY I LOVE IT N I CANT STOP LAFFIN N I HOPE U C THIS N GOOGLE THE COMMERCIAL N LAFF WIT MEz!!!

Thanks Brown Bear, I couldn't have said it more eloquently myself.  But seriously, seeing the commercial made me have flashbacks to when I was sitting in Consumer Behavior class five years ago.  As a marketing major, the one thing of which I can assure is you can never assume the best when considering the intent of TV advertising.  Advertising theory goes deep into peoples' hidden motives and subconscious psychology.  If you question whether a commercial meant to imply something . . . it did (and probably more).

People think dwarfs are funny; it's the bottom line.  But why do people think they're funny?

I believe that a culture which focuses so exclusively on comparisons (the haves and the have-nots / the bling and the bust / the hotties and the uggo's), inevitably breeds competition.  If I demean someone else, I look better by comparison.  They lose, and I win.  That is middle school mentality, but somehow it has spread throughout adult society like a staph infection. 

But about BK's motives, who knows?  Perhaps they had no ill intent.  Perhaps they're just mini sandwiches so mini people naturally correlate.  Perhaps, as I suggested, they are trying to play on peoples' closet amusement with dwarfs.  Or perhaps they're actually trying to offend people in order to get more press (in which case I guess I'd be part of the problem!). 

For those of you who have seen the commercial, what do you think?

...update: someone who read this blog post last night had the Office episode saved on their DVR and was nice enough to upload it. I've embedded the video below.  Thanks you digital Zorro!

so again today i was taking advil, i had no pain, or n physical pain.  i dont know why i did it,  it just makes everything ok, i guess. 

i took i think about 6 or 8,  i always take them in even numbers, because im ocd,  which makes it even harder. 

Fuck, i dont knwo what to do! i know its bad, but all i am thinking right now is,  "its been about four hours, time for 6 more..." its a never ending cycle...what am i to do?

Some people seem to be able to make big decisions on the spot and then sail right past buyer's remorse or second guessing, confident in their choice. Others labor over the process for weeks or months and then, even after the decision is made, the options they didn't choose continue to torture them through the late night hours. Why is that?

I think it has to do with the hidden costs of making a change. Most of us have some skills in comparing the basic costs of things, like whether the organic milk is worth it for $4.25, as opposed to the $3.05 store brand. But with decisions that have a higher price tag in money, time, identity, or relationship, there are often hidden costs that elude our conscious awareness.

Our "gut" knows about them, though. It's worried that the costs we aren't yet aware of might be too pricey, too dangerous to risk. So it cranks up anxiety symptoms like cyclical thoughts, body tension, or the nagging urge to escape into distraction, all in the hopes of slowing down the conscious mind's march toward the costly choice. Our gut is hoping that we will slow down enough to let our conscious mind become aware of all the costs of our choice. Once our conscious mind can look squarely at those hidden costs and figure out how to navigate through them, our gut has fulfilled its responsibility. It can now give us the green light to proceed with our decision with greater peace.

So when our gut throws a barrier in the way of our decision process, what kinds of things is it trying to tell us? Let's start with the simplest and easiest to fix and drill down to the deeper, harder ones.

1. Bad Idea

Sometimes we can't find peace about a decision simply because it's a bad one. The sales lady is harping on about the virtues of the latest pyramid scheme that only costs $2,000 to join. We feel anxious because our gut is shouting, "You hate sales. You're already in debt. This is not a good thing." In this case, if we could get away from the external pressure for just a moment, our gut's message would become clear right away. We already "know" what our choice is, we just need a few strategies to get the time to realize it, i.e. telling the person we'll think about it and call them back, hanging up the phone, asking where the restroom is, finding someone we need to "check with" first, etc. As soon as we have time to collect our thoughts, we know that our choice is "no."

2. Too Fast

Other times, the choice in front of us is not necessarily a bad one. It's just that we feel paralyzed by the pressure to choose right now. Our gut is saying, "Remember that time you chose your science fair partner in a hurry and ended up with the Party King who made you pull three all-nighters to finish it yourself? Let's choose more slowly, please!" The strategies for this one are the same as for the Bad Idea: getting ourselves some space to decide based on the good and bad things about the choice itself, not on urgency. The moment we feels the release of pressure, our gut gives us the green light to decide effectively.

3. Expecting Ease

The belief that decision making should be easy might also impede our ability to think well about the choices that we are making. Our gut says, "I need you to think through this process carefully and consider several options to make sure you can proceed safely." Meanwhile, we are arguing, "Smart/capable/efficient/worthwhile people are able to decide things quickly and effectively. If I want to be that way, I can't go through a long, tedious process. I have to decide now." As long as we hold to that belief, our gut will try to protect us by slowing us down. One strategy here might be to ask people that we consider to be wise to tell us how they make a variety of major decisions, not just the ones they can make quickly because they've already done the work to develop expertise in that area. As we find that wise people also decide unfamiliar things slowly and carefully, we can free ourselves to do the same.

4. Not Enough Information

Often, it's information, rather than time that is the issue. We did a great job telling both inquiring employers that we'd sleep on their offers and call them back. But several days have passed and we're still not clear. Our gut may be saying, "Right now, the choices are too even. You need more information to tip the scales so that one choice becomes more appealing than the other." Here, the strategy is research. We get more information about the work and the benefits, ask other employees about the work environment, ask our friends which position they can better imagine us in, etc. At some point, the scale tips and our gut gives us peace about the length of our decision process and the wisdom of our choice.

5. The Cake Problem

When we're making a decision about something positive, it's easy to forget that all change is a kind of death. When we choose one thing and not another, that other possibility is dead, at least for now. If we don't realize that, thinking we can "have our cake and eat it too," our gut will correct us by saying, "I need to make you nervous about getting engaged because you are so excited about it right now that you are forgetting how much you love the spontaneity and alone time of singleness. You need to mourn that loss so it doesn't catch you by surprise and ruin your relationship." The strategy here is to take the time to think through the things that are important to us that we will lose along with our choice, even when we are excited about a decision. 

6. Full Plate

Sometimes, we can have plenty of information and time to make a decision, but our gut refuses to budge because there is just too much on our plate. We're trying to manage disciplining teenagers, shuttling aging parents back and forth from the doctor, shooting for a promotion, and approaching 50 all at the same time. Our gut is saying, "You don't have enough energy and brain power left over to make a good decision right now about moving to another city. I'm not giving you peace about this until you've got more breathing space." In this case, the strategy is to postpone non-urgent decisions until a less busy time, setting the bar pretty high for what qualifies as "urgent." When we're stressed, we need to be gentle with ourselves, not beat ourselves up because we are struggling with a hard decision when we're already maxed out!

7. Intolerance of Uncertainty

If we're not busier than usual and we've done quite a bit of research on our decision over an extended period of time with no resulting decrease in anxiety, we might have developed intolerance of uncertainty. Probably, we've had mixed experiences early on, where the consequences of similar choices were sometimes painful and sometimes neutral. Because a careful decision process couldn't prevent us from pain consistently before, our gut has defaulted to anxiety about any decision. In this case, more time and information probably won't help. The strategy here is to set a time limit for the decision, make the best one we can based on the information we've gathered, set up a plan for dealing with any negative consequences that could result, and then using anxiety management techniques like relaxation, self care, exercise, or setting time limits on our worry. Over time, the experience of making choices in spite of the anxiety and surviving the consequences will gradually train our gut to say "no" to good choice processes less and less.

8. Fear of Failure

We've got all kinds of fears about failure: financial ruin, relational loss, public shame, self hatred, loss of identity, and the list goes on. So as we approach decisions that would put us at risk of whatever we fear from failure, our gut might say, "If you fail at starting that business you are passionate about, your dad will say ‘I told you so' and you'll feel worthless again like you did in high school. Can you handle that?" Until we can see the light at the end of that fear tunnel, we're not likely to be able to move forward effectively. The strategy here would be to spend some time thinking through the worst case scenario all the way to the end. For example, "If my dad said ‘I told you so,' I'd say, ‘I'm not though trying yet.' I'd get another job and then try again, learning from my first mistakes. Even if I failed again, I could still respect myself for not giving up. I guess I could live with that." As soon as we realize we can live with whatever possible failure it is that we fear, our gut can calm down enough to let us move forward.

9. Shifting Identity

Change not only affects external circumstances, it also affects who we are and how we see ourselves. A high-powered executive facing the decision of whether to cut his hours to be with his kids might encounter the gut message: "For 25 years, you've defined yourself according to the work you were able to get done each day. Who will you be when all you have to show for your day are 10 changed diapers and 4 sand castles?" In this case, the strategy would be taking time to think through exactly what life would be like if we made the change-how much time would be spent in what kinds of work, leisure, and social activities. Then, we need to tie each activity into what we value. Our example dad might say, "I value being a good dad as much as I value my job. Each Friday, I will have changed 10 diapers and I know from the research that little boys' self esteem increases in proportion to the number of diapers their father changes. When I feel unproductive, I will tell myself that I am giving my son a better start on life than I was given. That will be my performance review." Once each activity change is examined and connected to a source of meaning and value, the gut can be okay with allowing a shift in identity.

10. Not Enough Support

Just as it requires more horsepower to climb a steeper hill, so bigger decisions require greater support and resources. So if we're deciding to retire from a job full of tasks and coworkers we love, facing an open schedule without many non-work friends, our gut might grind us to a halt, saying, "I don't want you to go through withdrawal from that much meaning from work and relationship without some people to turn to." The strategy here would be to gradually build up support systems of people and pleasant activities that can smooth the transition of a difficult choice. Taking up a new hobby, joining a community service group, volunteering, or setting up a weekly schedule of meetings with friends or fulfilling activities can all help to build the internal and external support we need to decide to do life-altering things.

If you or someone you know would like some help with decision making, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
 
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

 

The financial world is a mess. And chances are this mess has leaked into your business or personal life.

If you're like most people, you are looking for ways to cope with an uncertain future. You're watching the news or reading headlines all the time looking for bright spots, but absorbing quite a bit of negative information at the same time.

Here are some solutions ...

Events in the world - both good and bad - are constantly swirling around us. They always have. And they always will.

For some people, their sense of stability depends on what's happening in that swirl. Like Dorothy's house in The Wizard of Oz, they feel tossed around right now. But the source of the stability and strength isn't around you in the swirl of events.

It's inside of you. 

In Man's Search for Meaning, psychiatrist Viktor Frankl's hallmark conclusion was that the freedom to choose how to think is the ultimate response to any situation:

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

You have many resources at your disposal -- your core values, your work ethic, your decision-making skills and your ability to take action. You already possess all you need.

And you know that all of your energy, all of your attention, and all of your resources are available any time you need them to promote your own well-being and success.

That's right. Even when you're not consciously thinking about it, your mind can tap into all that you have heard and read, all that your life experience has taught you.

All of your knowledge is available right at your fingertips, whenever you need it, quickly and easily. And with that knowledge comes a feeling of accomplishment and self-confidence that grows, because it's reliable and coming from you.

If you are ready, here are three ideas for mastering the current challenges:

1. Reduce your daily news intake. There's an old joke about a man who goes to his doctor. He bends his elbow and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." The doctor replies, "Stop doing that."

If the headlines make you anxious or depressed, spend less time reading or watching the news.

Dr. Andrew Weil suggests a "news fast" - a day or more when you skip your newspaper, CNN and any other sources of news.

You will feel more in control. And you'll have more time to focus on what you can do. Get the minimum amount of news you feel you need to be informed. And don't be surprised if it's not much. 

2. Focus on what you can control.  Success expert Stephen Covey says that all the things you're concerned with - health, finances, problems at work, etc. - form your "Circle of Concern."

Within that circle, your "Circle of Influence" contains those things you can actually do something about. When you focus on your Circle of Influence, you're more produc-tive and successful because you spend your time doing things that make a positive impact instead of reacting to and worrying about things you can't control.

You can expand your Circle of Influence by identifying and focusing on solutions. Creating a plan around those solutions structures your thinking and effectively blocks the worry that results when you are anxiously apprehensive about the future.

Here is a suggestion: Take out a sheet of paper and make a list of all the things you're concerned about.

Circle the things you can do something about and prioritize them, starting with concerns that, if you were to resolve them, would have the most significant positive impact on you .

Then transfer each priority to a new sheet of paper and list up to three action steps you can take to address each priority.

Next: Put one of those action steps on today's calendar and commit to starting it today. The next suggestion explains why this is so important.  

3. Take action. Action is the antidote for anxiety. It channels your concerns into proactive steps that manifest your great ideas. The importance of doing something is captured in this story from James Kirkwood's novel There Must be a Pony!

A psychiatrist had twin sons age eight. One was an incurable pessimist - the other an incurable optimist. Their father became alarmed and decided to try an experiment. Christmas Eve he filled the pessimist's room with everything a boy could wish for; and he filled the optimist's room with horse manure.

Early the next morning he went to observe their reactions. The pessimist sat among the toys, books, clothes, sporting goods - just sat there - eyeing the presents suspiciously, trying to figure out what the catch was.

His father sighed and walked toward the other boy's room. When he peeked in the door he saw him standing waist high in the middle of all the manure, shoveling it up in the air over his shoulder and laughing like a fiend! "Son," the father said, "what's the matter with you? What are you so happy about?"

The boy turned, still laughing, and replied, "Gee, Dad, I figure with all this manure, there must be a pony!"

If the current economy doesn't leave you feeling optimistic right now, that's understandable. But consider, for a moment, that optimists succeed where others fail because they believe their own efforts, correctly focused, can lead to success even in the worst circumstances. To paraphrase Colin Powell, optimistic action is a force multiplier.

Commit to taking an action today. It will increase your sense of control and lead to more action. Wayne Gretzky said: "You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take." Always keep moving.

The suggestions above will help you strengthen yourself from the inside out. They all are within your circle of influence. And that's where the solutions are ... 

I was out of town for a week on business, and the hotel gym made me realize something:  I workout more when I have the convenience of a gym nearby.  I also realized something else: 

I can swim again! 

In a former life, I was a competitive swimmer who swam up to 12 miles a day, but a 13 year career in the sport left my shoulders & elbows badly injured.  However, they seem to have healed with a decade of rest, and I'm going to get back into swimming for cardio.  So, I joined LA Fitness this week, and I already swam a mile on Tuesday. 

I feel good about it, like I'm turning a new leaf (or perhaps re-turning an old one in a different way?).  I was just measured as having 13% body fat, but I would like to get down in the 8-9% range.  My goal is to change up my workout every 4-6 weeks so that I do not stagnate. 

I also think this commitment to the gym will have an effect on my eating, because I don't want all this time and energy exercising to be cancelled out by unhealthy eating habits.

"But change must always be balanced with some degree of consistency." -Ron D. Burton

 "I already know that." Now there is a phrase that does not encourage conversation. In fact if someone approaches you to speak with you and you hit them with an "I already know that"; you might as well say "Go away" or "I don't care what you think".

 And if you don't say it aloud but you think it to yourself, congratulations you just turned off your brain. 

Bummer. See I bet that you are really smart and you do know lots of things. So when your friend, partner, co-worker or child starts to share information with you, perhaps you do already know what they want to tell you.  But that isn't always the point. When you shut them down, you are closing the door to communication. When you turn them away with an "I already know that", you are discouraging them from sharing with you and from growing with you.  The next time that they have information to share, they may see you and just keep walking. And when that happens, you will really miss out. You will miss the opportunity to learn something new, you will miss the opportunity to strengthen your bond with this person and you will no longer play a part in their growth. 

When someone starts to tell you something that you think you already know consider refraining from saying "I already know that". Try not to even think it. And if it pops into your head, push it to the side.  Your role in this situation might be to allow the other person to share and explore this information. Your role might be to help them learn and grow simply by listening and discussing this information with them.  And isn't it possible that you don't know everything? Isn't it possible that listening to them share the information and hearing their perspective could broaden your perspective? The conversation may start with something that you are sure that you know, but who knows where it will go from that point? But if you stop it before it starts, it goes nowhere.

 But then you already knew that, didn't you?

quit for 10 years, started  back about 4 years ago pack a day. now have  quit for about a month and 10 ten days but have back slid the past couple of days smoking the occasional cig...not more than 4. if i go over 4 i will need to go cold turkey again and quit this nasty habit once and for all.  today i have 4 cigs to smoke and thats all i plan  to smoke.

Have you ever seen the opening scene in Office Space where the guy is rapping on the way to work, only to turn down the music and lock the door when he sees a black guy selling flowers at the side of the road?  For those of you who haven't - here it is:

Well, the look on the guy's face right after he locks the door is about the toughest I get when driving in my car.  That's why what happened to me earlier this week was so hilarious.  Let's do a visualization exercise to hopefully give you a vicarious chuckle similar to the one I got on Wednesday morning.  I will try to be extra descriptive so you can really visualize the scene....

• You walk outside and it is uncharacteristically beautiful out for NJ in February.
  
• It's 50 degrees, the sun is shining, and it puts you into a good mood instantly.
  
• While you are getting into your car, you are also putting your work bag on the passenger seat. 
• You snag the side of your fingernail (on your right index finger) against the handle of your bag - tearing it away from your finger slightly and causing a purplish blood blister to form under the nail.
• But it isn't excrutiating pain, it's just feeling sorta bruised.
• So now you're driving down the road thinking about your fingernail and you're sort of flicking downward on it with the inside of your thumb - looking at it at the same time.
• When you pull up to a stop sign you see three Eminem wanna-be's walking toward you, about 50 yards ahead, squarely in the middle of the street.
• But you don't pass judgement, you don't think your usual 'get the heck out of the way', because you're in good spirits and also still a bit fixated on this bruised fingernail of yours.
  
• The suburban homies slowly (and barely) creep aside to allow just the absolute minimum clearance for a car to fit through.
• As you're passing them, you have your right hand up and extended slightly forward, knuckles facing you, and you're pressing on the side of your index fingernail with the end of your thumb.  
  
• Next, you look up into your rearview mirror and you see one of the gangstas noticiably riled - saying something in anger to his roll-dogs as he turns around and gives you the single finger salute.  It is the kind of scene that, as soon as you see it, you know that guy's day is off to a bad start.
• And you can't help but burst into hysterical laughter.  

Why am I telling you this?  Because the first thing I thought of when I saw him flipping me the bird was how our persona, the subculture we fit into, the role models we follow, and the lives we lead influence our reaction to everything that we come across throughout the day.  It was hysterical, because in this kid's misinterpretation of something that had nothing to do with him, I saw myself.  I saw everyone that finds problems in all sorts of things that aren't problems.  I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger obsessing over his "puny calves" in Pumping Iron.  I saw my own misguided fears, percieved inadequacies, and negative reactions.  

No, I didn't actually see all these things in that moment, but I felt it.  And all I could do was laugh because life is really good, and we bring the hardships upon ourselves.  I am no guru, but it sure feels good to have some self-awareness and not take myself too seriously.

Who are your roll-dogs?

so today i took some more advil, and midol together.  why do i even pretend like im trying?  cause i dont think that i truely want to stop, maybe i have an inner wish to fuck up my health to the point where i am too sick to really give a fuck about anything...

today, i have already taken, 2 midol, and lets say i think 4 advil...but i went to the drugstore and bought a bottle of advil with 100 in it, and then a bottle of advil migrain, which has i think 24 in it.  so yea,  i guess that is supposed to make it all better?  wtf am i talking aobut...why did i think that i can do this?  i mean, i did have a bottle of 200 of each, migrain and normal advil, then i took 60 on christmas, got really sick, made myself throw em up, and then eventually i think just two weeks ago, gave my dad the bottle of advil, and threw out the bottle of midol, and then a box of tylenal, and the ibuprofine i had in my room...why then did i waste the momey? why throw it out if i was just going to get more of it???!!! what the fuck is wrong with me?  why should i even try??

and to top that all off, i really want to fucking cut myself! the pills are not stopping the urges,  and they are driving me crazy! i can barely think straight!  what happenes when i flip out?  what happenes when i crack?  what then? i slice my arms open again? cause i have no god  damn control over myself!  ugg, i fucking hate myself right now.   i hope no one reads this because i think that i sound nuts.  

 damn it! man, why did i even have to start working through the things that happened with trish? why?!!!!  i mean, she fucked me over, yes, and then it sucked! but the moment i started to try to work through it! this happenes!  i cannot get her off my mind, and i feel like i am about to crack at any moment!  why?! what is wrong with me! i want to go back to not remembering! i dont want to rembmer! i want her out of my fucking life!!! why will she not leave me the fuck alone!!!??? 

While it may be cliché, that's the best way that I can describe my feelings about today. I guess that's my attitude most of the time concerning my day to day existence. I enjoy most everything in my life today. For 37 years I knew only despair or artificial euphoria. Staying connected with others that are on a spiritual path helps me to not forget the hopelessness of those years. During that time my days seemed to drag along at an agonizingly slow pace, not unlike torture. I never knew that I had any other choice. Today I know better. Today my days are so full that they seem to fly by. But unlike the past, today I've been blessed with the ability to remember and savor the laughter, joy and love that I've been graced with. For that I am grateful.

Today I want to write a bit about karma and what it means to me.

I think that many people misunderstand the concept of karma.  I use to think karma was something akin to a cosmic order of things, or the notion that if I did something bad the universe might be out to get me one day....when I least expected it.  On the other hand, if I did something good, I might get lucky and hit the lottery, find my soulmate, or become famous.  Bascially, I thought karma was a metaphysical "what goes around comes around".

Nowadays followers of "The Secret" would have you believe that all you have to do is think positive thoughts and fortune will smile favorably upon you.  Do you want to win the lottery?  Now all you have to do is believe that you will strike it rich, and you will!!!!

I am not here to cast stones, and I am even openminded to the idea that anything is possible.  But, in my life, the only thing that has had any lasting effect is the actions that I've taken, the habits that I've changed.

So what does this have to do with karma? 

Well, despite its trancendental underpinnings I believe karma to be simple cause and effect.  It is the concept that every single second affects the second after it.  When applied to my life, it means that the thoughts that I entertain affect the personality that I have.  It means the choices I make affect the person I will become and the life I will have.  It means that my future is being created and altered in profound ways through the seemingly insignificant events of the present.

When I think about the concept of karma I always get a mental image of an object traveling in space, like if Neil Armstrong had taken a Rawlings baseball up to the moon and chucked it out into the void.  That ball's momentum, left unchecked, would send it on a straight path.  However, if it bumped into some tiny stardust particles along the way, changing its trajectory ever so slightly (by 1/10000000 of a degree), in time the ball would have changed course by millions of miles.

In the end, the people who do bad things may have a kick-in-the-butt coming, but I believe it comes in the form of their own concience, the state of their lives, or other consequences of their actions.  People who believe they will succeed may infact be more prone to succeed, but it will be because of the actions they took to get there.

But then again, this is just my belief (and I don't claim to be right).  I'd certainly be interested to hear what other people think.

I've lived most of my life actively avoiding waste.  There's a voice in my head that repeats like a broken record: life is short; resources are limited; so many people need help; there is so much to be done; there's no time to waste!  Instead of the popular bumper sticker, "If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention," the bumper sticker on my forehead would read, "If you're not busy, you're not paying attention."  Actually, that's not true. I think it would be closer to, "If you're not busy, you're not worthwhile. You're wasting your life. You're not making the most of what you've been given during the brief time you've got."  It would be a long bumper sticker.

Based on my personal bumper sticker, I think I may have bought into the theory of busyness that existential philosophers talk about: that time and resource efficiency is one way our unconscious mind combats the fear of death.  If, during our lifetime, we can accomplish as much as most people would do in two or three, we have a bit more control.  We're not quite so powerless against our impending doom.  Plus, if anyone questions how we are spending our life, we can point to our day planners in defense: "See! I never wasted a moment!  Surely, I have proven my worth!"

Now, those of you who aren't efficiency addicts will just have to trust me on this and follow along for a bit.  Those of you who are crazy enough to have pursued efficiency to the extent that I have will know from experience that this approach to proving your worth works...for a while.  But it's like a drug.  If you are super efficient, you feel worthwhile, but then it raises the bar of what should be possible for you to accomplish during the day. The more efficient you are, the higher the bar gets set.  And when you don't meet your ever-higher standard, the guilt of the waste has its way with you.

The Flawed World View of the Waste-less Life

Maybe it's that I'm getting older and I don't have the energy to super-produce all the time.  Maybe it's the fact that caffeine has betrayed me, losing its once-magical effects so that it makes me feel sick, rather than alert.  Maybe it's that I have friends and family who seem to love me whether I am efficient or not; in fact, I think they prefer non-efficient Jen.  But I'm starting to think that the world view that's under most of my efficiency is just wrong. 

Our world is so good at telling us that we are worth more the more we do, the better we look, the smarter we are, the more friends we have, etc.  So when we're not busy working, we should at least be doing more to improve our worth by being prettier, handsomer, more interesting, more intelligent, more popular-name your favorite worth-gathering strategy.  But what if we just "came" worthwhile?  What if, in many ways, the most worthwhile thing that we could do was to just to "be"?  Is that just too good to be true?   

The other day, I saw the bumper sticker: "If you're not in AWE, you're not paying attention." What a radically different approach to life that would be!  What if one of our main "jobs" during our time on earth was to be in awe: of creation, of people, of ourselves, of change, of time-all of it? Sure, we could work to earn a living and feed our kids, do an activity or two along the way, but to live out our worth, rather than trying to prove it, we'd need to set serious time aside to be in awe.

Experiments in Waste

Now, to be totally honest with you, this writing sounds pretty foofy to me so far, pretty "pie in the sky."  Efficiency's not all it's cracked up to be, but it's worked pretty well for me, all things considered.  I'm not quite ready to chuck it. Besides, the social activist/moralist/responsibility-supporter in me is shouting that if we told everyone to drop their productivity and actively waste time being in awe, the lazy good-for-nothings would take it to heart and do even less than they already are.  The responsible, upstanding citizens wouldn't hold up their end either.  Basically, the world would just collapse and nothing important, meaningful, or life-saving would get done ever again. 

But I've also been doing experiments with intentional time wasting, doing my darnedest to waste about an hour a day (man, does that feel LONG to me!) just living out the awe and gratitude of being by doing things that are not at all productive.  Frivolous things.  Kid-like things.  Shopping for things I don't need.  Wandering through art galleries.  Walking really slowly. Not exercising. Not reading to advance my career.  Not producing...anything.  And so far, what I have discovered is that I feel more deeply worthwhile than ever before.  I have more energy to be kind to people.  I am less afraid because I know that my need to be feel worthwhile as a person, not a cog in an efficient machine, will be met most every day.  It's easier to treat others as ends in themselves, not means to get my needs met.  I like God more.  I like my family and friends more.  It's really, really weird!

I'm starting to wonder if intentionally wasted time is essential to allowing us to learn our worth.  If we are always producing and achieving, how would we ever know whether our worth would remain if we stopped?  Until we stop...and find that we are still loved.  Setting aside time to treat ourselves like royalty who, for the moment, have nothing to do but pursue leisure, makes us feel like royalty, and then we can respond to others out of that richness, rather than our hectic, ever-growing energy deficits.

I'm also learning that there's a difference between filling our down time with distractions that numb our pain and dedicating time to experience awe, gratitude, and our deep worth.  It's not so much the activity as the purpose behind it.  Spending time with friends to avoid the solitude that reminds us of our loneliness is numbing distraction, while spending time with a friend who feeds our soul, rather than churning out another progress report, is time dedicated to feeling our worth. Drinking alcohol to forget that we feel anxious about our job/spouse/kids/body/schedule etc. is a distraction; savoring the flavor of a great wine to celebrate that we are alive and can feel pleasure helps us delight in our worth and enriches us.  Many of us have "diversions" but we are starving for time wasted in awe!

An Invitation to Awe

If you have, like me, been feeling weary for a long time...  If, when you think about stopping and resting, you feel fear and guilt rather than relief and delight... If people seem like distractions to you, impeding your essential tasks... If you don't have any hobbies that aren't focused on some sort of self-improvement or getting ahead...then I invite you to join me in some experiments with scheduling time to waste in awe, maybe half an hour a day, maybe 3 hours on a weekend.  During this time, see if you can do whatever you are drawn to do that is not at all productive and that helps you experience awe in and gratitude for yourself and the world around you.  Watch out for defaulting to the things you typically use to numb pain to just get you through.  Instead, see if you can find things that actively bring you joy.  See if you can try it as regularly as you can for a month, since I'm pretty sure it takes about that long to have an effect.  I'd love to hear what you discover.  It sure is changing my life!

This is not as easy as it sounds.  Trust me, I know!  So if you or someone you know encounters difficulty with these experiments, feel free to call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

To read past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com/Helpful_Resources.html.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
 
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com. To unsubscribe, simply reply to this email with "unsubscribe" in the heading.

It's easy to be peaceful when no one is inconveniencing us. But most of us don't get to live in slogan land where we get things "my way right away." There's a lot of conflict in life, and most of it is cooked up by people. In general, the more people we relate to, the greater our potential for conflict.

Since most of us would say that we want more peaceful, rewarding lives, but we're also surrounded by a host of conflict-breeding people, we can bet that whatever peace we find will have a price tag. Depending on when and how we pay this price, though, we can have more or less interpersonal peace.

Conflict Style Quiz

So when and how do you pay your price for peace?

1. The last 3 times you've gotten together with your friend, he's been 20-30 minutes late. You:

a.      Keep showing up on time, greet him with a smile, and tell yourself that friendship requires sacrifice.

b.      Say nothing, but start showing up 45 minutes late to make sure he has to wait.

c.      Tell him he's a failure as a friend and a person and that you will cut off if he's as much as 5 minutes late ever again.

d.      Tell him that it's hard for you to enjoy your time together when his lateness makes you feel unimportant to him. To look forward to being with him, you need that to change.

 

2. Your spouse asks you to clean out the garage, but you notice that, despite being asked several times, she has not cleaned the dog poop out of the back yard for a whole month. You:

a.      Clean out the garage and go ahead and do the back yard as well.

b.      Silently vow to steer clear of the garage until she cleans the yard.

c.      Tell her she can forget that vacation you were planning because you wouldn't want to go anywhere with someone so sloppy.

d.      Tell her that if you clean out the garage while she has not cleaned up the back yard, you will feel like she's taking advantage of you, which will mess up other parts of your relationship. Invite her to set up a time where the two of you will both complete your chores.

3. Your boss has not given you a raise in two years, despite the fact that she told you she would when she hired you. You:

a.      Keep showing up and doing your best, not mentioning it.

b.      Begin taking office supplies home.

c.      Tell your boss exactly what you think of her and resign right before a big presentation, making her do it at the last minute.

d.      Tell her that you cannot do your best work when she is not valuing you as she promised. To remain at the company, you need evidence of follow through soon.

Four Conflict Styles

Those who answer with A's-the Passive conflict style-pay up front for their half and the other person's half of the interpersonal peace "bill." The idea of requiring others to follow through with their reasonable relational responsibilities is painful enough that Passive people would rather just give up their interpersonal rights instead. Others may see them as likable, dependable, and "safe," but Passive people earn this reputation at a high price. They can be quick to burnout, struggle with over or under eating, have poor health and self care, and miss exciting opportunities that would require others to be a little inconvenienced. The feeling that life is giving them the short end of the stick may fester into resentment that leaks out or explodes at strangers or loved ones. Passive people buy short-term interpersonal peace at the price of long- term self destruction.

Those who answer with B's-the Passive-Aggressive conflict style-pay both people's share of the interpersonal peace bill up front, but then find ways to collect the whole sum back from the other person indirectly. They want others to see them as likable and dependable, but they are not going to be taken advantage of for long. Over time, the other person will pay, they just might not know it for awhile. Eventually, though, other people feel uncomfortable around Passive-Aggressive people and begin to avoid them. What they say about their feelings or preferences can't be trusted because they'll tell people what they want to hear and then make them pay for it later. By then, they might not even know what they're paying for. Passive-Aggressive people buy short-term interpersonal peace at the cost of long-term conflict and abandonment.

Those who answer with C's-the Aggressive conflict style-demand that the other person pay the whole bill for interpersonal peace up front with interest. If they feel taken advantage of, they see it as an opportunity to collect on any previous relational "debts" as well. They will stay in relationship only of the offending party agrees to bow down and pay amends on this conflict with extra added in to cover past wrongs as well-even if that person wasn't responsible for those past wrongs. The nice thing about this conflict style is that people know exactly who they are dealing with right away. There's no pretense here. But Aggressive people are scary and unsafe. Others tend to avoid them sooner rather than later. Aggressive people refuse to pay the short-term costs for interpersonal peace, paying long-term costs of ongoing conflict and abandonment instead.

Those who answer with D's-the Assertive conflict style-pay only their half of the interpersonal peace bill up front and ask the other person to do the same. They are aware of and okay with their own needs and limitations: that they only have so much energy to give, that they can't function long-term in relationships where others won't perform their responsibilities, and that they can't be much good to others unless they care for themselves as well. They tend to take a long-term view of relationships, knowing that the benefits of successful working and personal relationships are worth the short-term hassle of figuring out where to draw the line between their needs and responsibilities and those of others, and the inconvenience of asking for what they need. They pay the price of discernment and inconveniencing others in the short-term to gain long-term interpersonal peace and self care. 

What Does Assertiveness Require?

If we're looking for a conflict style that maximizes our long-term interpersonal and personal peace, obviously Assertiveness is the clear choice. But it would be a mistake to think that it's simple just because it makes the most sense. I mean, what's more difficult for self-starters and rugged individualists than admitting that we have limitations and we need others to come through for us or eventually, we can't be in relationship with them or do business with them? And what's more difficult for kind, other-centered people to admit than that their own needs must be met in a mutual fashion on an ongoing basis, or they won't be any good to anyone else?

What an incredible personal balance is required for the Assertiveness battle cry of, "I can do some for you, but not all; I need you to do some for me, but not all." The line between some and all on both sides is constantly changing. It takes ongoing work and attention.

This is tough stuff. A long journey. But since it is worth it to move toward more sustainable peace in your relationships, here are some things you might try:

·          Thinking through past and current conflicts, see if you can identify which conflict style you tend to prefer.

·          For each past and current conflict example, think through what an Assertive response would look like.

·          Once per day, practice responding Assertively in a small, relatively easily conflict like asking for a receipt when one wasn't given, informing someone who has cut in front of you that you were already in line, etc.

·          Gradually practice responding Assertively in situations that are more and more difficult for you, seeing if you can work up to one per week.

·          Don't give up! Your relationships and self care are worth it!

If you or someone you know would like some help understanding or practicing assertiveness, call me at 303-931-4284 for a free 20-minute consultation or email info@jenniferdiebel.com.

Thanks for reading!

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC
Psychotherapist
303-931-4284
info@jenniferdiebel.com
www.jenniferdiebel.com
3393 Iris Avenue, Suite 104
Boulder, CO 80301

Jennifer Diebel, MA, NCC is a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in her private practice in Boulder, Colorado. For more information about her areas of expertise, background, and methods, as well as additional helpful resources and past newsletters, go to www.jenniferdiebel.com.

Please Try This at Home is a monthly newsletter containing tips for increasing the joy in your life, as well as information about counseling discounts and helpful local seminars and resources. To request a future newsletter topic, include a friend on the subscription list, ask a question, or offer feedback, email Jennifer at info@jenniferdiebel.com.

 

I broke on Sunday.  I baked red velvet cupcakes and ate 6:)  I blame exercise.  I know it is ridiculous, but I am serious.  I have been exercising 4 days a week for three weeks (which I will add as a habit).  Since I started exercising, I have been ravenous.  I am doing 30 minutes of cardio and Bikram Yoga.  My appetite has gone into overdrive, and I am clearly not making the best choices.  I should have chosen celery instead of cupcakes, but my sweet tooth is my downfall.  I guess it is good that I am exercising.  I will keep you updated.

Are you a hippie or a yuppie?  It is an age old question, well atleast the age of the past 40 years or so.  Many people view these as two distinct and incompatible categories. I now want to throw a wrench in the commonly accepted view that "you're either one or the other".  I disagree with this idea completely.  Thus, I recently coined the term for a third category.  The Huppie.  I've always dreamed of inventing a term that ended up becoming a pop culture phenomenon, like "ginormous" or "banana hammock".  So if you identify with the huppie concept, speak up!

I think a Venn Diagram might explain it best:

As you can see, yuppies and hippies are not mutually exclusive.  One can have attributes of both groupings.  How do I know this you ask?  Well, I happen to be a huppie.  I will explain by relating common descriptions of both categories to a list of my character traits.

I am part hippie because:

-I embrace life to the fullest
-I promote peace, love and happiness, and stick up for what I believe in
-I have a strong sense of extroversion, gentleness, and humility
-I am very social and can tend to be a push-over
-I love to interact with others, even complete strangers
-And my idealism probably comes off as sickening to realists or yuppies

but I am not all hippie because:

-I don't tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker
-I would have qualms about hitchhiking across the country just to meet some interesting people (in an ideal world I would love to do this but need to be concerned about paying back college loans!)
-Personal hygene is important to me

I am part yuppie because:

-I'm an ambitious young adult
-I am working towards a professional career and an affluent lifestyle
-I tend to compensate for insecurities by trying to improve my outward appearance
-I am a bit more scientific than spiritual
-And I probably come off as square to hippies

but I am not all yuppie because:

-I don't  flaunt success, nor am I attracted to people who do
-I am not emotionally reserved
-I am not a groveller

Here is the deal.  To summarize, I believe that being classified as a yuppie is lifestyle-focused.  What you look like on the outside.  What car you drive, what neighborhood you live in, how you dress, generally your appearance.

Conversely, being classified as a hippie is state-of-mind focused.  What your world views are, how you would invision a brighter future, how connected you feel to the whole of humanity, generally your substance.

I feel like a hippie at heart wrapped up in a yuppie society.  But how can one differentiate one over the other?  Yes, I have that anti-establishment mentality associated with the hippie culture, but I'm also a product of the establishment and can never fully break away from what I've been preconditioned to conform to on an unconscious level since birth.

This list was in no way meant to be exhaustive (or even correct).  I am half-kidding here, but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Well it sounded like a fine idea to me, so I asked the group, "Would you prefer to discuss this case study as a class?"  Almost every one of them replied, "Yes."

The student, who initially proposed this approach, looked up at me, looked around at everyone else and said, "Well you don't know if you don't ask, do you?"

Well said! If he had not asked about a different way to work on the case study, I would not have given them a different way to work on the case study. And as it turned out, his approach was more appealing to everyone. What if he had not said anything? Sure we would have completed the case study and had good discussions, but we would have missed this opportunity to have an enhanced group discussion.

I know that some of the students were a bit taken aback that he suggested a change in my approach. I thought it was wonderful. Think about it, here is a person who is obviously engaged in the learning environment. If he did not care about his learning experience or if he had given up, he would just go with the flow, he would not ask to make a change or for an opportunity to do something differently.

I am sure he knew that there was some degree of risk in his request. I could have said no. But he also knew that he wanted something different from this specific assignment and he knew he would not get what he wanted if he did not ask.

When my student looked at all of us and said, "Well you don't know if you don't ask, do you?" he was right about so much more than our classroom experience. He was right about our experiences in life. If we do not reach out and ask for more or ask for something different, we definitely will not receive more or have a different experience.

If you do ask, the answer might be no, but if you don't ask you will never KNOW.

I sit here hesitantly.  Should I really get into this subject, potentially ostracizing my future membership base?  Despite my mixed emotions on this post, here goes nothing:

Is it me or are there 1,000,001 members on Twitter claiming to be able to fix your life?  There seems to be a palpable "I make people happy", "I make people rich", "I make people healthy" vibe on several of the profiles I have visited.

I keep asking myself, what is it that annoys me so much about these peoples' pages?  I like self-help, I believe in balance, prosperity, and a healthy lifestyle.  Is it the way they are marketing themselves?  Then it hit me, these people are no different than the person at Starbucks that gave me unsolicited advise when all I really wanted was someone to talk to.  They are external reminders of that part in me that purports to have "the answer" to everyone else's dilemmas. 

Here's a timely example of what I mean: 

A friend who often comes to me for advice was distraught back in early January.  He had just lost his job that morning and needed someone to confide in.  I listened to what he had to say, and then, I suggested that he immediately start focusing on his next steps.  I said that he needed to put the layoff behind him and focus on sending out resumes, dozens and dozens of resumes.

After that conversation, I felt empowered.  I felt like I knew how to apply the solution to any problem.  I thought, if I lose my job, there will be hidden benefits that come with it - focus on the positive in everything Derek.  You will get to learn the lesson of the impermanence of all things, detachment from material possessions, etc. etc.

Then the next week rolled around, and I received an email from the CEO of my company saying (in my words): 'we will have to reduce the workforce by 10%'.  Panic ensued.  It was no longer a theoretical situation that I could pontificate and wax-philsolphic about from afar.  The bottom line is that I am no guru when it comes to potential calamity in my own life.  I never have been, and I don't know that I ever will be.

Other people can help aim you in the right direction when you are not making the best decisions or focusing on the wrong thing. Today just by talking to someone my mood went from extreme stress to relaxed and laughing. Now I am focusing on good things. The positives.

Having a rock in my pocket is already serving as a reminder to be grateful for things. Anytime I happen to touch it I remember I should be grateful for something even if I cannot at the moment. For example I was really stressed and down and was not feeling grateful for anything. So I asked myself, "what could I be grateful for?" Life was the answer.

Today I am grateful for love and second chances...

Yesterday I chose to make better decisions and ultimately I had a better day. The day before I was a zombie. I was barely functioning and I was focusing on all that was bad. I went to bed right after work and ended up sleeping 14 hours. That was a bad decision. The decision to think about negative things was also flawed.

But yesterday was a lot better. I chose to focus on some positives. Why I am moving out for two months is to regain my taste for life. I was stagnent and now I have an opportunity to grow and fix my issues. If I choose badly within the two months my marriage will be over. If I choose correctly by working on myself and giving it 110% of my effort I will not only save my marriage but I will start a new and more positive life.

It is possible to live your dreams IF AND ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO.

I have been focusing on rotten things for days. Sometimes I see a glimpse of how I should be. I get positive and focus on working on things. But then I will lose sight.

I will aim my sights at making better decisions as of today. I have to in order to keep my marriage.

Today I decided to focus on looking at my current situation as not only a positive thing but a potential life changing thing. This month away (separation from my wife) will give me a chance to really work on myself. There is a certain person I want to be and I am not him right now. There is so much more to life.

I feel scared which is good. It means I am growing in some way. If I felt comfortable it would mean I didn't need to  do this.

Ahh. The dreaded work holiday party. I just lose the ability to be comfortable, or  "cool". I feel like an introverted Gomer Pyle.  The Restaurant itself was packed from wall to wall. We had a whole section to ourselves with food, beer, and wine, flowing before I arrived. I leave them feeling like I just put one more nail in the coffin in career advancement. Since I don't drink, I enter the establishment with the same feeling as if I axed my way through the locked front door after hours with the alarm blaring. I mean, I am literally scared to death inside. Places like these used to be appetizers for me on my way to party stardom.  Maybe it was the fact that there were no parking spaces left, and, I had to park in an adjacent residential street.  There are practically no seats left, so I am sitting across from employees I barely know. Everybody is drinking except for me. It's not fair! I sit there thinking "If only I could relax. But, like a fish out of water, I just flop in the sand, the life slowly slipping out of me until I become this frozen parasite. Thats how I felt last week. I was only just over an hour long, but a lifetime. I walked out of the restaurant feeling as stiff as an eighty year-old.   The invitations were sent via email, and 57 responded yes, and only 12 said no. I feel like I have to yes otherwise I would be looked over or viewed as not being part of the team.  I attended the same holiday party at my last job for three years and it never got good. I don't know how to solve it, and, I probably won't. I just know I have to be honest with myself and know when to leave and  that one drink would never be worth winning popularity, friends, or job advancement.

REJECTION. It feels very similar to abandonment.  When I was small I used to want the attention of my father. I tried to be perfect. When I wasn't "perfect", he let me know in all kinds of ways. Yelling, intimidating, spanking, sometimes making me pull my pants down to humiliate me in the process. SIGH. (Sometimes, I write these things knowing that a few will read this, and I feel shame. But the "sting" of these words needs to die out so I am exposing them little by little.)With these, and other experiences, I learned that I wasn't good enough.. .Blah, Blah, Blah.I am very aware of the untruths that I took away from my childhood and from that father-daughter relationship.I do NOT like being vulnerable. I often end getting hurt. So, I am trying to make a practice of doing it anyway. I know that its going to take some work but I think it'll be worth it.

12:00a.m.

I decided on a career change six years ago when I stepped down from food and beverage management and pursured an accounting degree. I have to laugh at myself because I still don't know what the hell I should be doing with my life. Anyway, now I'm finished with school and have three years accounting experience. I am currently in limbo with a temp accounting job and the old fallback, banquet serving. I have been dating various recruiting agencies ,and,  they got me a couple of interviews with no scores yet. Of course, without instant results, the negativity tries to make its way into my head. While writing this, I got a call from a former co-worker who went through the same recruiter I'm dealing with now. Amazingly, she led him to an interview at the same company a little while ago. I wish I was more informed about how these recruiters work because I have no idea if I am wasting my time or not. I don't want to jump at anything but my insecurities make me believe that my options are limited. It was so easy to get a job in my old career but accounting positions are more obscure even though I've always heard accounting jobs are everywhere. I know its only been 25 days since I completed school but my head tells me not happening. Does anyone have any input on recruiters? Let me know what you think. Thanks Derik for your input. I have already used that method.

The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus(121 AD - 180 AD), Meditations
 
Marcus Aurelius is an ancient Greek emporer and philosopher best known for his role in the movie Gladiator (to jog your memory he is the one who was killed at the beginning of the movie by his incestuous son played by Joaquin Phoenix.)

He also was known to a much lesser degree for authoring one of the most highly regarded books of philosphy in ancient Greece. But only philsophers and historians know anything about that.

So what do you think of his quote?

I partly agree and partly disagree.

I disagree in the sense that I believe that my life is what my actions, not my thoughts, make of it. To be honest, during any given day I have any number amount of loopy thoughts that run through my head. Some that are based in reality, and most that aren't. The key for me is to only act on the ones that are based in reality or the ones that are going to have a positive impact on my life.

However, I agree that people can manifest their own destinies by living in negativity. Does this mean I can always just convince myself to think positively? For me, no it doesn't. I've tried to do this and it ends up just making me feel exhausted in the end. For me I need to do something that is going to make me feel better. Call a friend. Stop for 20 seconds on the way to work to watch the sunrise. Show an extra amount of kindness to someone that I run across throughout my day. These attempts to reduce my self-centeredness and self-reliance are the best ways for me to affect my thinking.

By the way, is it me or could that actor easily pass for the late George Carlin?

On any given day, when I turn on the TV and hear news reports about the current state of our economy, it is very easy for me to blame "big business". I curse investment banks, AIG, and Countrywide. Yet, the truth is that these companies are not solely responsible for the mess we are in.  A larger common denominator exists:  human nature.  Humans are naturally flawed.  It is an unavoidable fact.  However, we have the ability to improve our flaws if we are willing to take an introspective look at how they manifest in our lives.  Simply put, our failure to do this on a collective level is why we are in the throws of a recession. 

Here are a few examples:

• Greed
  
  Companies, lending institutions, homebuyers, credit card users, etc. Collectively, we have been a nation driven by greed.  And our appetites have outpaced our money supply.
  
  
• Unrealistic Expectations
  
  Where did we develop the expectation that we should be able to see a 10% minimum yearly return on our investments?  I am not going to get into a detailed explanation of economic theory here.  It is easy to see that at one point this was a very realistic expectation.  We were developing in leaps and bounds as a nation.  Technology was booming and the business services industry grew as a result.  But recently (over the past 10 years) innovation has slowed, and we have failed to adjust our expectations as a nation of investors.  We still want that 10%, minimum. 
  
  'So whats the big deal?' you ask.  Well, for companies to continue gaining 10% in value each year, one of two things has to happen:
  

  1. They cut costs
     
  2. They sell more stuff

  To "sell more stuff" companies did things like traded collateralized debt obligations and sold mortgages to people who couldn't afford them.  But, if the AIGs & Countrywides of the world didn't engage in these questionable practices, investors would have put their money elsewhere - in other companies that did.
  
  
• Impatience & Impulsivity
  
  People don't want to wait for things.  They want them when they want them.  Kids graduate from college and spend money like they have been in the workforce for 10 years.  They lease the BMW that is a third of their monthly budget.  They buy the house that is 4x their yearly salary.  They buy the 80GB iPod with the money that was budgetted for food, but it's ok because they'll just charge the groceries.
  
  I know because I was one of them.  Luckily, I was impulsive about comparatively small purchases - a plasma tv here and a bedroom furniture set there.  Consequently, I had to go on a spending freeze to pay back my debts, which I eventually did - and learned my lesson.  Unfortunately, if the whole country goes on a similar spending freeze at the same time - that is called a depression, and it wouldn't be great.  (lame economy pun) 
  
  
• Insecurity
  
  I remember sitting in a Consumer Behavior class in college as the professor said (and I paraphrase): 'The goal in advertising is not for the audience to feel equal to the people in the ad.  The goal is for the audience to feel less than the people in the ad.' 
  
  Advertisers seek to create this effect for one reason:  it works.  The barbie complex, the adonis complex, the buying a house that is so expensive you don't have the money to furnish it complex, they are all results of the same flaw.  They play on our insecurities, our lack of self-acceptance, and our attempt to compensate by acquiring things.
  
  

This is an extremely complicated topic, and this is certainly not an exhaustive list of examples.  I just wanted to provide some food for thought. Hopefully it didn't leave you feeling gassy.